


When You Were Mine

by daymaresnightdreams



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1940s, Alternate Universe - The Notebook (2004) Fusion, Angst, Break Up, First Love, First Time, I'm very excited for this one, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Reconciliation, Reunions, Separations, Summer Love, Summer Romance, a little summer lovin to warm us all up this winter, but like come on I HAD to, it looks i'm on mission to write lams fics based on all my favorite movies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:41:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 48,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28361847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daymaresnightdreams/pseuds/daymaresnightdreams
Summary: 1940s New York--John and his family travel down to their residence at Kip's Bay for the summer. The only thoughts on his mind are making his father proud and enjoying his last months of freedom before adulthood comes knocking at the door.There's no difference from one day to the next for Alex. He wakes up early for his shift at the construction site, hangs out with his friends in the evening, and goes to sleep hoping his father is drunk enough to leave him alone but sober enough not to go looking for more alcohol. All he dreams about is the day he has enough money to move out of Kip's Bay and do something with his life. Something big.But the moment their paths cross, they both know that their worlds will never be the same.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 19
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Winter break is here and I'm back and armed with fic ideas let's GO

…and he was standing in front of the mirror, posture stiff and upright as the tailor’s assistant straightened his cuffs and brushed the lint off his suit jacket. The suit fit John like a glove, a deep ebony that showed off the trim of his body. He smiled at his reflection, though the expression felt odd on his face. 

“What do you think?” He pointed the question to figures also reflected in the mirror, his siblings scattered around the fitting room. 

Martha came up to him at once and hugged him from behind. “It’s perfect, Jack. You look stunning.” 

Mary ran up and hooked an arm around his. “This is the one, you have to get it! You know Daddy doesn’t care about the price.” 

“Yes, Jack, do get it.” James said, less enthused. “You’ll be the prettiest bride this side of New York City.” 

Martha walked over to James and smacked the back of his head lightly. “Don’t be rude.” 

John laughed. “It’s okay, Martie. Jem is just jealous no one can put up with his ass long enough to get married.” 

“Ha ha.” James replied drily. 

John looked back at the mirror, flattening down the lapels of the suit. Him, married. He could hardly believe it was happening and yet here he was, getting fitted for his wedding suit. It was going to be good, the event of the summer if his father had anything to say about it. Everything in his life was finally lining up the way it was supposed to and now he was ready to take a step into the future. With Francis. 

Junior sprawled out onto the couch, opening up the copy of  _ The Times  _ he had brought with him. “I’m with James, I don’t get why we all have to be here to see Jack put on a suit.” 

“Because we’re a family.” Martha said fiercely. “And family is there for each other, for all the big moments.” 

“Dad isn’t here.” Junior pointed out. 

“How about you pay for the wedding and Daddy comes to the fitting, alright?” Martha snapped. “Is that better for you?” 

“I knew James would be an ass about it, but I thought you’d be on my side, Henry.” John turned to look at him. “You don’t want to help your big brother—” 

John froze. His eyes went wide, and then he was moving forward and snatching the newspaper out of Junior’s hands despite his protests. John stared at the front page, then tore through the newspaper until he stopped on a certain page. 

“Jack?” Martha said. Everyone in the room had turned to look at him. “Jack, what’s wrong?” 

The world around him faded out to black. The only thing he could hear was the sound of his heart beating, his hands clenched onto the paper so tight that it crumpled. All the blood drained from John’s face, and he promptly fainted. 

“Jack!” 

“Jesus Christ!” 

“Jack, are you alright?” 

All of his siblings rushed over to him, his brothers hauling him up and onto the couch and Mary fanning his face and shouting for help. They all rushed over except Martha, who stared at the newspaper that had fluttered onto the ground, a murky gray on the creamy white floor. Front and center was a profile of the newly appointed New York State Secretary of Finance, standing in front of his freshly remodeled home: Alexander Hamilton. 

Martha closed her eyes. “Oh no.” 

***

Rewind back, back to that night. It was ten years earlier, and Kip’s Bay was holding its annual carnival to set off the start of the summer. The waterfront was lit up by the festival lights, the air sweet with the smell of cotton candy and caramel apples. It was packed with people of all types, young and old, rich and poor. 

Alex Hamilton strolled through the grounds with his friends, whistling and joking around. Though life on Kip’s Bay was a dull existence day in and day out, the carnival was his favorite part of every year. The sound of bumper cars clashing and children screaming washed over him, a clear sign that summer was here. Like usual, he and his boys were walking around trying to pick up chicks, guys, whoever’s attention they could catch.

“Wow,” Ben, one of the guys, whistled as a fair-haired girl in a sky blue dress passed them, shooting a shy smile their way. “There’s a lot of fresh blood this year.” 

“That just means a lot more yachts cluttering up our waters and a lot more stuck up elites treating us like dish rags.” Alex said. 

“Hey, I’d shine their shoes if they wanted me to,” Robert, another guy, said as a group of girls passed by them. The rest of the guys teased him and shoved him except for Alex, who ignored all of them. 

Kip’s Bay was separated along distinct lines: the rich families with their houses and summer homes stationed there, and the working class families struggling to get by, who were made to feel like strangers in their own homes. The rich families sent their kids to boarding schools in New York or outside the country, but everyone came back to the Bay for the summer. When teenagers from both sides of the line mixed, all hell broke loose. Everyone had their roles to play. Him and everyone from his crowd were there to be the urchins that gave these well off teens new ideals on their way to Bryn Mawr or Columbia or whatever high-priced school Daddy could send them to. Alex was over it. The fun never lasted as long as the sting of being used. 

“Damn,” said Hercules, his best friend. “The Schuyler sisters are looking  _ fine.”  _

Alex looked up to see the Schuyler girls up ahead at one of the stands, holding court as they were surrounded by guys and girls alike who were trying to capture their attention. They were dressed in the latest fashions, Angelica Schuyler the most daring of all in a peach romper. Eliza Schuyler wore a blue gingham dress with a pleated skirt, and their little sister, Peggy, looked in her yellow button up dress with black polka dots. They were gorgeous, the envy of everyone there. 

Alex watched as Hercules’ eyes trailed up and down Angelica’s figure and elbowed him in the gut. “Watch it. I’m gonna snitch on you to Laf.” 

Herc shrugged. “So what? He checks her out too.” 

He looked around, searching the crowd. “Where is he anyway?” 

“He said he was hanging with them for a little bit,” Hercules gestured over to the sisters and their elite crowd. “Then he’d find us. Though, I don’t see him now. Maybe he went to take a dump.” 

“I don’t see why we all can’t hang out together.” Alex pouted. “I feel like we’re his dirty little secret.” 

“Right, it’s definitely not because the Schuylers hate your guts.” Hercules snorted. 

Alex whipped around to look at him. “They do not!” 

“Didn’t Angelica say she would rip your balls off and shove them down your throat if you ever tried to talk to her again?” 

“That’s just her way of showing affection.” Alex joked. “Anyway, we made up.” 

He was in a bad spot around this time last year, his father having gambled away a good amount of their life savings and effectively shutting the door on any chance of Alex going to college or getting off Kip’s Bay any time in the near future. He hadn’t handled the news well and started acting recklessly the whole summer, making very poor decisions like, for example, making out with Angelica while also flirting with Eliza on the side. When the girls found out, it made Eliza cry, which made Angelica kick his ass. In public. The ass whooping was just what he needed to shape up and stop being the type of jerk he hated. 

Hercules patted him on the shoulder. “If you say so.” 

Herc might not have believed him, but it was true. He wasn’t that person anymore, the “tomcat”. He’d shaped up, put his head down and worked hard at his job at the construction site. The little time he had left over he’d spend at the library or at home, studying as much as he could on his own. He’d go out with his friends occasionally, but things like fun and romance weren’t luxuries he could afford. Alex was going to make something out of his life, he didn’t care what he had to do to make it happen. He’d keep his eye on the prize and stay completely focused, no distractions. 

There was cheering coming from the rich group. When he looked over again, some guy was standing next to Peggy. He tossed the ball he was holding back and forth between his hands, then winded his arm back, the motion showing off his slight muscles. He threw the ball in a straight shot, and the clang of it hitting its target echoed in the air with a sharp clarity. High off his win and the cheers of the people around him, the boy picked up Peggy and spun her around in the air. Everything in Alex froze to a halt. 

It was as if time had slowed down around him, and his vision had blurred out everyone except for the boy and his smile. God, his  _ smile.  _ His lips stretched wide, showing off his white teeth, his eyes half closed, and his nose crinkled with joy. His hair fanned out around him as he spun around, and the long line of his throat was exposed as he threw his head back with laughter. He lit up the fairgrounds brighter than the flashing lights around them, he was brighter than the sun. Alex knew in that moment that nothing that had happened in his life before this moment mattered, not really. From then on, his life would be split up between before now and after now, after seeing  _ him.  _

Hercules was saying something to him, but Alex didn’t hear a word. He said, “Who is that?” 

Herc followed his gaze, where the boy was chatting with Eliza now. “Don’t know. He’s a new one, for sure. I definitely would remember him if I saw him before.”

“Hercules!” A voice called out. 

Lafayette shot out like a bullet, beelining over to Herc and jumped into his arms once he was close enough. They pulled each other into a long kiss, and it took a second before either of them came up for air. Alex was used to it, the two of them being his best friends. They’d been dating for a year and sweet on each other for much longer before that, but they only got to see each other during winter and summer breaks, since Lafayette went to school in France. So he allowed them their embarrassingly public displays of affection. 

Alex still hadn’t taken his eyes off the beautiful boy. The commotion from Lafayette made the boy look over in their direction, and then at Alex. He saw the exact moment the boy  _ saw  _ him, because he did a double take. Their eyes met, and it was as if they were the only two who existed in the universe. Alex knew it wasn’t just him feeling that way. The boy’s entire body locked up, his lips falling open a little and his eyes wide and round, openly staring at Alex. Then he came to his senses, yanking his whole body around so that his back was facing Alex, not even trying to be subtle about it. It made Alex’s heart burn even hotter. 

“Laf, who is that?” he asked. 

The odd tone in his voice was enough to make Lafayette pull away and follow his gaze. Right at that moment, the boy looked back at Alex quickly then snatched his gaze away again. 

Instantly, Lafayette shook his head.  _ “Non, non.  _ Don’t even think about it, Alex. That’s a non-starter.” 

“Tell me his name.” 

He shook his head even more furiously. “He’s old money. His family’s more prominent than mine, than the Schuylers even. Getting involved with him is a recipe for disaster.” 

“Lafayette.” 

_ “Mon ami,  _ he’ll ruin you! You’ll ruin each other, I don’t think—Alex!” 

But Alex was already pulling away, walking directly to the rich kids’ group and standing right in front of the beautiful boy. The boy turned to face him, and Alex took note of all the things he didn’t notice from far away: the smattering of freckles splashed across his face, the perfect heart shape of his lips, and his  _ eyes,  _ like the color of spring. 

“Hey.” he said. 

“Hey.” The boy said, like he was out of breath just looking at him. 

The low timbre of his voice was like caramel and Alex wanted to just sink into it. He was so overwhelmed by the boy’s  _ everything  _ that he forgot his own damn name, couldn’t come up with the words to ask for the boy’s. Instead, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. 

“Hang with me.” he said, so embarrassingly earnest. 

“No.” The word slid out in a rush, almost as soon as Alex finished asking. 

“No?” Alex raised his eyebrows. “Why not?” 

“I don’t know.” He furrowed his brow, shook his head a little. “I don’t want to.” 

(That was a lie. Actually, John was shocked by how he almost reached out to the other boy as soon as he walked over, like a reflex. The urge to hold Alex was so strong, it made his skin itch. But he knew danger when he saw it, and Alex was the embodiment of alarm bells sounding off in John's ears. One look was all he needed to know that if he let this boy in, he'd flip everything inside him upside down. And so he pulled back, like a child yanking their hand back from a hot stove. An attempt at self-protection.)

“I don’t believe you.” Alex looked straight at him, no reservations. “Come on. Hang out with me.” 

John inhaled sharply and looked right back at him. He opened his mouth, and Alex held his breath with anticipation— 

“He said no.”

Bursting the little bubble surrounding the two of them, Angelica had come over to wrap her arm around the boy. “Or are you deaf now too?” 

Alex shot a quick smile in Angelica’s direction. “I missed you too, Ang. But this is really a conversation between—” 

“First off, don’t call me that. Second of all, he already turned you down.” She gave him a tight smile. “Go find someone else to hit on. You’re good at that.”

“Not anymore,” Alex shot back just as quick. “And anyway, he’s the only person I want to talk to tonight.” 

He did not miss the way the boy’s face flooded with color. Unfortunately, an even more unwelcome person came up to them next.

“Hamilton, if you’re bored go find a carnie to get off with,” Thomas Jefferson, his least favorite person in the world, came up and put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You’ve got your crowd, we’ve got ours. Things are much better when everyone sticks to where they belong.” 

Alex wanted to respond in several different ways, first and foremost by hitting Thomas with a chair. But he wasn’t going to stoop to Thomas’ level, not when there were more important things at stake. 

So he simply replied, “Beat it, Jefferson. I’m not playing with you today.” 

Thomas’ eyes gleamed. “That’s a great idea. Let’s go.” 

He grabbed the boy’s wrist and dragged him away, suggesting to the group that they all hit the Ferris wheel next. The boy glanced back at him, but went along with his friends. 

“I told you,” Lafayette said, him and Herc coming up to him. “He’s in a different world from us. Just let it go.”

“We’re gonna go on the Ferris wheel, but let’s get some burgers or something after, alright?” Hercules squeezed his shoulder, and then they were off. 

Alex’s pulse thrummed underneath his skin. There was a voice in head screaming at him over and over again,  _ Alex, you gotta do something!  _ He couldn’t let the night end like this. At the very least, he didn’t want to go to bed without knowing his angel’s name. 

Alex walked up to the Ferris wheel. He watched as Thomas and the boy got in a carriage, Thomas sidling up next to him and spewing some bullshit most likely. It made his stomach clench with anger. Just as the carriage began to ascend, he made a bit of a wild decision. He got a running start, bent his knees, and jumped up and grabbed the metal rod connected to the wheel, directly in front of Jefferson’s and the boy’s car. 

There were gasps and screams coming from all over, both from people on the ride and watching from below. The boy stared at him bug-eyed, his mouth flopping open and closed. 

“What the  _ fuck,  _ Hamilton?” Jefferson shouted, glaring at him in astonishment. 

Alex looked at the boy. “So I was down there thinking, and I don’t think we got off on the right foot. So I wanted a redo. First impressions and all that.” 

“Are you crazy?” Was the response he got back. 

Alex swung his legs a little, like he was on monkey bars. “No, I just want to introduce myself.” 

The ride came to a jolting stop, the boys’ carriage halfway up at this point. “Alex, are you out of your goddamn mind? You trying to get me fired?” The ride operator yelled. 

“Sorry, this’ll only take a second, I swear!” Alex tested his grip, took a deep breath, then took one hand off to stretch it out in front of him, and this time the boy did scream.

“Alex, have you lost your damn mind?” Angelica called out from the carriage above. 

“What the actual fuck, man?” Hercules shouted up from the carriage below.

“My name is Alexander Hamilton. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His arm was starting to hurt like a bitch and his palm was getting sweaty, but he had to commit now. “You are?” 

The boy blinked at him. “You can’t be serious.” 

“I won’t get down until you give me your name. Please.” Alex groaned. “My hand is getting a little numb.” 

_ “Mon dieu,  _ just tell him your name! Before he cracks open like an omelette!” Lafayette said. 

At this point everyone was cheering him on, until the boy finally said, “Okay, alright! I’m John. John Laurens.” 

John reached forward and shook his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

Alex stared at him, a little dazed. “Wow. John Laurens, you’ll be in my dreams tonight.” 

Thomas gagged, and Hercules and Lafayette booed from below. But John gave him a tiny, disbelieving smile, and that was all that mattered to him. 

Then a stiff wind came, and Alex saw his life flash before his eyes. John moved forward quick and grabbed him, pulling him into the carriage to the sighs of relief from everyone watching the spectacle. The Ferris wheel started moving again, and Alex took the opportunity to catch his breath. The entire side of his body was pressed up against John’s, and when he turned to look at him, their faces were inches apart. 

“I have to say, I didn’t expect to  _ fall _ for you this early.” Alex said, unable to help himself from a decent bit of wordplay. 

John snorted, illuminating his face once more. “You’re ridiculous.”

It made almost dying kind of worth it.

But by the time the ride was over, John seemed to come back to his senses. He got from his seat at once and walked off without looking back. Alex had to scramble to catch up to him, jogging until he was right in front of him, blocking his path. 

“Wait!” Alex put a hand up, breathing heavily. “Go on a date with me.” 

John looked at him, and Alex was so caught up watching the movement of his wavy hair blowing in the wind, the way his eyes brightened underneath the plastic lights, that he almost missed John’s tiny headshake. 

John chuckled softly, the curve of his lips leaving Alex transfixed. “In your dreams.”

He walked off again, this time consumed by the crowds of people leaving the festival. Alex stared at the direction he took off in, paralyzed. 

Hercules smacked him upside the head as soon as he and Lafayette caught up to him. “What the fuck was that? No dick is worth dying for!” 

“You were acting like a madman,” Lafayette agreed. “What’s gotten into you?” 

“Guys,” he said, still staring after John. “I think I’m in love.” 

***

After that, Alex pestered Lafayette every day about setting him up with John. And every time, Lafayette said no. 

“What makes you think I can do that, anyway?” Lafayette said, a little exasperated. The three of them were at the local diner eating lunch together, and Lafayette had reached his breaking point with Alex.

“Don’t pretend you don’t hang with him when you’re not with us.” Alex squeezed some ketchup on his burger. “You rich kids all run together. If he’s fallen in with the Schuylers, there’s no way you’re not seeing him.” 

Lafayette inwardly cursed Alex’s smarts. It was true, he had been hanging out with John a lot. In fact, he found the other boy delightful and planned on staying friends with him for a long time. But he decided against telling Alex that, just as he decided not to tell Alex that John spent a lot of time asking about “Hercules’ friend” whenever they got together. 

“You’re forgetting that I’m against this relationship.” Lafayette huffed. “You’re both my friends, I don’t want to see either of you hurt.” 

“I won’t hurt him.” Alex’s voice was full of earnestness. “We’ll be good together, you’ll see.” 

They stared at each other for a long, sustained moment. Hercules’ gaze darted between the two of them, looking to see who could break first. 

Finally, Lafayette shook his head. “I don’t know.” 

Alex’s eyes glinted. “Then you leave me no choice.” 

He broke out in rapid fire French, Lafayette paling with each word he said. 

“You swore you’d take that to your grave!” Lafayette responded, outraged. 

“Oh, fuck the both of y’all.” Hercules grumbled. “I thought we said no French at the table.” 

“Should I switch to English, Laf?” Alex blinked innocently. 

Lafayette threw a straw at his face, and that was how Alex found himself walking down to the movie theater with Hercules on Saturday. He swore he had god to honest butterflies jumping around in his gut with each step they took. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, it wasn’t like it was his first date. John was just a boy, nothing new. 

Then Lafayette came into view, John standing next to him. His hair was pulled back away from his face this time, and his hands were in his pockets as he talked to Lafayette. He looked cool, relaxed, beautiful. More than Alex deserved, but damn if he didn’t want him anyway. 

“Laf!” Hercules called out, waving. 

Lafayette waved back and blew him a kiss. Alex was staring right at John, so he watched as John took notice of him, froze, and turned to Lafayette, speaking to him quickly. Lafayette had that innocent expression he always put on when he was trying to get away with something. They were still talking by the time Hercules and Alex were standing right in front of them. 

Lafayette ran up to Herc and wrapped his arm around his. “John, I want to introduce you to my companions. This is Hercules,  _ mon amour.”  _

Hercules bowed his head. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Me too.” John nodded, but his eyes had already moved to Alex. 

“And this is my best friend, Alex. Of course, you two have already met.”

Alex smiled, moving a little closer. “I’d say we’re well acquainted.”

“Really?” John looked him up and down. “I’d say you’re still a mystery to me.” 

Alex returned the gaze. “For you, I can be an open book.” 

Hercules groaned. “Jesus. Let’s get in before Alex breaks out into song and dance.” 

They decide to watch a murder mystery, nothing special. Alex made the mistake of forgetting Lafayette’s petty nature, and found himself sitting on one end while John sat on the other, Hercules and Lafayette between the two of them. To make matters worse, the couple started making out in the middle of the movie. All Alex could do was shoot glances at John over his friends’ head. 

But there was something intimate about communicating without words. He watched John more than he watched the movie. He liked seeing the expressions that came on his face when he thought no one was watching, the wrinkle between his eyebrows when he thought someone was in danger, the quick upturn of his lips when the detective made a witty quip. When Alex did turn and look at the screen, he could feel John’s stare heavy on the side of his face, just out of his periphery. He tapped his fingers against the armrest, tingling with anticipation. 

After a couple of times of this push and pull, Alex bit the bullet and turned to look at John, catching in him the act of looking at Alex. John startled, but didn’t look away. Alex shot a sideways glance at Lafayette and Hercules and made a gagging expression. It made John laugh just loud enough to get shushed by the other moviegoers, and bolstered Alex’s confidence to get up and scooch past his friends, into the empty seat next to John. 

“Hi.” Alex whispered. 

John looked away, a little shy. “Hi.” 

He gestured to his friends. “Sorry about them. They get on like rabbits when they get together. I’ve been third wheeling them for so long, I don’t even blink anymore.” 

“It’s fine, I don’t mind.” John shrugged. “It’s kind of romantic. Kissing in a dark theater. Liking someone so much you can’t keep your hands off them. It’s like something straight out of a movie.” 

“Yeah, they’ve liked each other for a long time. I give them a lot of shit, but they’re the reason I believe in love.” Alex met John’s eyes. “There’s nothing more powerful than two people who are meant to be together.” 

John looked to be at a loss for words for a second. Then he said, a little shakily, “Wow. I never would've guessed you were such a romantic.” 

Alex shrugged. “Some people are meant to be in each other’s stories. It’s as simple as that.” 

They were shushed again, this time louder. Alex rolled his eyes and stood up. 

“We can’t talk like this.” he said, and offered his hand to John. “You wanna get out of here?” 

John stared at his hand, then at him. Even though there were now more than a couple people yelling at him for blocking the screen, Alex didn’t move an inch. He stood there patiently with his palm outstretched, waiting for John. 

John nodded, more to himself than Alex. “Let’s go.” 

Alex helped John up and they ran from the theater, hand in hand. 

“Why are we running?” John asked as their feet beat against the pavement. 

“Because we can!” Alex answered back. 

When they finally slowed down, they were in the middle of town. The streets were quiet and the air was still, like they were the only two people around for miles. Alex still hadn’t let go of his hand. They began walking down the sidewalk, passing the darkened storefronts as the town fell asleep around them. 

“I love how empty everything gets at night,” Alex said. “It makes you feel like you own the world. You can do anything, and no one’s gonna stop you.” 

To make his point, he grabbed John’s other hand and spun him around, whooping loud enough for his voice to echo in the air. John was surprised at first, then shouted along with him. The smile that spread across his lips was loose and uninhibited, and it made Alex’s heart jump in his chest. It really felt like they were the only two people in the world. 

“Tell me about yourself.” Alex said as they continued walking. 

“What do you mean? Like what?” 

“Anything.”  _ I want to know everything,  _ Alex thought, but kept it to himself. 

“Um, I’m from South Carolina. But my dad has a lot of connections up in New York, so he moved all of us up here for the summer.” John started. “Us being me and my brothers and sisters. They’re just thrilled Dad hasn’t left us behind again, but it’s not like this is much diff—” 

John clamped his mouth shut and shook his head. “Sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just talking nonsense.” 

Alex sensed there was a story there, but he backed off for now. “Alright. Tell me what you do every day.” 

John’s eyes flicked up in thought. “I study math, English, French, Latin, a little bit of science. We’re hoping for Princeton, so—” 

“We?” 

“Oh, me and my dad. He went to Princeton for undergrad and law school, and that’s what he wants me to do. So I can enter right into his firm when I graduate. Any time I’m not studying I look after my siblings, since Dad’s usually too busy to stay at home most of the time. Oh, and sometimes I help him out at the office so I can learn how—why are you looking at me like that?” 

Alex looked away, swinging their hands back and forth. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

“Tell me.” he insisted. 

“You told me a lot about what you do for everyone else, but I’m wondering what you do for you.” 

John looked at him like he was speaking another language. “I just told you—” 

“Like, what do you do for fun?” Alex clarified. 

“Fun?” Again, the word sounded like a foreign concept in John’s mouth. 

“Yes, John,  _ fun.”  _ Alex chuckled. “Have you heard of it?” 

“What about you?” John snapped back, a little defensive. “What do you do for fun?” 

Alex had to admit, it took him a second to think. “I don’t know. Dancing. I like listening to music, so sometimes I’ll go partying just to dance. There’s something about moving to the rhythm of someone else’s beat that draws me in, you know? Disappearing into the words of someone else’s feelings, it lets me float away from myself even if only for a few minutes. Am I making any sense?”

John nodded. “Tell me about something else you love.”

Alex smiled and continued. “I love reading too.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” He traced his thumb across John’s knuckles. “When I’m not at work, I’ll go to the library and just stay there for hours. Or if I can’t do that, I’ll take some books home and hole up in my room. I love it because for once, I’m not in Kip Bay’s working a shitty, dead end job. I can jump into the pages and go anywhere, somewhere completely different from here. Everything I’m stressed about just drops away, because I’m not me anymore. I’m in another world, where things—okay, now why are you looking at me like that?” 

John blinked and ripped his gaze away like he didn’t realize he was staring. “What do you mean?” 

“Come on, tell me.” Alex tugged on his hand to make John look at him. 

He shook his head. “It’s nothing.” 

Alex sighed and fake pouted, not above playing dirty to get what he wanted. “I know, I’m boring you. My friends always tell me I should talk less, but I keep forgetting. I’ll shut up now, don’t—” 

“No, that’s not it all!” John burst out. Then he said quietly, “I was just thinking that you make everything sound beautiful. That’s all.” 

Alex came to a halt. He looked over at John, who was staring hard at the ground. There was a delicate blush settling over his face, the sight of it making Alex’s heart flutter. Without a word, he let go of John’s hand and walked out onto the road. In the next second, he was laying down on the ground right underneath the traffic light.

“Um, what are you doing?” Alex wasn’t looking at him, but he could imagine the cute, confused expression on the other boy’s face. 

“Laying down.” he responded. “Come here, lay down next to me.”

“Excuse me?” 

Alex rolled his eyes playfully. “The road doesn’t bite, I promise. Come on.” 

John made him wait a couple of seconds, but then he was lying down next to Alex, their shoulders pressed together. For a moment, they just laid there without saying a word to each other, just breathing. 

“What happens if a car comes?” John asked. 

“We die.” 

“Alex!” 

The scandalized tone made Alex laugh, and soon John was laughing with him. Alex had never felt more alive then he did being there with John, watching his eyes light up and feeling the shock of warmth as John’s hand brushed against his. 

“When I can’t sleep, I come out here.” Alex told him. “Just for the change of scenery. I watch the traffic light turn from green to yellow to red, or I stare up at the sky and count all the stars. I could stay out here for hours, just laying here.” 

There was a bit of silence. Then John said, “I like to draw.” 

Alex turned his head to look at him, but John’s attention was up at the sky. “Huh?” 

“You asked me what I do for fun. I draw.” A tiny smile came to his lips. “I used to do it more when I was younger. Watercolors, acrylics, even just simple sketches. I’d get my clothes so dirty with charcoal or paint, but I didn’t care. I love doing it that much.” 

The smile disappeared from his face just as fast. “But Dad thought it was a waste of time, and not a useful skill for a man to learn. He made me quit taking art lessons so I could focus on my studies. I still have a secret sketchbook, though. Drawing in it helps calm me down when I’m stressed, though I haven’t had the chance to draw much lately. 

“I wanna see it sometime.” Alex said softly. 

“Don’t get too excited, it’s not that good.” John fidgeted with his hands. “It’s just pencil sketches, really. Sloppy sketches.” 

Alex traced slow, delicate circles on the inside of John’s palm. “I can’t imagine anything not beautiful coming from your hands.” 

John laughed a little and shook his head. “There you go again, spitting out lines. I bet you say that to all the guys.” 

“No, I don’t.” His voice was dead serious. It stopped the laugh cold in John’s throat. “This is all new for me, John. I’ve never done things like this before.” 

Alex bit his lip, then kept going. “I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt anything like I did the first time I saw you. Maybe you don’t believe me but—” 

“I believe you.” John said. 

They shared a look. It left Alex speechless, but he realized that no words were necessary. He felt pinned to the ground, flattened out completely by John. The way John was looking at him made his heart race, like he was seeing past all the walls Alex had put up to protect himself. A part of him wanted to curl up, pull away. But he couldn’t run away from John. No, he was down for the count, utterly at this boy’s mercy. 

“John…” he started, and then the sound of a car horn sounded off in the air. 

Alex looked up and thought his soul was about to ascend from his body when he saw a car barrelling right towards them. He cursed and John yelled as they scrambled to get up. He grabbed John’s hand and yanked him quickly back onto the sidewalk, while the car sped past. 

John turned away from him, shaking. Alex was mortified. John hadn’t even wanted to lay down with him in the first place, and Alex’s dumb ass forced him into it by promising that it was safe, just to get them almost killed. He couldn’t blame him if John thought he was crazy and never wanted to talk to him again. 

“John, I’m so sorry.” Alex said, panicked. “I didn’t—there’s usually never—I should’ve been more—” 

Alex was cut off by the sound of John’s laughter. He was laughing so hard, it echoed up and down the street. The strength of it had him bending over, cheeks flushed and body wheezing. 

“Did you see the driver’s face? He looked at us like we were insane!” he said between giggles, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Fuck, it’s never boring with you. I’m starting to think you have a death wish.” 

Yeah, Alex would do anything to make John his. 

“John,” he said, just smiling like an idiot. “Dance with me.” 

“Dance?” John scrunched his eyebrows. “But there’s no music.” 

Alex moved closer to him. “We don’t need it.”

He trailed his hand down John’s arm and intertwined their fingers. He put his other hand on John’s waist, pulling them even closer. John instinctively reached up to put his hand on Alex’s shoulder, and then they were dancing, swaying together in a circle as their feet shuffled from side to side. His eyes never left John’s face. John looked at him, then looked away. Then he  _ looked  _ at Alex, and they really didn’t need music. They moved together as one person, breathed as if they were in one body. The two of them came close enough for their foreheads to touch, John letting out a shuddering exhale at the contact. 

Alex wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him so bad, his whole body was electrified at the thought of it. And he knew  _ John  _ wanted him to kiss him too. John’s cheeks were cherry red, and his eyes kept flicking down to Alex’s mouth. They were close enough for Alex to feel John’s breath brushing across his lips. He was this close to throwing caution into the wind, but he restrained himself. Alex wanted to take his time with John, leave the other boy wanting more.

So despite the resistance of every bone in his body, he pulled back and said, “We should get back to the theater. The movie’s probably finishing up.”

John blinked at him as if he was coming out of a daze. He stared at Alex a while longer before nodding his head. “Okay.” 

They set off down the way they came without saying a word to each other, simply pressing their shoulders together. Their hands brushed, and this time they reached for each other, fingers tangling together and holding on tight. Only when the theater came into view did they let go. 

As Alexander predicted, people were streaming out of the movie theater. They came up just as Lafayette and Hercules were walking out, holding hands and eyes only for each other. 

“Where did you guys go?” Lafayette asked once they’d walked up to them. 

“Out.” Alex said, sharing a look with John. 

John moved over to Lafayette and Hercules went over to Alex. They stared at each other a moment longer, and then John said, “Goodbye.” 

“I’ll see you later.” Alex replied, with as much weight as he could put behind the words. 

He stared after John as he walked away with Lafayette, holding his gaze even as John looked back at him several times. 

Herc’s brash tone broke into his reverie. “So did you hit it or what?” 

He whipped around and spat, “Don’t talk about him like that. This isn’t a game to me, alright? It’s real.” 

Herc raised his hands in a placating manner. “Okay, okay, sorry.”

Alex turned back to looking off in the direction John went down. He was wrong before, when he said John was just a boy. John was  _ the  _ boy, the one. And Alex swore to himself right there, right then, that he wasn’t going to fuck this up. He had one shot and he wasn’t going to throw it away. 

***

There was a riverbank, obscured by trees, that was somewhat hidden away from the town and the perfect place for partying. So when summer hit, all the young people looking for a good time headed down there, alcohol and good spirits in tow. 

John had never been one for parties. Back home, he mostly put his head down and did what his father asked of him, then spent the rest of the time looking out for his siblings. The closest things to parties he attended were the balls his dad forced them all to go to. It just wasn’t his scene. He had always been a bit shy, and honestly the last thing he wanted to do after a long day of tutoring was stay up all night and make a fool out of himself. But here he was at the first big party of the summer, beer in hand.

It was a fun atmosphere, sitting on the grass with Eliza and Peggy Schuyler and some of their friends. There were several radios playing top volume and people dancing to the music. Some people had already peeled off to go splashing around in the water, and there were some drinking games going on. But none of that mattered to John. His neck kept craning around, scanning the terrain. Waiting for the moment when Alex showed up. 

It’d been a week since their outing at the movies. Seven days, and not a single one went by where John hadn’t thought of the other boy. He could hardly focus on his studies without the sensation of Alex’s rough hands coming to his mind. When he went to sleep, the memory of Alex’s beautiful, dark eyes boring into him as they danced haunted him. He had to see him again. It was the only reason he’d come to the party. Lafayette casually mentioned that he was coming with his other friends, and John knew that meant Alex would be there too. His heart raced at the thought of being Alex’s arms again, maybe doing more—

“I heard you went on a date with Alex Hamilton.” Angelica plopped down next to him. 

He startled at the statement. “What? I didn’t—it wasn’t—how do you know that?” 

Angelica rolled her eyes. “John, I make it my business to know everything about everything. That’s the only way to survive in this world.” 

“It wasn’t a date.” he waved her off. “I went to the movies with Lafayette and his boyfriend. Alex just happened to be there too.” 

“Uh huh,” Angelica said. “And you honestly believe it wasn’t a date?” 

John stayed silent, because he didn’t. In fact, as soon as he saw Alex, he turned to Lafayette and said, “What is he doing here?”

Lafayette blinked up at him with an innocent expression on his face. “I told you we were going to see a movie with some friends. He’s a friend.” 

John scoffed. “You set me up.” 

“I’m sorry,  _ mon ami.  _ But I wouldn’t do this if you didn’t want it too.” Lafayette leaned close to whisper in his ear. “Don’t think so hard. Just do what feels right.”

John didn’t have a chance to respond, because then Alex was standing right in front of him, smile on his face and looking unfairly gorgeous. A sigh slipped out of his mouth in the present at the memory. 

Angelica had an unimpressed look on her face. “Let me tell you about Alex. He’s amazing, right? He’s smart and handsome and charming and got confidence out the ass. He could talk the devil into going to church. And he’s ambitious too. Unlike all the guys I hang with, who are lining up to follow into whatever footsteps Daddy has planned for him, he wants to make something of himself on his own terms.”

John shifted in discomfort. He knew Angelica’s words weren’t targeted at him specifically, but they stung nevertheless. 

“But at the same time, he’s like…like an Icarus about to fly too close to the sun. And even though he has the best intentions, he doesn’t care who gets dragged down with him. He can’t help himself.”

“Angelica, please.” Eliza piped up. “Alex isn’t that bad. He loses his way sometimes, but he always finds his way back.” 

“Hey, I  _ like  _ Alex.” Angelica said, then looked away in embarrassment. “I mean, not like that anymore. Obviously. I’m just saying that if you’re gonna get with him, you need to be prepared to accept all of him. There’s more to him behind that smooth exterior.” 

“You’re wrong about him.” Those weren’t the words John expected to fly out of his mouth, but he said them nonetheless. 

Angelica raised her eyebrows high. “I am?” 

John flushed. It was ballsy of him, claiming to know any more about Alex than the people he’s been hanging with for years. But he spent one night with Alex, and felt deep in his bones that there had never been anyone who had seen straight through him like that, and vice versa. When he looked at Alex, it was like all his barriers came tumbling down. 

“I mean, you’re right. But he’s different than you think.” John smiled to himself. “Even if he flew too close to the sun, he wouldn’t drown. He’d get up and fly again and again, until the sun was tired of him. I’m not afraid of that. Actually, I want to fly with him. I want to…” 

John’s voice was drowned out by a booming voice shouting, “What time is it?” 

A distinct group of male voices chorused back. “Showtime!” 

John looked up ahead to see Hercules with two massive cartons of beer in both hands, Lafayette and the guys from the construction site standing around him. Right next to him, holding his own six pack of beer, was Alex. 

John’s heartbeat raced into overtime. 

Peggy shoved him playfully. “Go get your man!” 

“No, he should come over here.” Angelica said. “You gotta make him work for it.” 

John was frozen to the spot, caught between the two options. Alex wanted to see him again, John was sure about that. After all, it wasn’t like Alex hadn’t been upfront about his feelings from the start. He’d be happy to see John. But then John felt awkward intruding in the middle of Alex’s group, just to talk to him. He didn’t want to make a big scene. So in the end, he decided to wait for Alex to come to him. He expected the other boy to be looking for him too. Surely Alex was just as desperate to see him as he was to see Alex. 

But he watched as everyone swarmed around the group, the life of the party now that they had brought more alcohol, Alex didn’t seem in a rush to find John at all. He was busy chatting it up with everyone and even let himself get dragged into the dancing crowd by some pretty boy. He watched the whole thing go down with a bitter taste on his tongue.

“Don’t worry, John. He hasn’t seen you yet, that’s all.” Eliza reassured him. 

John shrugged her off. “Come on, who wants to dance?” 

He’d never been much of a dancer, but the alcohol gave him a little courage. The four of them danced together without a care in the world. For a second, Alex wasn’t even on his mind. He just soaked up the feeling of being a teenager, young and no responsibilities to worry about. For one night, he didn’t have to think about the kids or his father or his future. All he cared about was having a good time, laughing with his friends and disappearing into the commotion of bodies grinding and gyrating around him. 

“Hell yeah, go John!” Peggy hollered, loud enough for people to cheer around her. 

“Stop, you’re embarrassing me.” John laughed, looking at her. 

Then he looked past her, just in time to see Alex staring right at him. Their eyes met, and for a moment it was like everyone else disappeared around them, even the music faded out. Then Alex looked away, and turned back to the guy he was dancing with. 

The laughter died in John’s throat. Wow. So Alex  _ had  _ seen him, he just didn’t want to talk to him. Okay. That was fine. 

“John, what’s wrong?” Eliza asked, turning his face to her. “You’re pale.”

John stepped away from her, from all of them. “Nothing. I need another drink.”

He rushed away from them, grabbed his cup of Sam Adams and slammed the rest down. Then he grabbed the cup Angelica left behind and downed that too. It still wasn’t enough for him, so he made his way over to one of the trucks parked on the grass, where all the alcohol was sitting in the truck bed. He wanted to drink until he couldn’t remember his own name, much less Alex’s. 

How could he be so stupid? A guy said a couple of sweet words to him and he was already handing out wedding invitations. Angelica was right, he didn’t know Alex at all. Alex was just a player, plain and simple. He had his fun flirting with John and moved onto the next one. John was the idiot for taking everything so seriously. 

He grabbed a bottle of Sam Adams and went about filling his cup to the brim. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. Anyway, romance was never a part of his plans. He was going to use this summer to study, sharpen up his college applications. A boy like Alex was only a distraction, a waste of time. At least things ended before they started, and now he could get back on track. 

He lifted the drink to his lips, ready to chug down his third cup, when he felt a soft touch on his hand stopping him in his tracks. 

“Slow down. The Sam Adams’ got a bigger kick than you’d expect.” 

John turned around to see Alex in the flesh, standing in front of him. He had this infuriating grin on his face that would make John flush under normal circumstances, but all it did now was make him nauseous. 

John ripped his hand away . “What, you’re talking to me now?” 

That wiped the smile off his face. “What?” 

John closed his eyes. He was just drunk enough for his mouth to move on autopilot without his consent, so of course he blurted out the most desperate, pathetic words known to man. This whole night was a mistake. 

He shook his head, put his cup on the truck bed. “Never mind. Sorry for bothering you.”

John walked away from him, every step heavier than the last. He was single-mindedly focused on getting away from Alex as fast as possible before he could say something else embarrassing, but Alex ran in front of him and put his hands up. 

“John, stop.” His eyes were wide and pleading. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?” 

Honestly, he’d already made a fool out of himself, so he may as well be blunt. “Maybe I gave you the wrong idea, Alex, but I—look, if you want something casual, to mess around or whatever, that’s fine. You can find someone to do that with, I’m sure you could have anyone you wanted. But I don’t roll like that. Not even for you.”

Alex shook his head. “John…” 

“Let’s not drag this out anymore than we have to.” John stared hard at the ground, afraid he’d do something stupid if he looked at Alex any longer. “I should go.” 

John tried to walk around him, only for Alex to grab his hand again. 

“Alex—” He sighed in frustration. 

Alex held on tight. “You got it all wrong, John. You’re wrong.” 

Alex felt like the biggest idiot in the world. Right after he promised himself that he wouldn’t fuck this up, he went and had John practically running away from him. If he could kick his own ass, he would. 

The truth was, of course he saw John as soon as he showed up at the party. There could be a million people in the room and John would be the first person he picked out. He was like a beacon to Alex, and Alex could barely resist his call. His first instinct was to run up to John and take him far away from this place, where they could be alone and really  _ be  _ with each other _.  _ But at the last second, he got nervous. 

He was worried about coming on too strong and scaring John off. If he let John see too much of himself and John ran away, how would Alex live with that? He didn’t want to risk it. So he thought it was better to stick with his usual way of doing things, which was to back off after pursuing someone so heavily. That way the other person was thinking about him, wondering about him, waiting for him to make his next move. It drew them to Alex without him having to do much at all. 

But now he felt sick to his stomach for trying to play those games with John. He didn’t want John to be unsure for a single second how Alex felt about him. Alex was serious about this, about  _ John,  _ and he couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving without knowing that. 

“I’m sorry. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to you, I was just—I just—” He was stumbling all over himself. He could talk non-stop about the most meaningless shit, but now when it actually mattered, he fumbled with his words. “I was trying to play it cool. I got in my own head and acted stupid because I…I don’t want to mess this up. With you.” 

There were a thousand words running through his head, but his mouth wouldn’t move anymore. He couldn’t sum it up better than that: he was doing everything he could not to mess things up with John. So of course, that was exactly what he did. 

John stared at him a long time. Alex could feel his heartbeat in his throat, on pins and needles waiting for him to speak. 

Finally, John said softly, “You won’t mess up. Just be straight up with me. No games, no tricks. Just honesty, that’s all I want. I want to trust you, but…” John leveled him with a measured and intense gaze. “Can I trust you?” 

“Yes.” Alex breathed. “You’re safe with me, I promise.” 

There was still a wary look in John’s eyes but he nodded. “Okay.” 

Alex exhaled, almost going boneless with the relief of being back in John’s good graces. 

He took a chance and moved his hand lower to brush John’s knuckles, peering up at him under his eyelashes. “Then, in the spirit of honesty, I have to tell you the truth. I haven’t stopped thinking about you all week.” 

John bit his lip, fighting against the smile that threatened to spill across his face. But it was a losing battle almost immediately. “In the spirit of full honesty: same.” 

Alex knew he was smiling like an idiot, he didn’t care. Putting that look on John’s face made him feel like he could do anything in the whole wide world. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Alex said, bouncing on his feet. “This party’s dead anyway.” 

“Leave?” John said. “But we’ve barely been here!” 

But Alex was already pulling him away. “This isn’t even the best spot by the water. I’ll show you, come on.” 

And there they were again, running away hand in hand. John had no idea where they were going, he just had to follow Alex in blind faith. They sprinted through the trees, squeezing through bushes and jumping over tree roots. Eventually they ended up at a clearing, where the river stream flowed stronger. They were rocks jutting up from the water, the sound of the running river filling the air. What took John’s breath away was the way the moon was reflected off the water’s surface, bathing everything around them in this heavenly glow. 

“Wow,” He let go of Alex’s hand and stepped closer to the edge. “This is beautiful, Alex.”

“Right?” Alex was already slipping off his shoes and socks. “The water feels even better.” 

John followed his lead and took off his shoes, and they dipped their feet into the water. The water was cool to the touch, but a nice sensation on a hot summer night. John stared down their reflections, which were hazy and wobbly with the ripples of the water. They almost looked like they were half of each other like this, the lines between them blurring into each other. 

“This is my secret spot.” Alex splashed around with his feet. “My place isn’t much farther from here. I come down every time I want to get out of the house. So I’m here a lot.” 

Alex laughed quietly to himself at his last statement, and it was enough for John to look over at him. There was a melancholic look on Alex’s face as he stared up at the stars. The smile on his face was bittersweet, far different from the ones he’d shown John before. 

“Why don’t you like going home?” John blurted out. The words surprised him as much as they surprised Alex.

Alex looked at him for a long time. Then he said quietly, “If I tell you, can I ask you a question too?” 

John’s heartbeat picked up with anticipation. He nodded. 

Alex swallowed, kicked his feet in the water again, and said, “My dad.” 

Then he got out of the water and sat down on the ground. John stared at him as he walked away, before going over to sit next to him. The silence hung in the air, save for the chirps of the cicadas.

Alex turned to him. “Alright, my turn.” 

John furrowed his brow. “What, that’s it? You don't have anything else to add?”

“I gave you an answer. Now it’s my turn.” The expression in Alex’s eyes was like an arrow shooting right through him. “You don’t want to be a lawyer.”

It wasn’t a question, and it threw John off-kilter. “W—What?”

Alex’s gaze didn’t waver. “You don’t want to be a lawyer. I mean, it’s obvious. When you talked about your art, your eyes lit up. Your face came to life just thinking about it. But you talked about going into your dad’s firm like you were describing a root canal. There was no life in your voice at all.” 

It scared John how easily Alex saw straight to the core of him, uncovering a truth he had only just recently allowed himself to acknowledge. He felt exposed, vulnerable. 

John looked away. “Is that a question?” 

Alex’s lips quirked up. “Why? Why are you working so hard studying to do something you don’t even want to do?” 

“My dad.” he answered, and left it there. It made Alex laugh a little. 

“Looks like we have more in common than we thought.” Alex nudged his shoulder. 

Maybe because he was feeling vulnerable, or because he was staring up at the night sky and taken apart by its beauty, or because he looked over and saw a boy whose beauty could rival any star in the sky, he kept on talking. 

“I don’t know, it’s not really his fault, it’s mine.” John hugged his knees to his chest. “I don’t like thinking about the future. There’s too many unknowns, things that are out of my control. How am I supposed to decide what to do with the rest of my life when I haven’t really lived it yet?”

Alex opened his mouth to respond, but John shook his head and kept talking. “Dad knows best. He’s got my entire life set up for me, so I don’t even have to worry about it. I’ll make good money, have time to spend with my family. How can I be upset with that?” 

“It’s your life, John. Not his.” Alex said. “It’s not something he should decide for you. You’re the one who’s going to have to live it.”

John stiffened and shook his head even more sharply. “You don’t understand. It’s not like I have an idea of what I want to do outside of law. And even if I did, it’s too big of a risk. What if I’m wrong and things don’t work out? It’s better to follow the path and secure my future.”

“That sounds lonely.” Alex said back. “Following the path. You’ll never start living like that.” 

John inhaled sharply and said, “What about you? You have it all figured out?” 

Alex shrugged. “I mean no, not completely. I have a plan. I don’t know how I’m gonna achieve every part of this plan, but I have it.” 

“Let’s hear it.” 

Alex took in a deep breath and said, “I’m gonna work myself hard at this job, save up enough money for a couple of months’ rent on a shitty apartment in the city and some classes at the community college. I’ll find myself a job doing some bookkeeping or accounting, because the only thing I’ve been good at is business, handling money and making money. On the side, I’ll write articles to submit to the local paper, about the economy, our current state of affairs and what needs to be fixed. If I get enough attention, maybe I could build some connections. And once I build some good enough connections, I can sneak my way into the State House, where the real work happens. I don’t care if I have to be the water boy for a couple of years. If I can make it into the room where it happens, where laws are made, I’d do anything. I’ll work my way up until I’m the one calling the shots and making the laws.”

John was stunned silent, blown away. Angelica was right, Alex had ambition in droves. To aspire to such a high position knowing that the road ahead would be tough and filled with plenty of failures along the way…John really was no match for him. 

“At least, that was the plan.” Alex added. 

John’s head snapped to him. “Was? What changed?” 

“I met you.” Alex smiled at him and reached over, casual as ever, to brush some of the hair back from John’s face. “So I had to rip up the old plan. Don’t worry, I made a new one. I’m good with coming up with those.” 

John stared at him, speechless. Here was a boy destined for greatness, who had the balls to reach for the moon and stars and then some, who was an unstoppable force, and John was more than a blip on his radar? Him? Alex was amazing, and John was simply average. Boring, dull. It didn’t make any sense. None of this made any sense. 

“Why me?” He couldn’t stop the words from coming out. He had to know. 

Alex scrunched his eyebrows. “Why you? What do you mean?” 

John glared hard at the ground, avoiding Alex’s gaze. “Why me? Why do you like me so much? You’re amazing, Alex, you’re…everything. You’re smart and hot and you know what you want to do with your life, and you won’t let anyone or anything stop. You deserve someone out of this world, someone who will blow you away. And instead you’re focused on me. I have no idea what I’m doing, there’s nothing interesting about me.” 

John willed himself not to cry. “I’m used to fading into the background. I’m not the type of person people pick out of a crowd. I’m telling you now, you’ll just be disappointed if you—” 

“John.” And just the way Alex said that one word was enough to stop John in his tracks. “Is that really how you see yourself?” 

John shrugged. “It’s true.” 

“It’s not.” The conviction in his voice made John look at him, just in time to see the fired up expression in his eyes. “I told you, I never felt anything like I did the first time I saw you. You were brighter to me than any sun I’ve ever seen, you still are. You’re beautiful, honest, fun. You’re out of this world to me, completely out of my league—”

John was already shaking his head, turning away.

This time, Alex turned John’s face back to him. Alex’s eyes were warm as hot chocolate and the movement of his thumb stroking John’s cheek made John dizzy. “I know you don’t believe me, but that’s okay. I’ll just have to show you how wrong you are. I won’t rest until you see yourself the way I see you.” 

John’s eyes flicked all over his face, lingering on his lips. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” John felt the words against his mouth. “It’s all a part of the plan.” 

There it was again, that desperate urge to kiss John. Alex wanted to do it so badly, his thoughts and vision narrowed down to John’s full, plump lips. But was he moving too fast? He didn’t want to push John or make him think that Alex was only saying all this stuff to get into his pants. After he almost screwed up tonight, maybe it would be better to wait and prove his intentions to John. Pulling back would take an enormous amount of willpower, but he geared up to do it when— 

“God, will you just kiss me already?” John said. 

Alex froze, struck dumb by the bolt of desire that laced down his spine at the words. John misinterpreted his reaction as rejection, and was mortified by how desperate he sounded. He was so embarrassed for thinking Alex might want to kiss him when that obviously wasn’t what he was going for. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—I didn’t mean to say it like that!” John wanted to die, he was so embarrassed. “That was weird and demanding and—I should go, sorry—”

He started getting up, fully prepared to run away. But as he tried to turn away, Alex grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back down. John practically fell onto his mouth, his body sprawling across Alex’s lap and they were kissing. Even the simple touch of their lips together was like an explosion, his heart went  _ boom.  _ John gasped and Alex took the opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth, and it was  _ on.  _

The sensation of their tongues sliding against each other set John on fire. He put his hands on Alex’s face to drag him even closer into him and Alex knotted his fingers in his hair and just held him, turning him inside out with his hands and his tongue and his  _ mouth.  _ Heat unfurled from the center of his body and spread all over, like a fever taking over. He didn’t notice the hard tree roots digging into his back or the dirt getting in his hair. His world had narrowed down to everything Alex.

It was driving Alex wild too. This was beyond anything he’d ever experienced, he almost felt out of his element. When he nipped John’s bottom lip and John moaned into his mouth, a shudder swept through him that made him go pliant, weak with how much he _wanted._ He ended up lying on top of John, tilting John’s head back so he could press deeper into him. 

They only pulled away once they absolutely needed to breathe, and even then they didn’t pull away far. They were nose to nose, breathing heavy into each other’s mouths. 

“Whoa,” John said in a dazed tone. It was the only thing running through his head. 

It made Alex burst into quiet giggles. He buried his face in John’s shoulder and shook with suppressed laughter. 

“What?” John said, laughing a little because Alex was laughing. 

It took a few seconds, but Alex regained his composure. He put on a straight face, looked John right in the eyes, and said, “Whoa.”

Then he collapsed into laughter again, and this time John laughed with him. 

John hit his shoulder. “Asshole. What else am I supposed to say?” 

Alex shook his head, settling down to a tender smile on his face. “No, you’ve got it right. Whoa.” 

And laying there with Alex, John knew right then that he had found something real special. 


	2. Chapter 2

After that night, Alex and John were inseparable. 

They spent as much time together as they could, filling up their days with each other. Most days went about the same way. Alex would work hard at his job, then break for lunchtime with the rest of the crew, when on the dot he’d hear the sound of bike tires screeching and the most beautiful voice in the world calling out his name. 

“Alex!” John came riding down the dirt pavement on his bike. The wind blew through the loose strands falling out of John’s ponytail and there was a wide smile spread across his face. He snapped everything into sharp focus for Alex the moment he laid eyes on him. 

Alex ran forward to meet him without even thinking about it, stopping in front of John just as he braked in front of him. Alex put his hands on the handlebars and leaned forward to kiss John, soft and firm on the lips. The boys whistled and hooted behind him, but he ignored them.

“I missed you,” he said, because he knew it would bring a blush to John’s face. 

True to form, the rosy flush bloomed on John’s face, but he didn’t look away. “I missed you too.” 

“I missed you too, John!” One of the guys shouted. “Can I get a kiss?” 

Alex turned back and said, “Which one of you wants to get their ass kicked?” 

“It’s good to see you too, guys.” John laughed along with everyone else. Since he’d been coming practically every day, the crew had come to accept him as a part of their little family. 

“How’d tutoring go?” Alex asked him. 

John rubbed his temple. “I’ll be happy if I never have to conjugate another French verb again. But other than that, fine.” 

“Are you tired?” Alex said, concerned. “Hop off, I’ll ride us both to the diner. You can relax on the back of the bike.” 

John blushed even deeper. “Alex, you’ve been on your feet all day. You should be more tired than I am.”

“I’m tired as hell, Alex, how come you never offer me a ride?” Hercules said from behind them. “I thought we were friends, man. That count for anything?” 

Alex rolled his eyes. “If I tried to bike anywhere with your ass on the back, we’d never get off the lot.” 

The boys let out a raucous bout of laughter, shoving and jeering at Hercules. Alex turned back to John and said, “Let’s go before these idiots come up with something else to say.” 

They’d go to the local diner for lunch and sit down at the booth seats right up against the window. John would spread out his school books and continue studying, this time with Alex’s help. It was beneficial for Alex too, since it gave him the chance to sharpen his knowledge using the newest study materials instead of the outdated, dusty books at the library. 

Though, it wasn’t like they spent all their time studying. Alex would always find an excuse to get up from his seat and slide into the seat next to John, then proceed to do everything possible to distract him from his work, whether it was with his words or his casual touches or just straight up leaning over and kissing him. It wasn’t like Alex had to work very hard to distract him. He had all of John’s attention always, he just had to ask for it. 

When it was time for Alex to get back to work, they’d take the longest route back to the construction site and walk slowly, John wheeling his bike next to him. Sometimes they’d talk, but it wasn’t necessary. They were happy just from simply being next to each other, sharing loving glances and pressing their shoulders together. Even though they knew they’d see each other again soon, it was always hard saying goodbye. 

“I don’t want to go,” Alex whined as the site came into view. It was new for him, he never dreaded going to work so much. 

“But you have to.” John put up his kickstand and stood in front of Alex, taking his hand. “We’ll do something fun after your shift. That’ll give you something to look forward to.”

He buried his head into John’s shoulder. “That’ll just make the time go by slower!” 

John laughed at his pain. “I’ll see you later.” 

Alex pulled him back before he could walk away. “Wait. Kiss me one last time before you go.” 

“Alex.” 

“Please?” Alex blinked up at him with puppy dog eyes. “It’ll get me through the rest of my shift.” 

John sighed, rolled his eyes, crossed his arms. But when Alex looked at him like that, it was impossible for John to refuse him anything, and they both knew it. Within seconds John was swaying forward, pressing their lips for a short, sweet, goodbye kiss. But it never stopped at one last kiss when it came to the two of them. It was one, then two, then their heads were tilting and Alex’s arms were wrapping around his neck, and then— 

A car horn sounded off behind them. Alex turned around to see Herc leaning out a pickup truck window just off in the distance.

“Yo, make out with John off the clock!” Hercules shouted. “We’ve got a supply run to make!” 

Alex gave him the middle finger and kissed John one last time for real. “I’ll see you after work, bye—”

_Love you,_ he cut himself off because he could speak the words out loud and embarrass himself when John didn’t say it back. That didn’t make them any less true, though. 

He hopped in the passenger seat with a goofy smile on his face, ignoring the look Hercules was giving him. 

Herc shook his head, started the car, and said, “Man, you are _so_ whipped.” 

If anything, the smile on his face only got wider. He shrugged and shot back, “Yeah, maybe. So what?” 

Even though Hercules made fun of his friend _a lot,_ he was seriously grateful for John’s presence in Alex’s life. Alex had been going through each day like a robot before, the first one to show up at the site in the morning and the last one left long after everyone had gone home. The bosses took advantage of Alex’s obsession with working by having him do the accounting for the company alongside his other duties for barely a pay raise. No matter how many times Hercules begged Alex to slow down, take a break, Alex just shrugged him off. 

But now, he got in when he was supposed to, took his lunch breaks and actually ate during them, and left on time with the rest of them. What’s more, he smiled while he worked and joked around with the rest of the guys. When they all hung out after work, Alex joined them more often than not. He was closer to the old Alex that Hercules grew up with, and Herc knew that was all due to John Laurens. 

“You’re one to talk,” Alex put his feet up on the dash. “Like you don’t roll over and sit every time Laf snaps his fingers.” 

“Don’t even start with that, you two are way worse than us.” Herc argued. 

Bickering with Alex, things felt more normal than they’d been in a while. 

After work, the sky was the limit. Alex and John would meet up again to do all sorts of things, anything they could come up with. Since John loved ice cream, they’d stop by Betty’s Ice Cream Shoppe when the evening was at its hottest. It was less popular than the Blue Bell’s right on the boardwalk, but had much better ice cream. John was determined to try every flavor, while Alex stuck with a simple vanilla ice cream cone. 

“Don’t you get tired of the same flavor?” John asked him as they walked through the streets. This time he had a banana chocolate chip cone. 

Alex shook his head. “Why would I? I know I like it and it tastes good every time.”

“But it’s the same.” he repeated. “Aren’t you ever in the mood for something different?” 

“Not really.” Alex glanced over at John, just as he took a lick of his ice cream. He smirked and said, “And I can just have a taste of yours any time I want to, right?” 

“Yeah, sure.” John took another lick. “But if you want some, you better hurry before I finish—what are you doing?” 

Alex was going in for a kiss, but stopped short. “Trying to get a taste?”

The statement made John throw his head back with laughter, deep, genuine laughter. “Ew, Alex. That shit may work in the movies, but it’s gross in real life.” 

“I thought it’d be a little cute.” Alex mumbled, pouting. 

“No.” John angled his cone in Alex’s direction. “If you want some of my ice cream, you have to get it like a normal person.” 

Alex rolled his eyes, but he wouldn’t pass up free ice cream. He bent down to take a lick, when he suddenly found himself nose deep in banana chocolate chip. As soon as he got close enough, John had smashed the ice cream in his face. 

The traitor in question was laughing so hard he dropped his cone. Alex didn’t even have the chance to be mad because John was already cradling his face and kissing him, licking the sweetness from around his mouth. 

“This is better than the movies,” he said, both of them laughing at this point. 

“You’re the worst.” Alex responded, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. 

They’d usually end up meeting up with their friends next. John slotted so neatly into the original trio of Lafayette, Hercules, and Alex that it was almost as if he had been there from the beginning. They became a tight knit group of their own, riding around town on their bikes and going on double dates. Sometimes Alex and Hercules would try to race each other, their boyfriends sitting on the back and clinging on for dear life. Alex lost every time, but he was proud of himself for being able to give Herc some competition.

(“Damn, all that heavy lifting and you can’t win a race?” John teased him as Alex sprawled out on the grass. 

“What do you want me to do?” Alex complained. “Herc’s built like a god.” 

“Now that you mention it…” John gave Hercules an exaggerated onceover. “Herc, is it me or do your pants look hot?” 

Both Alex and Lafayette looked at him with outraged expressions, while Hercules preened. 

“John Laurens, do not make me hurt you.” Lafayette in a low, dangerous voice. 

“Never thought Hercules would steal a guy from me with his biking skills.” Alex slumped back onto the ground. “First time for everything.” 

“Not gonna lie, I was waiting for someone to bring up the pants.” Herc grinned.)

Even the Schuylers had become friendlier towards them. Watching how considerate and caring Alex was to John thawed the last bit of ice in their hearts, along with Alex sincerely apologizing to them again, urged on by John (“You’re lucky I wasn’t there,” John had told him. “Or I would’ve kicked your ass next.”). The wall had come down and they were able to hang out as a big group. It made Alex really happy since, aside from Lafayette and John, the girls were the only people from the wealthy crowd that Alex actually enjoyed spending time with.

“John, get in the water!” Peggy shouted, and the rest of the group shouted with her. 

They’d gone swimming at the lake, just seven of them. There was a long rope tied up to one of the tree branches and it had been a tradition to jump into the water by swinging on it. Each one of them had done it, leaving John last. 

John was poised on the branch, but looked at the water nervously. “I don't know about this, guys.” 

“Don’t be a baby! You’ll be fine!” Angelica said, then turned and splashed Alex. “Get your man.” 

Alex cupped his hand and shouted, “John, what are you waiting for? Get in!”

He clutched the rope tighter and shook his head. “I can’t. It’s too high up.”

“That’s the fun part!” Lafayette shouted back. 

Alex swam a little closer to the shore. “It’s not that bad. If you need a little push, I can—” 

“If you push me, I’ll dump you.” 

“If you don’t get in the water, _I’ll_ dump _you!”_

“Stop flirting and get in the water!” Peggy groaned. 

“John, it’s okay. We won’t let you sink.” Alex looked up at him sincerely. “We’ve got you.” 

The rest of the group cheered in agreement. John stared at him a while longer, then took a deep breath and swung on the rope. He flopped into the water with a large splash, screaming the whole way down. It took a couple of seconds before he came up to the surface. 

“Shit, wait, did we actually kill him?” Hercules said. Alex nearly had a heart attack. 

But then John emerged from the water with a gasp. He turned to Alex and said, “That was great! Let’s do it again!” 

It made everyone burst out laughing. 

When they were done swimming, the group sprawled out next to each other on the ground. Angelica’s gaze trailed over to Alex and John. She watched as John sat down on the grass and Alex, casual as ever, laid down next to him and put his head on John’s lap. Without saying anything, John reached up and started brushing Alex’s wet hair away from his face in a careful, rhythmic pattern. Alex’s eyes slipped shut and he leaned into the movement. 

It startled Angelica watching the two of them, even though it shouldn't have by now. It wasn’t like Alex wasn’t an affectionate person, he was expressive with all his emotions. When he was with someone, he was flirty and showered them with attention, made them feel like they were the center of his world. She had firsthand experience of that. But it was always _him_ showering the affection, _him_ showing kindness. When someone tried to be kind to him, he pulled back. He never allowed himself to be the one taken care of, or to lean on the other person, even just a little bit. But with John, Alex seemed so open, relaxed. Happy without complications. 

“I’m not sure if I love or hate you two together,” she ended up saying out loud. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex asked, his eyes still closed. 

“It means John makes you less obnoxious _and_ more obnoxious at the same time.” 

“Hey!” 

Lafayette laughed. “You’re right!” 

“No, Alex is definitely less obnoxious.” Peggy said firmly. “At least he shuts up every once in a while now.” 

“Hah, speak for yourself.” Hercules said. “I’m gonna throw myself out the truck the next time I have to hear about John’s eyes or freckles or mouth—” 

Alex sprang up, blushing. “What the fuck, Herc?” 

A matching blush colored John’s face. “You talk about me that much?” 

“He never stops.” Herc groaned. 

Angelica smiled as she watched her friends picking on Alex. Spending time with them, it was like they were suspended in a world outside of time. It felt like it had been forever since they’d all been able to laugh and joke around without the weight of the real world hanging over their heads. 

She was shaken out of her trance by a gentle nudge. 

“I know what you mean,” Eliza said quietly, just for her ears. “He’s different now. Better.” 

They exchanged a look, speaking without words. After all, they knew each other like the back of their hands, and they both knew what it was like to love Alexander Hamilton. Even if that feeling was different now, they both wanted the best for Alex. To see him truly, genuinely happy. 

“I hope it lasts.” Angelica replied, and she really meant that. Because despite everything, no one deserved peace more than Alex.

Of all the things they did with their friends, John enjoyed going dancing most of all. The community center held a dance for all the youths every week, so the whole gang turned to the center dressed to the nines, ready to get loose. The Schuylers’ appearance anywhere immediately made it a hot spot, so these dances ended up becoming the place to be. John loved all of it, but like with most things, his favorite part was Alex. 

Alex wasn’t joking when he said he loved dancing, that much was clear. As soon as the music started, he came alive. He was dazzling, attracting everyone’s attention, and John could hardly keep up with him. Alex knew all the dances, from the slower waltzes to the fast paced foxtrots. Even when John didn’t know the steps himself, he just held on tight to Alex and followed his lead. He lost himself in the feeling of Alex's warm touch and earthy scent, enjoying the sensations that rushed through him as they flew through the dance floor.

But at the same time, these events were also his least favorite thing to do. It was expected that they wouldn’t dance together the whole time, since several of the dances required partner changes and things like that. He knew that, but it was still an odd feeling watching Alex from a distance. They were practically attached at the hip, so it made John feel a little off to be far enough away not to hear the words Alex was saying or know what was making him laugh. 

He felt bad for his own partner, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Alex. It was interesting watching him from the outside looking in. Alex was still as captivating and radiant as he was up close, but now John had to see what it was like when he turned his attention to someone else. He was dancing with a pretty brunette, his tan skin clashing against her pale skin. Alex said some words to her, a smile on his face, and her hair swished over her shoulder as she tossed her head back and laughed. She inched her body a little closer to Alex, and this dark feeling churned in John’s gut. 

He wasn’t used to this feeling, the sting of jealousy. He never really had anything to feel possessive over before. Being the eldest of five siblings, there was nothing he didn’t share with someone else from his toys to his clothes to his parents’ attention. Alex might have been the first thing that was truly his. And it flustered him a little, thinking of Alex as _his,_ but it was the truth. Alex was his and he was Alex’s, and he was counting down the minutes until it could be the two of them again. He wanted to steal Alex away, keep his smiles and attention for himself. It embarrassed him just having those thoughts, but what could he do? John had never felt about anyone the way he felt about Alex, He stared at Alex longingly and wondered if he could work up the courage to suggest leaving early the minute this song ended. 

The moment the two of them were paired up again, Alex whispered, “Let’s get out of here.” 

John huffed out a little laugh, in disbelief that Alex said exactly what he was thinking. He wanted to agree enthusiastically and drag him out the door, but there was a little voice inside him that told him to control himself, keep his feelings to himself. It sounded like his father. 

So he stared at his feet and mumbled, “We shouldn’t. Didn’t we promise we wouldn’t ditch this time?” He hated himself the moment the words came out of his mouth. Why was he saying the exact opposite of what he wanted?

“Hey, we danced, had a couple of drinks, socialized. We’ve done our duty for the night.” Alex cupped John’s cheek. “I wanna be with you now.” 

John let the mask break a little, a smile spreading across his face. He didn’t trust himself not to say something desperate, so he simply nodded. Alex lit up in response and pulled him quickly in the direction of the exit.

They passed Peggy on the way and John told her, “Me and Alex are on our way out, if anyone asks.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Alright, use protection.” 

They both blushed at the implication and made their way out without acknowledging it. No matter how much they denied it, all their friends thought they were further along in their relationship than they were. But despite how fast they were falling for each other, they were taking all other aspects of their relationship nice and slow. John liked it like that. He was more concerned about learning everything about Alex than anything else. 

Alex was giddy as they left the community center. It was as if they’d made a quick getaway and he was high off the adrenaline. He laughed at nothing as they walked down the sidewalk, then grabbed John and started dancing with him again, this time using exaggerated motions. John fed off his energy and giggled along with him.

“You better not drop me.” John warned as Alex dipped him in a dramatic fashion. 

They were inches apart from each other. Alex’s face was silhouetted against the starry sky, his eyes large and bottomless as he looked at John. “Do you trust me?”

The words were joking, but not. They pierced into John’s heart just as Alex’ gaze did. Alex was silent and patient, waiting for his response. He didn’t push, just waited for John. And so John responded in the same manner, joking but not. 

“I do.” he said, looking at Alex head-on. “But I’ll kill you if you drop me.” 

Alex laughed, and the sudden outburst did make him nearly drop John. He pulled John up just in time, but the forceful momentum of it resulted in John pressing Alex up against the stone wall of a nearby building behind them. 

“Told you I wouldn’t let you fall.” Alex joked. Then he noticed that John hadn’t moved at all. He had Alex caged against the wall, his head buried in Alex’s shoulder. Alex could feel the puff of his breaths against the side of his neck, and cautiously wrapped his arms around John. 

“John? Everything okay?” he asked. 

“I wanted to leave early too,” John blurted out. “With you.” 

Alex blinked at him, confused. 

John pulled back so they could see each other. “I hated watching you dance with that girl. Watching the two of you smile at each other and not knowing why was driving me crazy.”

“John.” 

He waved his hand, trying to get Alex to let him finish. “All I kept thinking about was how much I wanted to be with you too. Just so you know.” 

John’s face felt like it was on fire, but he had to say it. He was tired of stuffing his feelings now and hiding them within himself, especially when Alex did the complete opposite. If he could make Alex feel a fraction of the way he made John feel with his words, then it was worth it for John to step up and be honest. He wanted to make it clear that it wasn’t just Alex feeling this way. 

Alex grinned and looked away, a shy expression that John hadn’t seen on his face before. “I know. I was watching you too. You looked like you were this close to ripping Sarah’s hair out—” 

“I was not!” John interrupted. 

“But it’s nice to hear you say that.” Alex finished, squeezing him tighter. 

“I mean it,” John whispered, and then they kissed and no words needed to be spoken between them at all. 

That was when the real magic happened, when they were alone together. There was nothing Alex cherished more than every second he could get of John’s undivided attention. Once he got off work, he devoted all his energy to showing John the best parts of the place he called home. He took John to the touristy parts of the Bay, then to the non-touristy parts. He showed John the abandoned part of town, where projects to expand the town were started and stopped. They’d walk through empty, half-constructed buildings and shout as loud as they could just to hear their voices bounce back to them. 

Or they’d get in Alex’s rusty pickup truck and drive up to the cliffs. From up top there, the whole town was visible along with the ocean. John was wonderstruck by the view the first time Alex took him there and stood as close to the edge as possible. Every time they’d come, he’d bring his sketchbook and try to draw it piece by piece.

“A little Kip’s Bay to take home with me,” John told him. 

Alex didn’t like thinking about John going home. For the first time in his life, he didn’t want to jump ahead to the future. He focused on being here with John in the present. He would grab the blanket he kept in his backseat and laid it out on the truck bed, and they would lay down on it and watch the sunlight fade away. Alex committed to memory the sound of John’s pencil scratching against the paper and the weight of John’s head on his shoulder. 

They spent the most time by Alex’s secret spot by the lake, which was quickly becoming _their_ spot. They liked going there so much that they’d escape there late into the night, way past John’s curfew. Alex had become an expert at sneaking into the backyard of the Laurens’ massive summer home and throwing rocks at John’s bedroom window. Slowly, the window would open and John would come climbing down the white trellis, falling into Alex’s arms once he got close enough to the ground to jump off. They’d grin at each other and go running off into the night. 

Sitting by the rippling water, Alex felt like he could say anything to John. Slowly but surely, he found himself opening up about his dreams, his favorite memories from growing up by the sea. He even let slip a couple of memories with his mother, someone he never talked about with anyone ever. But it felt safe to talk about it with John, because John understood exactly what he had gone through. He was close with his mom, and lost her too. He was the only person who, when Alex mentioned her, didn’t look at him with pity or try to comfort him with sickly sweet words. John just held onto him tighter, kissed his hands, and listened. It made Alex want to cry with happiness or relief, he wasn’t sure. 

Over and over again, his heart and mind kept repeating the same truth back to him, that this thing with John was different. It wasn’t some summer fling that burned up hot and disappeared with the end of the season. It wasn’t like any other relationship that Alex had ever had. He was realizing, all at once, that what they had might be _real._

John was coming to the same realization. Meeting Alex from the start had been a shock to his system, because he never thought he’d meet a person like Alex in his whole life. He didn’t think someone like Alex existed, not for him. The idea that there might be someone out who matched with him seamlessly, who saw all the weak parts of him and wanted to stay anyway, would’ve never occurred to him. But Alex was here and he was real and he wasn’t going anywhere. He told Alex things he’d never told anyone else, about his family and how lonely he was back home, how hard it was trying to live up to his father’s expectations. The longer he stayed by Alex’s side, the harder it became for him to pretend that he wasn’t falling in head over heels in love with him. 

It didn’t matter, in the end. The truth came out on a night no different than any other. They were ankle deep in the water, splashing around. Alex was holding on tight to John from behind, trying to pick him up and throw him deeper into the water. However, John was stronger than he looked. So they were wriggling around each other, giggling the whole time. 

“Let go!” John tried to reach around and dunk Alex in the water instead, but Alex wouldn’t budge.

“Hell no, don’t even try!” Alex tightened his grip around him. 

In the end, they ended up pulling each other into the water with a loud splash. 

John spit out a mouthful of water. “I hate you.” 

Alex shook the water out from his hair. “Nah, you love me.” 

The words, which were tossed out as casual as asking about the weather, hit the both of them in slow motion. Alex froze, then stood up quickly. 

“We should get out of the water,” Alex stammered out, trying to sound unaffected. “Dry off before we catch a cold.” 

He hustled out of the river like cops were on his ass. John trailed behind, his mind still reeling from the words. They repeated on loop in his head, like a skipping record, _you love me, you love me, you love me—_

“I love you,” he said, sitting down next to Alex. 

Alex inhaled sharply, then shook his head. “You don’t have to say that. I don’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t mean—” 

“I love you.” John wondered why he found it so hard to say, all this time. It was the most natural, truest thing he had ever spoken into existence. He was in love with Alexander Hamilton, without question. 

Alex wouldn’t look at him, instead looking down at the ground. “John—” 

This time, John was the one to put his hands on Alex’s face and lift his head. “Look at me. I love you, Alex. I mean it.”

Alex’s eyes were as wide as saucers, but he didn’t look away. And to John’s surprise, Alex started tearing up. They leaned forward until their foreheads touched and reached over until their hands were grasping each other. Alex didn’t speak for a long time. 

When he finally did, he only said, “Why?”

“Because you’re Alex.” He didn’t need to say anything else. 

“I love you, John.” Alex whispered. “I don’t have much else I can offer you—I mean, I barely have more than a dollar to my name, no reputation to speak of, a high school degree at most. I don’t have anything I can give you that you don’t already have. But I love you. I can promise you that with all of my heart.” 

John kissed him once, then drew him into a hug. “That’s all I need.” 

And at that point, wrapped up in each other’s embrace, it really was. But reality was coming fast for them, the truth with it.

And the truth was, they were running out of time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See I can write a short chapter if I put my mind to it! Thanks for reading, see you next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

Now, it wasn’t like it was all rainbows and paradise between the two of them. As much as they were attuned to each other, the fights between them were plenty. Hell, they fought nearly as much as they kissed—well, maybe not  _ that  _ much. Despite how much they cared for each other, there were clear differences between them that made arguing between them inevitable, no matter how hard they tried to avoid it. 

Alex never forgot the gap in stations between him and John, not for one second. How could he? When you were poor, the world made it its business to remind you at every turn. It came in dreams sacrificed, simple needs that were hard to get and hold onto, experiences missed. Their upbringings were extremely different, that much was obvious. It was hard for Alex not to wince every time John brought the numerous countries he’d visited on vacation or the various influential people he’d met, being at his father’s side. It stung Alex, because he had nothing to say back. He’d rarely gone outside of Kip’s Bay and never outside of New York. His world was so small, and John’s so huge. 

Alex noticed how heads turned when they people saw them together. There was confusion on both sides at the two of them being a couple, but especially from John’s crowd, the elites. Apparently, John’s family was rich enough to buy out half the families that usually summered there, so it made no sense that someone like him would waste his time on local trash like Alex. He heard the whispers, saw how people glanced at them and pointed with this thinly veiled look of disapproval. All he could do was close his ears and pretend he didn’t know what they were saying about them, about him really. 

Then they had the misfortune of running into Thomas Jefferson while they were walking through town. 

Thomas was just up ahead of them with a crowd of his goons flocking around him. Alex saw the moment his eyes caught them, especially their hands clasped together. A nasty smirk appeared on his face. 

“John! I haven’t seen you around lately.” he called out. “Having fun slumming it?” 

Thomas’ friends laughed, and Alex's hand curled up into a tight fist. But John gripped his other hand tighter and spoke before he could. “Fuck off, Thomas.” 

Thomas whistled low. “Wow, now you’re starting to talk like them too. I wonder if your dad knows the type of company you’re keeping?”

“Who’s ‘them’?” Alex said in a low, dangerous voice. 

Thomas directed that infuriatingly smug look in his direction. “Hm? You say something?” 

“Alex, don’t.” John turned to him, his eyes pleading. 

“You heard him. Down, boy!” Thomas and his friends started mimicking a dog’s yelping, and Alex nearly lost his cool.

But he looked back at John and remembered himself. Instead of lashing out, he clung onto John tightly and tried to walk past the group without saying another word.

Just as they were about to pass by, Thomas said, “This must be a dream come true for you, huh, Alex? Must be the easiest money you’ve ever made. All you have to do is lie back and—” 

Thomas didn’t get to finish that sentence, because Alex was already whirling around to knock him on his ass with a clean right hook.

“Alex!” John called out, but it was too late. 

Thomas tackled him to the ground, and they both got in a couple of solid hits before John yanked Alex away at the sound of the cops coming. You’d think after all of that they’d be a mutually angry, united front. But no, John was mad at  _ him.  _

“You know nothing comes out of Thomas’ mouth but bullshit.” John said as he carefully dabbed ointment on the cuts on Alex’s knuckles. 

Thankfully, John’s house was empty for the day, so they’d escaped there. John got the maid to bring them a first aid kit  _ (The maid,  _ Alex thought to himself, another mark of the gap between their lives) and had set about tending to his wounds. Though his hands were gentle, the expression on his face was nothing short of furious. 

“You know that, right?” John repeated. 

“Of course I know that.” Alex snapped. “I’ve known him longer than you.”

“Nothing he says means shit. He only says that stuff to get a rise out of you— _ you,  _ specifically Alex. He only says shit like that to me to wind  _ you  _ up—so I ignore him. There’s no point in responding to what he says, because I know he’s just spouting off lies.”

John put down the medical supplies in his hands. “But you react every time. And I don’t know why you would, unless you don’t think he’s lying. But you do, right?” 

John’s blazing glare made him squirm a little. “Of course. Like you said, nothing but bullshit comes out of his mouth. He just really know how to drive me up a fucking wall, that’s all.”

John stared at him a little longer, then nodded. “I know. But you don’t have to respond to every single little thing he says. Just let him talk. Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to you.” 

“You’re right.” He held John’s hand to his face as John pressed an ice pack over his swollen eye. “I’m sorry. I put you in a shitty position.” 

John sighed, but softened a little. “It’s alright. I feel bad for Thomas, actually. Because he’ll never understand what it’s like to love someone the way you and me love each other ”

Alex swallowed heavily, feeling choked up all of sudden. “Yeah.” 

Alex wasn’t lying, he knew that everything that Thomas and everyone else thought was a bunch of bullshit, because it wasn’t their relationship. He was the one with John each day, he was the one who knew how well they fit together, and he knew that their feelings were true. But he couldn’t act like he didn’t see what everyone else was seeing. 

Put the two of them side by side. John was the heir to a family which owned several high profile companies in law, business, and medicine. He had his legacy laid out for him and ready for the taking, had never had to ask for a single thing that couldn’t be easily obtained. Meanwhile, Alex spent last week begging the electric company not to turn out their lights because his dad “forgot” to pay the bills. He was a rusty piece of trash next to John’s shining figure, Alex understood that acutely. But that was okay, because all that meant was that he’d have to become someone worthy of standing next to John. He’d build his own legacy from the ground up, so ironclad that no one would ever wonder again what someone like John was doing with someone like him. 

Until then, Alex didn’t want anyone thinking he was taking advantage of John and his privilege. Thomas’ words tore more deeply into Alex than he let on. He couldn’t stand the thought of people looking at him as some sort of gold digger, when he had never accepted anything he didn’t earn with his own blood, sweat, and tears. His character was the only thing he had for sure, and he wasn’t going to let baseless accusations darken it. So Alex never accepted any gifts from John, or let John treat him to anything, or let John do much for him at all. 

He didn’t seem to understand how much it hurt to love someone and be unable to do anything for them. No, to be  _ unallowed  _ to do anything for them. John tried not to take it personally every time Alex rejected him, but the resentment began to build up inside of him little by little. 

“Have you heard about that new restaurant that just opened up?” John asked him while they were hanging out during Alex’s lunch break. “Dolley was telling me about it, apparently the food’s amazing. Let’s go there for dinner tonight.”

Alex’s stomach dropped. He’d heard about the new restaurant, since people he knew got jobs working as waiters and waitresses there. And from what they said, the food was expensive, the customers were entitled, and it was the hottest place to eat in town right now. Just the appetizers would probably cost half his paycheck, talk less of the entrees. 

“That’s alright. Let’s just pick up something from Penny’s and—” 

“We eat at Penny’s all the time.” John cut in. “It’ll be nice to go somewhere new for once. You like seafood? I heard they’ve got scallops that melt in your mouth, and crab cakes that…” 

Alex lost track of what John was saying, because his mind stayed stuck on that word,  _ scallops.  _ He loved seafood, but what came to mind was the crab legs his mom would talk the fishermen at the dock into letting her have. Sometimes she’d get them to give her a couple of crabs too, the ones too small or too stunted to sell. She’d make delicious crab stew, crab soup, or they’d just crack open the legs and suck the meat from them. Seafood to him was the fish he and his dad caught from the lake in the backyard of their house, that they filleted and seasoned and cooked all on their own. No amount of seasoning in the world could completely cover up the sour taste the fish had from the brackish waters, but that had its own charm too. He didn’t think of  _ scallops.  _ He never would. 

“I think we should go somewhere else.” he said, right in the middle of what John was saying. 

“Why not? Why can’t we go there?” John stared at him, demanding an answer. 

Alex gritted his teeth. He couldn’t believe John was making him spell it out, the obvious reason why. But John held his gaze, resolute, so Alex had to say it. 

“I can’t afford a place like that.” Shame colored his voice, despite his efforts to shove it back down. Nothing made him feel more pathetic than that simple fact: he couldn’t afford it. 

John shrugged his shoulders. “It’ll be my treat, then. I’m the one who wants to go.” 

And that set Alex off. 

Before he could stop and think, he hissed, “I don’t need a fucking treat. I wouldn’t go to that restaurant if you paid me. What kind of dumbass do I look like, dropping a full paycheck just to eat some twigs? You wanna waste money, do it on your own time. Leave me out of it.” 

Silence.

John closed his workbook and pushed it to the side. He was clenching his fists so tight, his knuckles were turning white. John stayed quiet for another long moment, and then he looked up at Alex. 

“I’m allowed to take my boyfriend out to dinner.” John said quietly. “You get to do it all the time. I don’t throw a fit every time you buy me ice cream or—” 

“Jesus, don’t you dare compare  _ ice cream  _ to dinner at a fancy restaurant!” Alex snapped. “A cone is what, a couple of bucks? I can get you ice cream without breaking the bank, John. I’m not the starving beggar you think—” 

“And I can afford to take you out to a nice restaurant.” 

“I know.” Alex scoffed. “I’m well aware.”

“Go to hell, Alex.” John shot back, snapping Alex’s head in his direction. John never talked like that. “All you think about is yourself. How  _ you  _ feel, what everyone is saying about  _ you.  _ I just want to do something for you, and all you care about is what everyone else thinks.” 

“I don’t need you to do anything for me.” Alex said. “Can’t you get that?” 

He knew right then that he went too far. John’s eyes flashed with hurt, and he shot up out of his seat. “Fine. Have dinner with your ego, that’s the only thing you give a shit about.” 

“John, wait.” He tried to grab John’s hand, but John ripped it out of his grasp as he stormed out of the diner. 

They didn’t speak for the rest of the night. But when the sun came up the next day, John met him at the construction site like usual. They didn’t bring up their argument and they didn’t bring up going out to eat. And it wasn’t that John wasn’t angry anymore, he was just tired of having the same fight they’d been having.

For John, it was very simple. He loved Alex, and he wanted to be with him. Everything that existed outside of that fact was easy for him to push aside and ignore. He thought it’d be the same for Alex, but it wasn’t. Instead, it felt like there were too many boundaries between them, wall after wall that Alex put up every time John tried to push in closer. They had so many rules. John wasn’t allowed to help Alex out in any way that involved money, if at all. He wasn’t never ever allowed to come over to Alex’s house unless Alex brought him there himself, which was very rare. And they couldn’t talk about his dad, ever. He was shut down every time he tried. What was the point of pushing back when there was no chance of anything changing?

Not to mention, they couldn’t fight about that without getting into it about John’s own boundaries, which all centered around his family. 

John hadn’t formally introduced Alex to them yet. His siblings knew that Alex existed, and he told Alex about all of them all the time, but that was as much contact as John was comfortable with. 

“I don’t want to share you just yet,” he tried to explain to Alex. “I want you all to myself for a little longer before everything gets so serious.” 

Alex understood that. John practically raised his brothers and sisters, and introducing someone new to them was a really serious step, one Alex wasn’t sure he was ready for at first. But the more serious he got about John, the more it hurt how determined John was to keep him and his family apart. He didn’t even want them to cross paths accidentally, like Alex was some dirty secret he was hiding. 

“I’m not hiding you, they know I’m with someone.” John said the last time they fought about this. “I don’t want to rush things. We’re…tight-knit. My family. We don’t let a lot of new people in. The last thing I want to do is move too fast and give them the wrong impression of you. It’s really important to me that they like you.”

Alex heard what he wasn’t saying. It was important that his brothers and sisters accepted him, because if they didn’t, there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that John’s father would. 

Henry Laurens. The patriarch of the Laurens family, head partner at his own renowned law firm. A man oozing with power, influence, and reputation. He was both hardly around, usually out wining and dining clients or working on a case, but also an ever present figure who held an iron grip on how his children would conduct themselves and how they would live up to the Laurens name. He exerted the most control over John, his eldest. 

Alex hated him. He’d never met the man, and he knew without a doubt that he hated him more than anything in the world. After all the nights John and him had stayed up talking about anything and everything, it became clear to Alex that this man was the reason that John had such a distorted image of himself. He’d beaten it into John’s head that he was a disappointment, a slacker, lacking. Basically, that he wasn’t good enough and everyone saw that. It was all lies, but John wasn’t convinced no matter how hard Alex tried to tell him what bullshit that was. 

To be clear, whenever John talked about Alex meeting his family, it never included his father. They both knew that Alex and Henry were the antithesis of each other, and any conversation between the two of them would be liable to end in an explosion. John wasn’t ready for his worlds to collide like that, not yet. 

Alex thought that they were on the same page, namely about Henry being the worst and everything he said being a load of shit. But every time he criticized Henry even a little bit, John closed off. Alex kept pushing forward regardless. He tried to convince John to stand up to his father and tell him he didn’t want to be a lawyer, but John wouldn’t budge. 

“Jesus, John, you’re about to be an adult.” Alex said. “You should be allowed to make your own decisions about what you’re gonna to do for the rest of your life. He can’t handhold you through everything.”

“I don’t know what I want to do if it’s not law,” John replied, frustration laced through his voice. “I can’t confront him when I don’t have any better ideas.”

“Isn’t the point of college to figure that out? Take a bunch of classes, see what you’re into?” Alex snorted derisively. “I’m sure Daddy Laurens can afford to give you a semester, at least.”

“My father has money because he doesn’t waste it.” John returned crisply. “I’m not about to ask him to start. I don’t need you to understand that.” 

“Good, because I don’t.” Alex shook his head. “I don’t get why you’d want to spend your whole life being his puppet.” 

The words hit like a slap in the face. “It’s not like that. My dad wants me to be happy, that’s why he does everything he does. Because he wants—” 

“He wants to keep you in line and make sure you’re keeping the good family name squeaky clean." Alex said matter of factly. “All he cares about is making sure you’re useful to  _ him.  _ Rich people are all the same, I swear to—”

“Don’t take it out on me because my dad actually gives a fuck about what happens to me.” 

The words split the air, and they both froze on impact. 

Before Alex could react, John was already flying into his arms and near to tears. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispered in Alex’s ear. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I love you, I’m sorry.” 

Most of their arguments were resolved just by saying that,  _ I love you, I’m sorry.  _ But it didn’t take the sting out of the words. Alex was beginning to learn the difference the way they argued. Alex had no filter, said what he thought unapologetically, and didn’t care much about pushing people’s buttons. John, on the other hand, listened to the other person, hid all his emotions behind a blank face, and simply internalized it all. But when you pushed him too far, he didn’t need to deliver a monologue like Alex. He could send you flying with one word. 

Alex was stiff in his arms, even as John held him tighter. It took him a beat to make his mouth move and say, “It’s okay.” 

John shook his head, his eyes watering. “No, it’s not. I’m so sorry, that was a messed up thing to say.”

He hated to see John cry, so he squeezed his shoulder and fixed a smile on his face. “I crossed the line too, okay? Let’s just drop it.” 

And so they did, or at least they tried to. But the closer they got, the more they ended pushing up against each other’s walls. It was only a matter of time they crumbled down all around them. 

***

They came tumbling down sooner rather than later. 

Alex invited John back to his house, which was a surprise all on its own. It wasn’t like John had never been there, but it was usually only for a few minutes, like if Alex forgot his wallet or needed to pick up something. Alex always made sure they were in and out, like they were robbing the place. 

“Nothing to see here,” Alex said the first time he let John step inside. “I know it’s nothing compared to your mansion.” 

“It’s not a mansion.” John quickly said. “And it’s not so bad here. It’s homey, I like it.” 

Alex snorted and turned away from him. “You mean it’s dirty.”

It was a little dirty, but it was also filled with little trinkets and paintings, a large fireplace in the family room. John liked Alex’s room the most. It was chaotic just like the boy, papers and books all over the floor and on his desk, posters of his favorite musicians up on the wall. Being in there, he felt like he was seeing a piece of Alex just for himself. 

This time, though, Alex barely gave him the chance to admire his room for long. 

Within seconds of getting to his place, Alex had John in his bedroom, on his bed, pressing furious kisses against his mouth. Alex  _ loved  _ doing this, there was nothing that got his pulse racing more. It was like unwrapping a present, taking apart John like this. First, he took out John’s ponytail so that John’s hair fanned out across the pillow. He tangled his fingers there and gripped tightly, swallowing each and every one of John’s moans. Then, with one last nip at his bottom lip, Alex moved down to the soft skin at the hollow of his neck. He sucked marks into John’s skin, even as John bucked and writhed underneath him. John’s hands found their way under his shirt, and the sharp sensation of John’s blunt fingernails dragging down his back was enough to pull a groan out of him.

One of Alex’s hands remained in John’s hair, but his other hand made its way down, pulling up his shirt. He trailed down the hand line of John’s body to the waistline of his pants, and  _ this  _ was his favorite part. A low chuckle escaped from his mouth, and he watched himself as he slowly released the button, slid down the zipper, and slipped his hand into John’s boxers.

The gasp John let out was like the crack of a whip. His nails pierced into Alex’s skin, but Alex didn’t flinch, no. He stroked him with the edge of his thumb and felt the shivers that wracked John’s body like they were coursing through his own. 

“Alex, please.” John begged. “I can’t…I can’t…”

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Alex shushed him. “I’ve got you.”

Alex leaned up and kissed him again, and John held onto him like he was drowning and Alex was a gold plated life raft. Alex was ready to blow just from the dazed out expression on John’s face and the pretty little sounds falling from his swollen lips. But he needed a little more. He was about to take John’s hand and press it to his groin, just for a second of relief, when he heard the front door slam. 

There was only one person who’d walk into his house like that. 

Alex launched himself off John, feeling like someone had tossed ice water all over him. “Oh, fuck.” 

“Alex? What is it?” John sat up, his chest heaving and his cheeks stained red. He was so gorgeous that Alex wanted to punch God or the world or whoever was responsible for making him have to pull away from this. 

“We need to go.” His voice was clipped, short. He could hear the sound of keys hitting the coffee table and someone grumbling. “Get dressed.” 

Alex got out of bed himself and tried to fix his hair into looking like something presentable. He grabbed John’s shoes and chucked them in the boy’s direction as John got up himself. 

John didn’t move to pick them up or do anything else. “I don’t understand, what’s going on?” 

“Quiet.” Alex’s attention was solely focusing on listening for more sounds outside. When he heard the floorboards creaking and the sound of another door further down the hallway closing, he turned back to John.

“Put your shoes on. We need to leave  _ now.”  _ He was too on edge to soften his words. 

John looked pissed, but he did what Alex asked. Once he was done, Alex swung the door open and dragged John out of his room, making a beeline for the front door. 

“Alex, what the hell is your problem?” John struggled against his grip, but Alex held fast. 

“Shhh, I’ll explain later, just—” 

“Alexander?” A new voice entered the room. “That you?” 

Alex stiffened, holding onto John so tight that John almost winced. Then he let go of John and turned around. John turned around with him. 

“I thought I heard your voice. Where the hell have you been, boy—” A man appeared in the entryway to the bedrooms, tan and wearing the rattiest clothes John has ever seen. He stopped short once his eyes caught on John, the expression on his face changing from gruff to a leering smirk. 

“Well, well, I didn’t realize we had company.” The man took a swig from the flask he was holding in his hand. “Who’s this?”

“None of your business.” Alex’s voice was as sharp as the tip of a needle, miles away from the boy who whispered sweetly in his ear. “We were just leaving.” 

The man ignored him and turned his attention to John. “You must be the reason why I haven’t seen my son all summer. And what a good reason at that.” 

Stupidly, it hit him all at once that this wasn’t some stranger.  _ This  _ was Alex’s father. He straightened up immediately and tried to project confidence, as if he wasn’t still throbbing in the places Alex had left his mark. 

“Let’s go, John.” Alex’s voice snapped him out of the shock. “No use talking to a drunk.” 

But John was fed up with Alex barking orders at him, and this was  _ Alex’s father.  _ Someone who was family, despite Alex’s evasiveness when it came to talking about him. If Alex had his way, John would never have the chance to meet him again. He wanted to know every part of Alex, so he had no intention of letting this chance go to waste. 

Instead of following Alex as he turned away, John moved closer and stuck his hand out. “John Laurens. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hamilton. Your son is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, so thank you for trusting me with him.” 

Alex’s father stared at his hand before taking it, smirking even wider. “Aren’t you all politeness? Thank you, John, that means a lot. And please, call me James. We’re all men here.” 

John made to let go, but James’ grip was tight on his hand. His eyes bored through John, examining him up and down in silence. John began to prickle with discomfort. 

“I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s just your type, Alexander.” Though he was speaking to Alex, he kept his eyes on John. “You’ve always had a weakness for the pretty ones, just like your old man.”

Then his gaze flicked over Alex and he said, “You fucked him yet?” 

John recoiled as if James had spat in his face. Before John could wrap his head around those words, Alex was already hauling James in by the front of his shirt and throwing him against the wall. James’ flask hit the floor with a loud crash, liquid spilling everywhere. 

“Don’t talk to him like that.” Alex was holding his own father to the wall like it was nothing, and there was a wild look in his eyes that made John’s blood run cold. “Keep your fucking comments to yourself.” 

“You feeling like a big man because your boy’s here?” James’ voice was pure malice. “Seems like you’ve forgotten what respect means. Maybe you need me to remind you.” 

Alex got in his face. “Try it.” 

“I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.” 

_ “Try it.”  _

“Stop.” 

John’s voice cracked around the words. It was all too much for him all of a sudden. The Alex standing in front of him was so unfamiliar, out of reach, and John hated it. 

“Stop it.” He put some strength behind the words. “Let’s go, Alex. Please.” 

The words woke Alex up as if he’d been coming out of a dream. He loosened his grip on his father and turned to look at John. When their eyes met he was Alex again, and John breathed a sigh of relief. 

Alex threw his father back against the wall, grabbed John’s arm, and pulled him towards the exit. This time, John didn’t resist. James shouted after them, saying, “That’s right, Alexander, go on now! You talk tough but you’re nothing but a scared little boy! Keep running, go ahead and be some rich boy’s b—” 

The slam of the door behind them cut off the rest of his speech. 

Alex didn’t say a word as they retreated from the house. He just held John’s wrist tight and ran, dragging John behind him. It was only when they got to their spot that Alex let the strong front he’d been trying to put up drop. He collapsed onto the ground and buried his head in his knees, taking slow, measured breaths. John stayed standing. He wasn’t sure whether to give Alex his space or fold him into his arms. 

“Well, that was him. My dad, Father of the Year.” Alex’s voice echoed loud in the quiet forest air. “You know, I’m actually proud of him. He spoke in full sentences and didn’t even need me to hold him up. All in all, I call that a good day.”

John’s mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say. 

“That’s who he is, John. I know you wanted to know more about him, and now you do.” Alex went on. “He’s nothing more than a twisted, bitter, degenerate alcoholic who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. That’s where I come from.”

“Alex…” 

“I didn’t want you to see me like that.” Alex’s head snapped up to look, and John’s heart wanted to break just looking at the devastation in his eyes. “I was trying so hard to keep you away from that part of my life. But he knows how to get at me, until I’m mean and cruel just like him. He’s a part of me no matter what I do. I’ve got his temper and his weakness, and—and I don’t blame you if all that makes you see me differently. I understand if this is all too much for you and you don’t want to see me anymore.”

_ “What?”  _ John gasped. It was enough to make him drop down next to Alex and take his hands. “What are you talking about?” 

Alex snatched his hands away. “Don’t play dumb. He’s my  _ dad.  _ He’s in me, all his bad traits and everything. You saw what I was about to do if you didn’t step in. And no matter how much of a deadbeat he is, he’s family. I can’t get rid of him. So don’t—don’t lie to me. If you don’t want anything to do with this, with me anymore, I get it. Don’t bullshit me because you’re worried about hurting my feelings.”

John was silent for a long moment, and Alex’s heart sunk down to his toes. 

Then John put an arm around his shoulders and said, “It’s not just your dad. You told me your mom was sweet, caring, and always there when someone needed her. If you meant that, then she’s in you too. Because that's who you are. To me and everyone else.”

He could tell that he had Alex’s rapt attention from how he was looking at him, so John kept going. “You’re gonna be a great man someday, Alex. It doesn’t matter who your dad is or who’s trying to keep you down. You’ll rise so far up above them all that they won’t be able to see you.” 

“You really think so?” 

“Yes.” John said with more conviction than he ever had in his life. “And I wanna be there with you. You can’t scare me off that easy. Good parts, bad parts, it doesn’t matter. I want all of you.” 

Alex let out a shuddering sigh. “Okay. I—thanks, John. It’s so easy to imagine myself turning out just like him. Bitter and blaming the world for everything it took away from me. But I’m not, I’m gonna be someone someday.”

John nodded. “You’re gonna blow us all away.” 

Alex leaned his head onto John’s shoulder, closed his eyes. John rested his head on top of Alex’s, and they watched the sun set in a warm, comfortable silence.

***

“So, I’m going to that fireworks festival on Saturday with my siblings.” John started off nervously. 

They were walking back to the construction site together. Alex glanced in his direction, a little disappointed. “Oh. I wanted to take you, but it can’t be helped. I’ll just hang with Laf and Herc. Maybe we can meet up later?” 

“No.” At the confused look on Alex’s face, he quickly followed it up with, “No, I mean, I don’t want you to hang with Laf and Herc. I want you to go with me and my family.”

That stopped Alex in his tracks. “What?” 

John looked away from him, at the ground. “I thought it’d be fun if we all went together. But it’s okay if you don’t want to. Really, I won’t be mad. I get it if it’s too much, I’ll—” 

“No, no!” Alex jumped in. “I just wasn’t expecting that. I’d love to go to the festival with you guys. That sounds great.”

The smile that spread across John’s face was sweet as cotton candy. “Yeah?”

“Of course.” Alex smiled back at him. “I’ll be there.” 

Maybe John felt more comfortable now that he’d met Alex’s dad, maybe he wanted to share more of himself after how vulnerable Alex had been. Or maybe he felt sorry for Alex and wanted to show him what it was like to have a real family. Whatever the reason was, Alex knew this was a big deal. John was trusting him, and Alex wasn’t going to let him down. 

He felt like he already knew John’s brothers and sisters intimately, after hearing so many stories about them: cute, little Mary, rough and tumble Henry Jr., popular playboy James, and Martha. The one that really had Alex sweating. 

He knew that John was the closest with Martha, the two of them only two years apart. They were best friends and told each other everything. Martha was protective over their family and John especially, because she knew how much John bore the weight of their father’s expectations. According to John, she was blunt and could be a little chilly to people at first. But once she got used to you, she was funny and sharp and fiercely loyal. John didn’t say it out loud, but it was obvious that it was really, really important to him that she approved of him. 

Alex couldn’t screw this up.

By the time Saturday rolled around and he arrived at the waterfront, he was full of nerves. What if things went wrong? What if they hated him, and John broke up with him? His mind went spinning with the possibilities as he looked around for John and his family. A part of him was tempted to run away, make up an excuse to John for why he couldn’t come. But then he found them, and his eyes caught on John. 

They were all sitting on a huge blanket set out on the ground, a picnic basket off to the side. John was playing a hand game with his baby sister and the rest of his siblings were watching. When the little girl won they all clapped for her and she smiled one of those adorable little kid smiles, dimples and all. She jumped into John’s arms and he smiled back at her, then surprised her by tickling her sides. Alex could hear her laugh from all the way from where he was. The whole scene froze Alex because of how beautiful John looked when he was happy, and he was truly happy being with his family. It made Alex feel pleased and queasy in turns, because it’d been a long time since he knew what that felt like. 

He noticed that John kept scanning the area, looking for something. When he finally turned his head in Alex’s direction, their eyes met. John lit up at once, and put his baby sister on Martha’s lap before running over to where Alex was. He’d been expecting John to play it cool, tone down the affection. But the first thing John did was wrap him up in a hug, just to pull back and give a long kiss.

“I’ve been looking all around for you,” John said. “Where have you been?” 

“Sorry, I just got…lost in my own thoughts.” he responded, still dazed. 

John stared at him, then reached down to interlock their fingers. “Don’t be nervous. All we’re doing is hanging out, eating sandwiches, and watching fireworks. Nothing crazy.” 

Alex took a deep breath, just to calm himself. “Right. It’ll be fine.” 

John flashed him a quick smile, and they made their way back over. 

The Laurens watched the whole scene between their brother and Alex with matching curious, confused expressions except for Martha. 

“Who’s that?” Mary whispered loudly in Martha’s ear, pointing at Alex. 

She shrugged, eyes trained on the two of them in the distance. “John’s boyfriend, apparently.”

“He looks different. Like…” Junior’s face scrunched up, wracking his tiny nine year old brain for the right word. “Scruffy?”

“That’s ‘cuz he’s poor.” James said. 

Martha turned on a dime and smacked him upside the head. 

“Ow, Martie!” James held the back of his head and hunched over in pain. “What’d I do? That’s what everyone’s been saying!”

“Don’t let me catch you saying it, got that?” Martha gave him nasty look. “Where does a snot-nosed kid like you get off talking like you’re better than anyone?” 

James glared at her with furious eyes, but the look on Martha’s face made him keep his mouth shut. Martha knew how to kill the words in your throat before you even said them. 

“That goes for all of you.” she continued. “Don’t let me hear you making any dumb comments, alright?” 

“Okay.” they chorused. 

There wasn’t time to discuss it any further because John and Alex were approaching them, holding hands with matching grins fixed on their faces. Martha’s gaze intensified. She was  _ very  _ interested in getting to know this guy who had her brother wrapped around his finger. 

“Guys, there’s someone I want you to meet.” He gestured to Alex, who waved a hand at them. “This is Alex Hamilton. My boyfriend.” 

It made Alex feel all fuzzy inside the way John said it so frankly.  _ Boyfriend,  _ he thought.  _ I’m John’s boyfriend.  _

Alex put on his best smile and said, “Nice to meet you all. I’ve heard so much about you.”

It was funny looking at John’s brothers and sisters, seeing all the little pieces of John in each of them. James had a shock of dark curls, just like John, while Mary had freckles dotted all over her face. Junior and Martha both had hazel eyes, though Martha’s were darker than John’s. They all looked up at Alex with the same blank, emotionless expression. 

“Cool.” James was the first to speak up. He turned to his little brother and said, “Hen, I bet I can climb that tree higher than you.” 

Junior sprang up. “No you can’t!” 

They ran off for the trees without sparing Alex a second glance. 

“Hey!” John shouted after them. “James! Henry!” 

The boys didn’t slow down in the slightest. John turned back to Alex, huffing, “Sorry about that. Jem is at that age where he treats being an asshole like it’s his day job, and Junior is at that age where he copies everything Jem does.” 

Alex shrugged. “That’s okay. There’s still someone here I’m dying to meet.” 

He knelt so he was eye level with Mary, and gave her a dazzling smile. “Who’s this  _ princesa,  _ huh? What’s your name?” 

Mary stared at him with a wonderstruck expression, then hid her face in Martha’s neck. 

Martha nudged her. “Go on, tell him your name.” 

She peeked out her face a little and whispered, “Mary.” 

“A pretty name for a pretty girl.” Alex stuck his hand out. “Nice to meet you, Mary.” 

Mary stared at his hand, before gripping it tightly and giving him a firm handshake, two pumps. “Nice to meet you, Alex.” 

She was so cute, it made Alex want to laugh. As he shook her hand, his eyes met Martha’s over Mary’s head. He almost flinched at the intense, sharpened expression on her face as she looked at him. But Alex wasn’t one to back down from a challenge, so he met her gaze head on.

“I’ve been looking forward to meeting you too, Martha.” he said. “John talks about you all the time.” 

“Likewise.” She gave him a thin-lipped smile. “Jack never stops talking about you.” 

“Can I go play with Jemmy and Henry?” Mary’s voice broke up the thick tension that was starting to settle over the group. 

“Sure, but promise you’ll be careful.” John told her. “Don’t climb up too high.”

Mary held a hand to her heart. “I promise.” 

She ran off to join her brothers, and John sat down in the middle between the two of them, completing this triangle of intense silence. Martha stared at Alex, Alex stared back, and John’s eyes ping ponged between the two of them. After a couple of minutes of this, John couldn’t take it anymore.

He turned to his sister and said, “Martha, stop it.”

“What? I’m not doing anything.” Martha responded with an infuriatingly blank look on her face. 

“Yeah, exactly. Stop it.”

The two of them exchanged a look, having some sort of silent conversation that only they could understand. Finally, she sighed and turned back to Alex. 

“So, Alex, I heard you’re working at the construction site with Gilbert’s boyfriend for the summer. What school do you go to?” she asked. “Somewhere around here or out of state?” 

“I don’t work at the site for the summer, I work there full time.” Alex corrected her. “I’m not in school right now.”

“Oh.” It was obvious this wasn’t new information to her. “So you plan on doing that long term. Is that what you’re into? Construction?”

“Hey.” John cut in, glaring at her. 

“No, no, it’s okay. It’s a good question.” Alex waved him off. “I’m not into the manual labor part, really, but the business side of it is interesting. Handling the accounting, I get hands on experience running the company and keeping my finance skills sharp. Once I save enough money, I’d love to take some classes at the city college. It’s just not in the cards right now.”

Alex gave her another winning smile. “If you’re asking what I am into, I have been thinking about submitting some articles to our newspaper here,  _ The Bay Weekly.  _ Writing is a passion of mine. I really believe that one word has the power to inspire a revolution.” 

Martha blinked at him, taken aback by the avalanche of words that came out of Alex’s mouth. She replied archly, “They have a paper here?” 

“It’s not  _ The New York Times,  _ but it gets the job done.” Alex quipped back. 

“That sounds amazing, Alex.” John jumped back into the conversation. “There’s no way they won’t publish your work. I mean, shit, you build palaces out of paragraphs. Everyone should listen to what you have to say.” 

The grin on Alex’s face turned much softer once it was directed towards John. “Thanks.  _ Someone  _ needs to talk about the fact that more big corporations are coming and pushing out our local businesses, despite the fact that some of these places have been here for decades. Or about the rampant pollution that’s going on in our waters and killing the fish before we can even catch them. Or—” 

“You talk a lot.” Martha said casually. 

“Us townies aren’t all apes, shockingly.” Alex snapped back. “Some of us can be articulate when we want to.” 

Two bright spots of color appeared on her face. “That’s not what I was saying at all.” 

This time, John jumped to her defense. “She didn’t mean it like that, Alex. None of us think like that.” 

Alex looked at the two of them and deflated as fast as he got worked up. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken like that.” 

To his surprise, Martha actually looked apologetic. “That wasn’t what I was trying to say. What I meant was, well, what do you like about Jack? It doesn’t seem like you two have anything in common.” 

“Wow, thanks a lot, Martha.” John laughed. 

“Am I lying?” she shot back. “You’d faint if you had to stand up and give a speech to one person, meanwhile Alex talks like he could give a national address any day.” 

“I wouldn’t faint.”

“Would too.” 

“Would not.” 

“Would too!”

Alex chuckled at their bickering. They both whipped around to look at him, and the matching looks of outrage almost made Alex laugh again. They were the mirror image of each other, with the same wrinkle between their eyebrows. 

“Stop laughing, you’re supposed to be defending me.” John complained.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Alex reached over and slipped his hand into John’s. “To be fair, you’re not wrong, there’s not a lot we have in common. But that’s what makes being with John so great. Every time we’re together, I end up seeing the world way differently than I did before. Everything I thought I knew, John rewrites over all of it. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

They were an echo of what John said to Alex’s father, and Alex was surprised by how well the words just fit. John  _ was  _ the best thing that ever happened to him. He turned a switch on in Alex that Alex didn’t even know he had. 

John blushed deeply, a tingling feeling that spread from his head to his toes. He shoved Alex to try and cover up some of his embarrassment. “What are you talking about? I’m not…I’m not—” 

“You are.” Alex stopped him. 

They stared into each other’s eyes. Like usual when he was with John, the rest of the world seemed to fade away except for the two of them, drawn together by something that felt much bigger than themselves. 

Martha cleared her throat. “Hello? Tell me now if you need some privacy. I  _ really  _ don’t want to know how good of a kisser my brother is.” 

That snapped them out of it. John groaned, “Can you stop being you for five seconds?” 

“Unfortunately, no.” 

“Jackie, look at me!” Mary called out. 

They all looked over to see Mary hanging upside down on a tree branch, waving her hands back and forth. Martha gasped and John looked like he was about to have a heart attack. He sprang up at once. 

“Mary, don’t do that! That’s dangerous!” John shouted. “Jem, you’re supposed to be watching her!”

“Relax, she’s fine!” James called back. “You’re doing okay, right, Mary?” 

“I feel great!” she said, still swinging back and forth.

John pinched the bridge of his nose. “I better go over there before someone cracks their head open.” 

He hesitated before he walked over, glancing between the two of them. 

Martha rolled her eyes. “We’ll be fine, Jack. I promise I won’t bite.” 

“Okay, okay, I’m going.” He threw them one last look before running over to his other siblings. 

The two of them fell back into silence. Gone was the playful, relaxed Martha, back was the girl with the iron exterior. He searched his brain for something to say, just for Martha to beat him to the punch and speak up first. 

“I think I’ve got you all figured out now.” she said, giving him a onceover. “You're a smooth guy. You know you’re handsome, and you definitely know how to talk. All you have to do is say some pretty words, bat your eyelashes, and you’ve got people eating out of the palm of your hand. Do I have it right?”

“Don’t forget my pearly white smile.” Alex replied, keeping his tone light. 

Martha ignored him as if he didn’t speak. “That kind of stuff doesn’t work on me. It doesn’t work on Jack either, or at least, it didn’t. I don’t know what you did to him, but one night with you and he’s like some schoolgirl doodling ‘Mrs. John Hamilton’ in his diary.”

Alex laughed, but Martha remained stone-faced. So he sobered up and said, “Is there something you wanna ask me?”

“What do you want from my brother?” Martha said, straight up. “Because if this is just some way for you to kill time before the summer ends, it’d be better if you just end it now. Jack doesn’t deserve to be anyone’s plaything, and I’m not going to stand by and watch it happen.”

“What do I want from him?” he repeated the question softly, almost to himself, as if he didn’t understand the words. 

“Yes. And don’t joke with me, I’m dead serious.” Martha glared at him. “Tell me the truth.”

Alex didn’t even need to think about it for one second. “I want him to let me stand by his side. I want him to trust me when I tell him that he’ll never be alone again, because he has me.” 

Martha’s head snapped up at once. “What are you talking about? Jack isn’t alone. He has us.”

“Yeah, he does.” Alex agreed. “He loves you guys more than anything. You don’t know how jealous I am of you. I’ve never had anything like that in my life, I’m not even sure I really understand it. He loves you guys so much, there’s nothing he wouldn’t try to protect you from. Even your dad.” 

Martha stiffened. 

Alex looked back at her calmly. “You know what I’m talking about. He takes on all the shit from your dad so that you and your brothers and sister don’t have to. He doesn’t complain and he doesn’t let anyone see him sweat, he just keeps a smile on his face so that none of you guys worry about him. Do I have that right?”

She didn’t respond, and that was answer enough. 

“You don’t think that’s lonely? Stuffing down your feelings so deep that no one else can find them?” Alex said. “He’s always doing what’s best for everyone else. It doesn’t matter what I say, he cares about himself last. John’s so used to hiding what he really wants that it takes  _ me  _ some effort to figure it out. But I’ll get better at it. Soon, I’ll become someone John can break in front of, because he’ll know I’m here for him, first and last.”

“That’s a lot to get done by the end of the summer.” Martha said harshly. “Don’t get cocky, this is all just—”

“It’s not just for the summer.” 

“Oh, really? How long then?” 

Alex shrugged. “As long as he’ll have me. If that’s forever, then forever.”

Martha stared at him like he had grown a third head, but Alex wasn’t looking back at her. She trailed his gaze over to the tree where her brothers and sister were playing. Somehow the positions had switched and now John was hanging upside down from one of the branches, much to his siblings’ delight. John swung back and forth with his arms hanging down, and the tenderness on Alex’s face as he looked at him was so genuine that Martha found it hard to look at him. 

“I’m serious about him, Martha. I swear on my mother’s grave.” Alex said. 

John glanced over at them and caught Alex looking at him. The same look on Alex’s face appeared on his, and he gave Alex a tiny, upside down wave. Alex smiled broadly and waved back. All Martha could do was look at the two of them, shaken. 

“You’re crazy.” she said, and said nothing else.

***

The rest of the evening went great, better than expected. They ate dinner, sandwiches that the cook packed for them in the picnic basket, and bickered over whether or not mayonnaise was gross, exchanged one person’s tomatoes for another’s lettuce, chugged down whole bottles of soda to have a burping contest (Alex won, of course, to the awe of Junior and James and the disgust of Martha). When it was time for the fireworks, Alex let Mary sit up on his shoulders so she could see them better while holding hands with John. They cheered as a family as the first beam of light shot into the sky and exploded into pieces with a loud  _ boom.  _ Mary was the most excited, her little body kept wriggling with excitement and she clapped with each firework that burst in the air. But even James has his attention fixed on the sky with a bright pleasure in his eyes, and Martha had an easy smile on her face. He looked over at John to see his expression, only to discover that John wasn’t looking at the sky at all. He was looking at Alex. 

It made Alex’s breath catch in his throat. John didn’t look away once Alex caught him, he just smiled wider and brought their joined hands to his lips. When John kissed the back of palm, butterflies exploded in his stomach alongside the fireworks that burst in the air. He couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the show. 

They made for the exits with the rest of the festival crowd once the display was over. Alex was expecting them to part ways there, just for John to tug him back and away from the rest of the group. 

“You guys go on home without me,” he told his siblings as they looked back at them with confusion. “I’m gonna hang with Alex now.”

To Martha he said, “If Dad’s home, tell him—” 

“I know.” Martha interrupted. “Let me talk to you for a second first.” 

James rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. “Can we go home? Or do we have to wait for you to finish gossiping with Jack?” 

Martha fixed him with a glare that could melt ice. “Go on ahead. But go straight home, no stopping anywhere for candy or going to meet up with your friends. Home.”

“Yes, Mom.” James mocked, and walked off with Junior and Mary before Martha could throttle him. 

Alex waited with his hands in his pockets as Martha and John talked. He tried to scan their expressions to get an idea of what they were talking about, but Martha’s face stayed impassive as ever and John didn’t seem upset by anything she was saying. When he walked back to Alex, he was all smiles. 

They went to the boardwalk and leaned against the railing, watching the waves from the bay crash across the shore. 

“That went well,” John said. “Everyone had a good time, no big blowups. And I think Mary has a crush on you.” 

“Really.” Alex whistled low. “You might be in trouble, John. She’s way cuter than you.” 

John shoved him for that comment and they laughed together. They stared off into the distance in comfortable silence for a moment, until Alex couldn’t take it anymore. 

“What about Martha?” he tried and failed to ask casually. “Does she like me?” 

John scrunched his eyebrows. “What, you wanna ask her out on a date?” 

Alex could’ve kicked him. “You know what I mean!” 

“I mean, yeah, she liked you.” John shrugged. “When we were talking she was telling me not to stay out too late and that she’d see me at home.”

Alex waited for the rest of the sentence, which never came. “And?” 

“And?” 

Alex groaned. “John, you’re not giving me a lot of confidence right now.”

“If she hated you, she would’ve said ‘I hate him, you should break up’. John clarified. “But she didn’t, so I think you’re in the clear." 

Somehow, that didn’t give Alex too much comfort. “Yeah, right.” 

“I’m telling you, she liked you. And even if she doesn’t now, she will.” A shy expression came to John's face. “Because I like you.” 

The words made Alex feel warm all over, and he allowed himself to relax a little. It was silly, they’d expressed their feelings for each other so many times, but his heart would soar every time he heard John say those three little words.

Alex nudged him. “You like me?” 

John nudged him back, laughing, “Just a little.” 

Alex let their shoulders press together. “Well, I like you a lot.”

Their relationship wasn’t ideal, and the future wasn’t promised, but for the first time in a long, long time, Alex didn’t rely on the odds. He just wanted to put his faith in John and go wherever that took them. Anywhere was fine, as he had John in the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, the ages of John's siblings are Martha (15), James (12), Henry Jr. (9), Mary (6). I couldn't find a non-awkward way to introduce that introduce that info into the story. 
> 
> For some reason I have a harder time writing this story than my other ones. It's like I can see the scenes so clearly in my head, but once I want to write them down it just pales in comparison. I wish I could just pull the images from my head and just have them magically transcribed into words. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this! Please leave comments or kudos if you like this fic, I really appreciate every single one of them. See you next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

“An absolute waste of time. If I had tomatoes, I would’ve thrown them at the screen.” Martha said, exiting the brightly lit up movie theater. “I’ve never watched one musical I actually liked.” 

“You liked  _ The Wizard of Oz.”  _ John pointed out as swallowed down the rest of his popcorn. 

“I liked pretty colors and shiny red shoes.” Martha crossed her arms. “That doesn’t count.” 

Alex stared at her, mouth agape. “How can you hate musicals? They’re amazing! They do for movies what jazz did for music!”

Martha arched an eyebrow. “And what is that, exactly?” 

“Make them watchable. Actually make you feel something other than bored out of your mind watching the same movie over and over again.”

“I strongly disagree.” Martha replied. Alex’s eyes glinted and they were off to the races. 

Ever since the fireworks show, Alex found himself spending a lot more time with the Laurens clan. It wasn’t like he was going over for family dinner every night, but John had gotten more comfortable with letting Alex interact with his siblings. He’d gone to the park with John and Mary, played games of pick up soccer with Junior. James was the coldest to him, rarely ever acknowledging him, but Alex was working on it. He managed to thaw the wall a little by getting the Schuylers to say hi to James when they passed by him and his group of friends, making him the immediate envy of all the boys. 

It was his relationship with Martha that was the biggest question mark. He still wasn’t sure if Martha liked him, but he also wasn’t sure that she disliked him either. He was confident enough to say that she tolerated him, if only for John’s sake. They’d become kind of a trio, the three of them, and Alex had never felt more at home than he did hanging out with them. Even if he and Martha argued more than they talked and John went back and forth taking one side over the other, he never felt more solid about his place in the world than he did with the two of them. 

“—the combination of dance, music, and acting takes the audience to another reality, one a hell of a lot better than what we’re living in now.” Alex finished up his argument.

“But it’s all obviously fake.” Martha said staunchly. “No one in real life has a bad day and busts out into song with perfectly choreographed steps to go with it.” 

Alex groaned. “That’s not the point! John, back me up.” 

When he turned to look at John, he saw that John was staring at the both of them with a look of undisguised fondness on his face. He’d been observing their conversation like that silently for some time now. 

“Why is he looking at us like that?” Alex loudly whispered to Martha. 

“I don’t know. It might be indigestion.” Martha whispered back. “Maybe a stroke?” 

“Or he’s gotta drop a big one.” 

John sighed loudly. “I was just thinking about how happy I am watching two of my favorite people in the world get along with each other, alright? Is that okay with you guys?” 

Martha scrunched her nose. “God, Jack, don’t make it weird.” 

Alex clasped his shoulder. “Stop being gross and help me convince your sister that she’s wrong about musicals. This is gonna haunt my sleep.” 

“I change my mind, I hate both of you.” John said, shaking his head. 

As soon as they got back to Alex’s car, Alex said, “Anyone wanna go for a ride?” 

They sped through the empty streets of Kip’s Bay with the windows rolled down. John had practically his whole body leaned out the window, and both of them had let their hair down. Alex cut hard on every turn, which made John and Martha shout with exhilaration. Eventually they were all screaming, banging on the roof of the car, just living in the moment. 

John and Martha were having so much fun, they kept laughing even after Alex had dropped them off. They stumbled up the steps of their estate, holding onto each other for balance as they glanced at each other and burst into laughter all over again. 

“Entertaining night?” 

The two just about jumped five feet in the air. They turned and saw their father sitting on the porch swing, glass of bourbon in his hand. He had a pensive look on his face, so still that John had to blink hard just to make sure he wasn’t imagining him. 

“Daddy, you scared us!” Martha chided. She was always much more relaxed around Henry than John could ever be. 

Henry didn’t respond directly to her. Instead, his gaze went right to John. “You both look a mess. And you’re back very late. What have you been doing all this time?” 

John instinctively pulled back up his hair as was proper. “We saw a movie and went for a drive with some friends.” 

“And while you were doing that, who was watching the boys and Mary?” Henry’s glare was piercing, even in the dark. 

“It’s not like they were alone. The housekeepers were—”

“The housekeepers aren’t family.” Henry narrowed his eyes. “It’s your responsibility to look after your siblings.” 

John bristled. Instead of curling up like he usually did under his father’s heavy judgment, he stared right back at him. They glared at each other, neither willing to back down. 

Martha cut in. “Daddy, don’t be mad. Jack kept telling me we had to go, but I was having so much fun that I wouldn’t let him leave. It’s so easy to lose track of time out here, I didn’t know how late it was getting.” 

Henry softened at her playful tone. “I’m not mad. Believe it or not, I used to be a teenager myself. I know all about summer fun and all that. I’m just reminding you not to forget yourself while you’re indulging in everything this town has to offer. After all, summer doesn’t last forever.” 

Those last statements felt particularly targeted towards John, and it took everything in him not to say something pointed back. Like that if it was anyone’s responsibility to look out for his siblings, it was Henry's. It wasn’t his job to be a father to the kids, but somehow Henry passed that off to John while he boozed up every socialite in the area. 

“Yes, sir.” John forced out. The inside of his palm stung from how tightly his nails were pressing into his skin. “Well, we should be heading to bed.” 

The pair made for the door, just to be stopped by Henry saying, “Speaking of friends, you’ve been spending a lot of time with that one lately, haven’t you?” 

John’s whole body froze up. “Which one?” 

Henry swirled the drink in his cup. “The young man who dropped you off.” 

John had been under the impression that Henry had no idea of Alex’s existence, so to say that this was a shock would be the understatement of the century. Henry was hardly ever around in the first place, and when he was John made sure that Alex was far, far away. But now that Henry was asking, John couldn’t lie. He wouldn’t. 

“Yes, I guess we have been.” John answered. 

Henry fixed him with another long look. John had to hold his hands behind his back to hide the way they had begun to shake, just a little. He held his breath waiting to see what his father was gonna say next. 

To John’s astonishment, Henry said, “Bring him to the luncheon on Sunday. I wanna meet the boy that’s inspired such reactions out of my children.”

John’s mouth opened and closed. At last, he said, “Yes, sir.”

Henry gave them both a decisive head nod, a clear sign that they were dismissed. 

“This is a good thing, right?” John said later, the two of them laying down on his bed. Martha went right over to his room after changing into her night clothes. “He wants to get to know Alex. That’s good.” 

Martha looked skeptical, but tried to encourage him. “Yes, it’s definitely not the worst thing he could’ve said. He could've forbidden you from seeing him.” 

John sprang up at the mere suggestion. “He wouldn’t say something like that. No, no way. Why should he care who I go out with? It’s none of his business, he’s barely around as is.” 

“Jack,” she said softly. They both knew that wasn’t true, that Henry would make it his business if he wanted to. 

John shook his head and didn’t respond to her. They laid there for a moment in tense silence, until John spoke up again. 

“I wouldn’t listen even if he told me not to see him anymore.” John’s chin jutted out, a sign of defiance. 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really.” John turned on his back, looking up at the ceiling. Martha remained on her side looking at him. “Alex actually gives a shit about me. I’m not about to give him up for someone who only cares about me every other day.” 

“Jack, don’t say that.” she said, voice hushed. “You don’t mean that.” 

John turned away from her. “I wish I didn’t.”

Staring at his back, it hit Martha for the first time how different John was from the brother she left South Carolina with. He held his head higher, his shoulders squared. What scared her was that she didn’t know how much of this was Alex talking, and how much of this had been John all along, no longer hiding himself for her sake. She thought they shared everything with each other, but now she wasn’t so sure. In that moment, he felt like more of a stranger to her than he had ever been all their lives. 

***

Alex took a couple of deep breaths as he stood outside the door to John’s place. He couldn’t stop scratching his neck as his skin chafed against the starchy, pressed fabric of his dress shirt, courtesy of Lafayette. 

Lafayette planned his whole outfit, gave him some cream to put in his hair so there wasn’t a strand out of place, then imparted some critical advice. 

“Keep your mouth shut.” Lafayette said, blunt. “Every time you think about saying something, reconsider.”

Alex glared at him. “I’m not as stupid. I know when not to run my mouth.” 

Hercules, watching the whole interaction from the bed, said, “Yeah, right. I bet five dollars that this lunch ends in you throwing a cocktail all over someone’s fancy suit.” 

Somehow, that rousing encouragement from his friends didn’t inspire the most confidence in him. But no matter what they thought, Alex promised himself that he wasn’t going to fly off the handle. The stakes were too high. Making a good impression on Henry was paramount to his and John’s future, so he wasn’t about to let his temper ruin things for him. He hoped not, at least. 

Alex knocked on the door, and a stout woman in a maid’s uniform greeted him. “Yes?”

“Alexander Hamilton.” At her blank face, he added, “I’m here for the luncheon?” 

Before she could respond, John appeared in the doorway. “It’s okay, Patty. He’s my guest.” 

John pulled him inside and swiftly took him through the house. “You came right on time. We’re about to sit down.” 

Alex’s heartbeat picked up. It was showtime, and he’d be lying if he said there weren’t some nerves bubbling up inside of him. 

He allowed himself to be anchored by John’s whispering in his ear, “You look nice. Is that a new shirt?” 

“Yeah, I borrowed it from Laf.” Alex whispered. “Thought I’d dress the part today.” 

“Well, hopefully we can sneak away after and I can show you just how much I like it.” John replied just as they reached the backyard doors, the outdoor party coming into view. 

Alex held onto those words tightly, hoping that they’d be enough to keep him sane. 

The mood was completely different from the fireworks festival. Gone were the light summer outfits and the breezy attitudes that came with them. The five siblings were dressed in their Sunday best, stiff suits and pleated dresses. Their hands were clasped, their elbows off the table. They only spoke when spoken to. Even Mary, with all her energy and excitement, was starkly subdued sitting there amongst her father and his colleagues. 

John’s behavior was much different as well. He didn’t touch Alex at all, barely looked at him. When it came time to introduce him to the table, he called Alex his “friend”. It stung like a bitch, but Alex understood. There was no point making a scene in front all these stuck up elites when it wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t the right time yet. 

The lunch went on in a predictable fashion. The adults talked about the boring, insufferable topics wealthy people discussed frequently. Who was seen with who at which country club, what companies were going down and starting up, who was voting for who. The conversation, inevitably, turned to the war. 

“It’s only a matter of time before America enters the war themselves, don’t you think?” A woman in a lavishly floral dress said. 

“Why should they? It’s a European problem, so Europe should take care of it.” A heavy man responded as he dabbed the sweat from his forehead. “Why must it be America’s responsibility to clean up everyone else’s mess?” 

“You must admit, though, from an economic standpoint this war has been simply amazing for us.” Another man jumped in. “Business is booming. The country is back to work again.” 

_ Business is booming,  _ Alex repeated to himself.  _ On the backs of thousands upon thousands of bodies.  _ But he kept his mouth shut.

“I’m glad I bought some stock in ammunition production when I did.” Henry joked. “I can fully attest that war is good, war is great!” 

The adults burst into laughter. The sound of it clawed at Alex’s ears, made him tighten his grip around his fork. 

“But still, if America does enter into the war, I feel sorry for our soldiers.” Another woman spoke up, fanning her delicate face. “How many men will we lose embroiling ourselves in this conflict and for who knows how long? It’s not fair.” 

“These men should take pride in defending their country.” The man next to her, most likely her husband, replied. “It is an honor to serve for the military, the pinnacle of American excellence. Anyone who calls themselves an American should jump at the opportunity to prove their love.” 

It was easy for all of them to lecture about the war, their sons wouldn’t be fighting in it. He was certain that if any of their children got drafted, they’d break their backs bribing whoever they could to get them out of it. 

But Alex didn’t get too caught up in their tasteless discussions. He was distracted by the game he and John were playing under the table, where they both tried to see how much touching they could get away without anyone noticing. John started it, slipping his foot from his shoe and tracing Alex’s bare ankle. Alex nearly banged his knee into the table at the sensation. Alex responded by trailing his foot all the way up John’s pant leg. John huffed, and with a sip of his water pressed the side of leg to Alex’s, a flash of heat that raced up Alex’s body. 

Alex decided to go one step further. Calmly and slowly he reached over to solidly grasp John’s knee in his hand. John coughed up the water he was drinking as Alex fondled what was turning out to be a very sensitive part for him. Martha looked over at the two of them, especially at Alex’s innocent expression as he munched on his roasted vegetables, and mouthed at them to quit it. 

“I must say, I like that now everyone has a duty, a way they can serve America and themselves.” The conversation continued on. “The dreariness of the Depression seems miles away now. It was a sad time watching so many people adrift in the world, left with no job and no purpose.” 

Henry took on a much harsher tone. “That was a state of their own making, the Depression has barely anything to do with it. I’m very tired of people with an inability to put in hard work blaming the government for their problems. It was a hard period for all of us. Even I struggled for a bit, the stock market crash spared no one. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and made do, a quality I believe the younger generations are sorely lacking in.” 

The guests hummed in agreement. 

“If anything, the worst part of the Depression was how it allowed people to revel in their laziness and whine instead of compromising their pride. There are always jobs available if one is desperate enough  _ and  _ a hard enough worker. Alexander here is a great example.” 

Alex froze where his hand was trailing up John’s thigh, about to squeeze. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve managed to keep a job all this time.” Everyone’s heads swiveled in Alex’s direction. “Where do you work again? A lumber yard?” 

“Dad.” John’s voice was low, an undercurrent of warning in it. 

“What? I can’t ask your friend about his job?” Henry said. “Surely he’s not ashamed of it?” 

“It’s okay.” Alex whispered to John. To Henry he said, “I work on a construction site. I’m helping build the new developments the town has planned over the next couple of years.” 

“What exactly is it that they have you do?” Henry leaned forward like he was actually interested in the answer, and the rest of the company tuned in with him. 

“A lot of it is hard labor.” Alex explained. “I go on supply runs, lay out the foundation, and put up the preliminary structures. And I also help out with the accounting from time to time.” 

“How much do you make doing that?” The woman with the fan asked. 

One of the men chuckled. “I thought it was improper to talk about money at the table.” 

“I’m just curious.” The woman flushed. “He doesn’t have to answer if he doesn’t want to.” 

Alex shrugged. “I got a raise, so now I make 70 cents an hour.” 

It was as if the air stilled. Someone’s spoon clattered against the bowl, and the sound of it echoed loud in the air. Every person was staring at Alex as if he was an animal in a zoo, an exhibit to be gawked at. It frayed every one of his nerves, he was this close to running from the table. 

Henry broke the silence. “See? It’s a matter of work ethic. Alexander works as hard as he can despite how little he makes and he doesn’t whine about it. I find that admirable.” 

“‘Working hard’ wouldn’t mean much of anything at all if I didn’t have a job to work at.” Alex was this close to snapping. “I was fortunate enough that the projects had already been funded, otherwise I’d be in the same boat as the people you call lazy.” 

Henry raised his eyebrows. “Oh?” 

“What little I make has taught me to treasure every little thing I’ve got. I don’t indulge in any more than what I need and what my family needs.” Alex stared right at Henry. “But that doesn’t mean I’m satisfied with where I’m at either. There are a million things I haven’t done, but I’ll get there. Just you wait.” 

Henry regarded him with a cool look, then lifted his cup. “Well, let’s raise a glass then. To Alexander and his future endeavors.” 

There was a mocking twist to his mouth, and the guests raised their glasses half-heartedly, unsure if Henry was joking or not. John was bouncing his knee up and down with nerves so hard that Alex had to put a hand across it to calm him. He gave John a slight smile that told him,  _ I’m okay, it’s okay,  _ and John gave him a hesitant smile back. He brushed his hand against Alex’s under the table, sweeping his finger across his knuckles in a gesture that responded,  _ I’m sorry, I’m here.  _

Henry observed the whole interaction from his end of the table. And so he said, “I’m glad Jack has found a friend in you. I’ve been encouraging him for a long time to make all sorts of acquaintances from different backgrounds. I think it’s important to view the world from perspectives different from your own.”

“I agree.” Alex said, cautious. There was a trap somewhere, he could feel it. 

“I hope you’ll keep in touch with him even after he goes off to college.” 

“That’ll be no problem. It’s hard to get out to the city from here, but I can make it work. All things considered, Columbia is only a hop and skip away.” Alex smiled at John, because John always laughed when he said that. But this time John wasn’t smiling. He wouldn’t look at Alex at all. 

“Dad—” he blustered out, but it was too late.

“What? But Jack’s not going to Columbia.” Henry’s brow furrowed with feigned confusion. “Hasn’t he told you the good news? He got into Clemson.” 

“Clemson?” Alex repeated, mostly to himself. That didn’t sound like a New York school. 

As if to twist the knife deeper, Henry confirmed, “That’s in South Carolina. The finest institution South Carolina has to offer, if I have anything to say about it.” 

“You mispronounced USC!” One of the men said. 

“No, I didn’t!” Henry chortled. “We all know that Clemson has the best…” 

Henry’s voice faded out, replaced looping words playing in Alex’s head,  _ That’s in South Carolina, That’s in South Carolina… _ John wasn’t going to Columbia, or any other New York school. And it would’ve been an effort to get up to the city regularly, but Alex would’ve made it work. He had a plan. But John wasn’t staying here, he was going back to South Carolina. South Carolina, an ocean away to him. 

John tugged on his sleeve, whispering frantically, “I was going to tell you. I was going to, I was just waiting for the right…”

But Alex wasn’t listening. The only thing that ran through his mind was  _ Clemson, South Carolina, an ocean away.  _

As soon as lunch was over, Alex launched himself out of his seat. He said his proper goodbyes and beelined it for the door. As soon it made it inside and knew he was out of sight, he barreled his way towards the front door. Alex wanted to get out of there so bad he nearly broke into a dead sprint. 

He didn’t have to look back to know that John was chasing after him. He could hear his footsteps, feel his presence. But for the first time since they met, Alex wanted space from him. He couldn’t handle looking at him and pretending that everything was okay. 

Alex made it to the front lawn before John caught up to him and grabbed his wrist. Alex didn’t turn around to face him, but he also didn’t shake his hand off. He just stood there and let himself be caught. 

“Alex, wait.” John held onto him tightly. “Didn’t you hear me calling you? I—I have to talk to you.” 

He stared at the ground. “Go ahead.” 

The bile rose in John’s throat. Alex had never been so short with him before. “I know, that was horrible. Dad and his friends are the worst. They were rude and condescending and ignorant and—” 

“Yeah, they were all those things and more. But who cares? I'd be more surprised if they weren’t like that.” Alex turned to him, unable to hide the hurt on his face. “Clemson?” 

John swallowed, nodded like he knew this was coming. “I was going to tell you. It—this all just happened. I got the acceptance letter a couple days ago and I—” 

“I didn’t even know you applied.” Alex cut him off. “You never mentioned it.” 

It wasn’t like they talked about college often, or much about anything that would happen once summer ended, but the few times they did John made it clear that he wanted to stay in New York. He talked like it was already a done deal that he’d go to Columbia and settle down here. With Alex. 

“I applied to a lot of colleges,” John explained. “And I was fully prepared to go to Columbia and everything, but then I was talking with my dad—” 

“Of course. Why am I surprised?” Alex laughed, a dry little sound. “Is he gonna take your classes for you too?” 

“I was talking to my dad,” John continued on, more forcefully. “And we both agreed that it’s better for me to stay closer to home. The kids are still young and I can’t leave Martha to take care of them all on her own. Not when Dad is so busy with his practice and Martha has her own college applications to worry about.”

“It’s just for undergrad. I’ll go to Columbia for law school, even Dad agrees with that. He promised he’d set me up with a place of my own and an internship and everything.” John pleaded with him to understand. “But right now, I have to do this. My family needs me, Alex.”

_ What about us?  _ Alex wanted to say, but he couldn’t force the words out. He wondered if, for one second, John thought about what this would mean for them once the summer was over. Did he care at all? Or was it just Alex, taking everything so seriously like an idiot?

“Sounds like you have it all figured out.” All the energy was sucked out of him, he had nothing else to say. 

Alex turned and walked away. John watched his retreating back, his heart racing with panic. The way Alex was walking away felt too final, like a door was shutting between them. He had to say something, stop him before they couldn’t come back from this. Words that had been bubbling inside of him for some time rose to the surface, and he could no longer keep them stuffed down. 

“Come with me.” he breathed. 

Alex sputtered to a stop, then spun back around. “What?” 

“Come with me. To South Carolina.” John ran up to him, grabbed his hands. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you that for weeks. Come home with me.” 

Alex looked at him, shaking his head in confusion. “What am I gonna do in South Carolina?” 

“What are you doing here?” John tossed out carelessly. “There’s construction work down there. Or other jobs if you don’t want to do that, I can help you find something. And I bet you could even come with me to some of my classes. Clemson is so big and there are so many students, I’m sure you’d blend right in with everyone. You deserve to be there, you’re smarter than anyone else.” 

Alex blinked, processing John’s words. It hit him with a dull thud that that was what his life looked like in John’s eyes. Nothing much, nothing important, easy enough to drop like a sack of potatoes. It was so easy for John to tell him to drop everything and follow him wherever he went. Like nothing Alex had done meant shit. 

He opened his mouth and said, “You gonna need to get me fitted for a collar and leash first. Otherwise I’m not sure they’ll let you take me for walks around campus.” 

John dropped his hands like they were hot coals. “What’s wrong with you? Every time I try to have a serious conversation with you all you wanna do is make dumb jokes.” 

“I’m not joking. You’re talking like you’re taking a dog back home with you, not me.” Alex crossed his arms. “This might be a surprise, but I had a life before I met you. My friends are here, my dad is here. I can’t just up and leave because you feel like it.” 

“All you do is talk nonstop about getting off the island.” John retorted. “The minute I give you the chance to do that, you’re mad at me?” 

“The chance?” Alex snorted derisively. “Thanks for the opportunity, coach, but it’s not the same thing. There’s nothing for me in South Carolina. At least here I’m making steady money I can depend on. And what about what my family needs? I can’t just abandon my dad.” 

John scoffed.  _ “You’re  _ worried about abandoning  _ him?  _ He’s gone more often than he’s here! Seems like he doesn’t have a problem doing it.” 

Alex’s voice went ice cold. “I’m not like you, John. Daddy can’t swoop in and save me if I make a mistake. I don’t get to not know what I want to do with my life. One mistake, one wrong move, and it’s  _ over  _ for me. No safety net. So I’m sorry if I need a better plan than going to South Carolina just to be with you. I sure as shit have a bigger idea of my future than being someone’s live-in boyfriend. You can’t expect me to—” 

“All you had to do was say no.” 

The way John sounded, small and broken, was enough to stop Alex in his tracks. 

There were tears welling up at the corners of John’s eyes. “If you don’t see a future with me, all you had to do was say so.” 

It was as if someone had pulled the rug out from underneath him. “What? No, that’s not what I’m…” 

Before he could finish, John had around turned around and stormed off back in the direction of his house. 

“John! Wait, John, that’s not what I meant!” Alex called after him, but it was too late. John had already slammed the door behind him. 

Alex covered his face with his hands, taking a few deep, ragged breaths. “Fuck. Fuck.” 

***

He wasn’t surprised when John didn’t show up at the site the next day. 

That was their worst fight yet. It got too heated and they both said some hurtful things, things that were hard to take back. In Alex’s opinion, a day apart might be good for them. Give them the chance to cool off, take a step back and think about everything. Alex promised himself the next time he saw John, he’d apologize right off the bat. Thinking of John’s tearful expression and knowing he caused it made him feel nauseous. He wanted to make things right, as soon as possible. 

But John didn’t show up the day after that. When he didn’t show up the third day in a row, Alex started panicking. 

“Trouble in paradise?” Benny, one of his coworkers, joked. “Where’s John? It’s weird not seeing him hanging around here all the time.”

Alex decided to ignore him, for his own sake and Benny’s. He kept on going with his work. 

But then Benny took it one step further and said, “Uh oh. Don’t tell me, he finally got sick of you?” 

Alex dropped the board he was holding and rolled up on Benny, shoving him back against the wall. “What the fuck did you just say? Mind your business or I’ll mind it for you.”

Hercules grabbed him before it escalated into a full blown fight. He dragged Alex over to his car and shoved him down onto the back bumper, then handed him a water bottle. “Here. You need to cool off.” 

Alex glared at him, then snatched the water from his hand and took a few sips.

Herc sighed. “What the fuck is up with you these days, man? You’ve been real on edge lately.” 

Alex continued drinking his water and didn’t respond. 

“Benny’s an asshole, but he’s right. John hasn’t been hanging around here the past couple of days.” Herc saw the rigid set of Alex’s shoulders and softened his voice. “What happened? Lunch went that bad?”

“Lunch was fine.” Alex said curtly, then sighed and shook his head. “I mean, it was shitty but it was shitty in all the ways you’d expect it to be. We got into a fight after it was over and...he said some things. I said some things.” 

Alex buried his face in his hands. “And then he got the wrong idea and thought I was saying that I didn’t see a future with him. But that’s not what I said at  _ all.  _ Of course I do! I’m the one thinking about our relationship all the goddamn time! He’s the one fucking off back to South Carolina without even saying a word to me.” 

Herc put a hand on his shoulder to calm him. “Alright, alright. Why don’t you just apologize to him and talk it out?” 

“You don’t think I thought of that?” Alex snapped. “It’s not just that he’s not showing up here, he’s not anywhere. I think he’s avoiding me.” 

Alex had gone around town after work searching for John, but John was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t at any of their favorite spots—not the lake, not the diner, not the cliffs, not the beach, not anywhere. It terrified him how easy it was for John to disappear like that, like the months they spent falling in love and tying roots down in each other could all vanish just like that.

“Fuck, Herc, what if he’s done with me?” He was shaking just saying the words. 

“Bro, what are you talking about? John’s crazy about you. Like, straight up goofy.” Herc reassured him. “He’s not gonna throw everything away after one fight.” 

“Yeah.” Alex wanted to believe him, but the foundation they had built up felt so shaky all of a sudden. 

The foreman called for them, so they had to cut the conversation there. Herc clapped his back and gave him a sympathetic look. “Figure it out, Alex. That’s an order. You and John care about each too much to push each other away over a misunderstanding.” 

He was right, Alex wasn’t going to let one fight ruin the great thing he and John had going. But with each day that passed, Alex found himself at a loss of what to do. He felt like he’d searched every inch of Kip’s Bay to no success. He got so desperate, he went over to Herc’s house and borrowed his phone to call up all of their friends and see if they’d seen John, to no success. He even considered just showing up at John’s house, but it was a boundary Alex wasn’t ready to break yet, especially after that disastrous lunch. 

It wasn’t until now that Alex had realized how deep he had let John into his life. When he walked in the diner alone, the first thing the waitress asked him was where John was. 

“I have his grilled cheese warming on the hot plate,” she’d say. “When he’s gonna get here?” A pit grew in his stomach every time he had to tell her that he wasn’t coming. 

The streets seemed emptier without John, the bright lights of the town duller. The sound of bike tires screeching was enough to send him into a frenzy, whipping every which way around looking for the source of the sound, only to plummet back down to Earth once he saw it wasn’t John. It felt like there was nowhere in Kip’s Bay he could go, all his special places were  _ their  _ places now. 

Alex thought he was used to being alone. Like he threw so harshly in John’s face, he had a life before he met him. With his mom gone and his dad in and out, he’d been accustomed to pushing forward on his own and never relying on anyone else for the things he needed. At least if he was alone, the only person he had to worry about was himself. But being with John woke him up to how hollow life was like that was. Being with John, he felt like he was  _ alive  _ for the first time in years. He wasn’t about to let him go unless he had to. He needed John to understand that he was in this for the long haul, that he wasn’t going to run away from this. But he needed John to give him the chance. 

The weekend came and nothing had changed. Alex was tired of laying around moping, so he decided to do something useful and trudge over to the library to return his books, maybe make a day of it. A quiet space might put him in the right state of mind to think about his next steps. He walked through the library doors with a stack of books in his arms, making his way straight for the circulation desk, and then he turned his head to the left and looked up. Sitting up at one of the tables off to the side was Martha, flipping through a magazine. 

Alex dropped all the books he was holding in his hands.

The patrons around him startled at the action, but didn’t even notice. Every bone in his body was singlemindedly focused on making his way over to Martha. He ran the short distance and slammed his hands on the table Martha was sitting at, making her jump and yelp in her seat. 

“Sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Alex said, breathing heavy. “How have you been? I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve seen you.” 

The minute Martha realized it was him, her eyes went hard as rocks. It was clear she knew how things were between him and John at the moment. 

“Alright, I’ll cut to the chase.” Alex relented. “I need your help. Can you tell John that I’m sorry for what I said that day and that I didn’t mean it the way he thinks I did? Tell him that I love him and all I wanna do is see him and hold him and—” 

_ “Alex.”  _ Martha said curtly. “Do I look like a mailbox? If you’ve got something to say to my brother, they sell paper and stamps at the corner store. There’s nothing I can do for you.” 

“Martha, please. I’m begging you.” Alex bowed his head, feeling like a heavy weight had settled across his shoulders. “John won’t talk to me. We don’t have a lot of time left and I want—no, I  _ need  _ to see him. I’ll never ask you for anything again, just please, tell John—”

“You’re begging me?” Her tone was frostier than a blizzard. “You don’t look like you’re begging. You should be on your hands and knees after what you did to Jack. I don’t know what you said to him, but he’s barely left his room all week. He’s barely talking to me or anyone else at all and it’s all because of you and only you. So forgive me if I’m not leaping at the chance to help you. You’re not exactly my favorite person right now.” 

Alex stared at her and she stared right back. They seemed to be at an impasse. Alex’s mind was racing then quiet, because he knew what he had to do. 

“If that’s all, I’d really appreciate it if you let me back to my—Alex!” Martha’s voice cut off with a squeak. 

Alex had walked around, thrown himself on the floor, and wrapped his body around Martha’s leg. She tried to shake him off but he only cinched his arms around her tighter. 

“Alex, get off of me!” she hissed. 

“You’re right. I should be on my knees and more for hurting your brother.” Alex looked up at her. “I’m sorry. But I’m gonna make it right no matter what I have to do, because I’m serious about him. I wasn’t lying when I told you that.” 

“Get. Off. Of. Me.” Martha repeated through gritted teeth. They were starting to attract the attention of the other library visitors. 

“You want me to beg? I’m begging you now, tell John I want to see him tonight, at our spot. He’ll know what I’m talking about. Tell him I’ll wait for him all night if I have to. However long it takes, I’ll be there.” 

“You really are crazy.” The whispers were rising around them, and Martha flushed at the attention. “Let me go, you’re gonna get in trouble!” 

Alex pinned her with his large, pleading eyes. “I don’t care how I look or what anyone else thinks of me. I won’t get up until you promise me you’ll tell him. Please.” 

Martha looked up ahead and saw a librarian making her way over to them. At this rate, they were both about to get kicked out. “Alright, I’ll tell him! Okay? Now will you get up and stop making a fool out of yourself?” 

“Promise me.” 

Martha sighed loudly. “I swear to you, I’ll deliver the message.” 

“Tonight, our spot.” Alex repeated. “I’ll be there.” 

He got up just as the librarian came up and asked, “Is everything alright over here?”

Alex gave her a broad smile and said, “This is the best day I’ve had all week.”

***

Alex stood by the lakeside, kicking rocks as he paced back and forth. The moon was high in the sky and he had been there for hours already. Alex was nothing if not stubborn, he meant when he said he’d stay out there all night. He kept telling himself that John was coming, of course he was coming, Alex just had to wait for him. 

_ But what if he doesn’t?  _ A voice whispered inside of him.  _ What if he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore? He doesn’t need you, he’d do just fine without you. Maybe he realized that and he’s left you, just like everyone else—  _

“You seriously jumped my sister in the middle of the library?” 

Alex froze, then spun around so fast he made himself dizzy. There he was, beautiful like the first time Alex saw him, like every time he laid eyes on him. He took Alex’s breath away just standing there. 

John. 

He rushed up to him, ready to fold John into his arms and never let go, only to stop short once he got close enough. John had his guard up like Alex had never seen it before, not even when they first met. A flash of fear sparked in his gut, but he pushed it aside. All he could do was put all his cards on the table and let John take him how he will. No more, no less. 

“She wanted me to beg, so I begged.” He sounded shaky, even as he tried to project confidence. "I would’ve done a lot more for you.” 

John looked at the ground. “I don’t know why you would, for someone who’s just dragging you down.” 

Alex closed his eyes. “That’s not what I said.” 

“You’re right. You actually said you’ve got better plans than being with me.” Hurt was laced all through John’s voice. “I agree with you, by the way. You could do so much better than some privileged ass kid with no idea of the real world, who doesn’t know what he’s doing. You’re special, Alex. You deserve someone special too.” 

“Don’t say that.” 

“I thought about it the whole week.” John kept on going. “It was stupid of me to just assume that you wanted—that this was—that you wanted more with me. You’re a good person, I know that. But now  _ I’m _ begging you, don’t stick with me because you don’t wanna be mean. If this is just for the summer—” 

Alex reached over and covered his mouth. He couldn’t listen to John talk like that another second. “Stop, just stop. Let me talk, okay?” 

He removed his hand once he was sure that John would let him speak. “Do you know how miserable this week’s been? It didn’t matter where I went or what I did, there wasn’t a second that went by where I didn’t think of you. Standing in front of you now, it’s the only time all week that I’ve felt like I can breathe again. I love you, John. Don’t ever doubt that for a second.” 

Alex slipped his hands into John, and John let him. “I’m sorry for all the shit I said at the party. It was just…between your dad and his friends and all their questions and finding out about Clemson, it all threw me off. I was lashing out and you didn’t deserve that.” 

“I’m sorry too.” John said quietly. “I should’ve told you, I wanted to. But when I thought we might be over if I did, I just…I couldn’t say it.” 

“We’re not over. We won’t be over.” Alex framed John’s face in his hands and lifted his head up, so that John could see the serious expression on his face. “Listen to me, John. You’re the one, okay? I don’t care if it’ll be hard or if I have to wait years for you to come back. As long as you want me, I’m yours.” 

He saw the moment that he got through to John. John exhaled sharply, then slumped forward to drop his head on Alex’s head. Alex let out a shuddering breath in return. 

“It might be hard.” John whispered. 

“Maybe. But I’m promising you right here, right now, that I’ll always fight for you. For us.” Alex wrapped his arms around John, pressed his body up against his and felt his own heartbeat racing alongside John’s. “I don’t care how hard it is, as long as it’s you and me in the end.” 

It was like lightning shooting through his body when John leaned up and pressed their lips together. God, he had only gone a week without kissing him and he felt like an addict in withdrawal. How was he supposed to go years? But Alex didn’t want to think about that right now. All he wanted to do was fall into the joy of being in John’s arms again, each loving kiss sending warmth up and down his body. 

Soon, they were smiling so much they could hardly keep their lips together. Then they started laughing for no reason. John pulled him to the ground and they laid side by side, fingers intertwined. 

“Did you seriously cling to Martha’s ankle? In front of everyone?” John asked. 

Alex nodded. “I think she tried to kick me, but I was holding onto her too tight.” 

John threw his head back with laughter and Alex stared at him in wonder. The rush of love he felt for John was so powerful, it almost overwhelmed him. He didn’t have any words to speak it out, all he could do was kiss John’s fingertips and let the feeling consume him. 

They talked all night, everything they wanted to say to each other all week came rushing out. They started laying on their backs side by side, then turned on their sides to face each other, then soon there was no place where they weren’t touching, their legs in between each other’s thighs, their hands clasped, their faces so close that their noses were touching. It was like this, the darkness fading away with the daybreak and the two of them close to sleep, that John spoke up again. 

“I’m sorry, Alex.” he said softly. “For all the shit I said too. I didn’t mean it like that, I wasn’t trying to say that your life here doesn’t matter. You have to know that I don’t, I didn’t—” 

“Shhh, I know, I know.” Alex stroked his cheek, trying to calm him. “It’s okay.” 

“No, it’s not okay.” John held Alex’s hand to his face. “There’s nothing you do that’s not important to me, I need you to know that. Whatever you need to do, I’m with you.” 

“Alright, thanks.” A sense of relief flooded through him. He hadn’t realized how much he needed John to actually say the words out loud. 

Just when it seemed like they were about to drift off to sleep again, Alex said, “Hey, John?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I need you to promise me something.” 

John opened his eyes at that, tried to be a little more present. “Yeah, anything.” 

“Don’t lie to me.” 

That woke John up. “What?” 

“Don’t lie to me or hide anything from me. Please.” Alex’s steady, solid gaze pierced through him. “I don’t want to be blindsided again. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I trust you more than anyone. That’s what scares me, I don’t—I’m not used to letting someone in like this. So please, even if it’s hard, don’t lie to me again.” 

Alex said  _ don’t lie to me,  _ but what he heard was  _ please, don’t break my heart.  _ He could be any more naked with John than this. 

John nodded, kissed him once. “I won’t, I swear.” 

And they fell asleep like that, wrapped so tight around each other they could’ve been in one body. 

***

“Come on, Alex, what are you waiting for!” 

Alex stood back in awe and watched John, clad in only a pair of swim trunks, streaking down the sandy banks and throwing himself into the beach waves. The sun was just rising over the water and its light shone down directly on John, though John’s smile had a brilliance that could rival anything the sun had going for it. 

When they woke up on the forest floor, just at the crack of dawn, they decided they may as well stay up and go down to the beach to watch the sunrise, just the two of them. John snuck back home to grab his trunks and Alex did the same and then they were off, enjoying the beach to themselves before the town woke up. 

“Alex!” John called for him again, and ran forward to drink in his sunlight all for himself. 

They splashed around in the water for hours. John giggled as Alex tried to pick him up and throw into the water, but didn’t quite have the strength to do it. 

“You need to lay off the ice cream,” Alex teased. “You’re about to make me throw out my back.” 

“That’s all pure muscle, baby girl.” John flexed his muscles dramatically, making Alex laugh. “Here, I’ll show you.” 

And then he picked Alex up bridal style against his protests, spun him around, and tossed him in. 

Alex spit up the saltwater once he came up for air. “You’re gonna pay for that.” 

“Alex, no!” John shouted right before he got tackled. 

He’d never seen someone so at home in the water like John was. Alex watched him as he floated on the surface, his eyes shut and his hair fanned out around him like a starfish. He looked so peaceful that Alex stared at his chest rising and falling, just to make sure that he was actually breathing. 

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” John asked, out of nowhere. 

“Reincarnation?” 

“Yeah. Like, after you die you get born into a different life.” 

“I know what it is!” Alex laughed. “I don’t know if I believe in it, though.”

“I do. I think I was an animal in my past life.” John replied, eyes still closed. “A turtle. I bet I was a turtle.” 

Alex looked at him like he was crazy. “Yeah, okay. I bet you were the prettiest turtle that ever walked the earth.” 

Alex thought the conversation was done right there, but then John popped up and jumped into his arms. “What about you? What animal were you?” 

It was easier to carry John with the water supporting a bit of his weight. Alex’s eyes flicked upwards like he was seriously considering the question. “You know what? I bet I was a lion, King of the jungle, full mane of hair and everything. I probably had my own pack of—what? Why are you looking at me like that?” 

John pouted and shrugged his shoulders. “It’s nothing. Just…you were supposed to say that you’d be a turtle too, ‘cuz I’m a turtle, and we’d lived to be 150 years old or something together.” 

Alex wrinkled his nose. “Sorry, babe, but no way. Turtles are slow as hell, not to mention ugly.” 

John hit his shoulder. “What the hell are you talking about? They're the cutest things ever, plus they’re shy and gentle!” 

“Well, you can be a turtle. I’ll be your lion.” Alex grinned softly. “I can protect you and scare off any predators with my mighty roar. And I can carry your slow ass on my back.” 

“I don’t need you to protect me.” John ran his hands through Alex’s thick hair with slow, gentle strokes. “Turtles have their gifts too. You need someone to get you to slow down, stop and take a look around. Look around, Alex.” 

“Where else do I need to look?” Alex said quietly, rubbing his hands up and down John’s back. “The best thing in my life is right in front of me, right now.” 

John stared at him for a beat, then gave him a smile that was almost too big for his face, it stretched that wide. It knocked Alex off his feet, literally. He was so distracted, he didn’t notice the big wave rising up, crashing right into them. They ended up on their backs on the shore.

“That was God punishing you for being cheesy.” John groaned. 

“Cruel words, sweet turtle.”

No matter how many years passed, the two of them would always return back to that moment. It would be crystallized in time, untouched by memory: the last perfect day together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> choo choo the angst train's a'coming...


	5. Chapter 5

“So my dad’s gone up to Atlantic City for the weekend.” Alex said, out of nowhere. 

John was knee deep in his study booklet and only half paying attention. “Really? Nice.” 

“Apparently he won some money playing the slot machines at some casino up in the city. You’d think the first thing he’d wanna do is get a headstart on the pile of bills stacked up on the counter, but no. For him, it’s a sign that he needs to do even _more_ gambling—” Alex cut himself off with a harsh headshake. “Anyway, I got the house to myself.” 

John hummed in agreement to show he was listening. 

“Like, really to myself. The only way my dad comes home early a Jersey trip is in a body bag.”

John glanced at him. At this point, he was getting kind of confused about why Alex was telling him this. “That’s good. You deserve some peace and quiet.” 

“Yeah, it is good.” John noticed that Alex was biting his lip, and his fingers kept tapping against the tabletop. He had this whole nervous energy about him and John didn’t know where it was coming from. 

“I was wondering, um,” Alex paused to clear his throat. “Do you—dinner. At my place. Do you wanna have dinner with me tomorrow?”

He sounded so hesitant, so unsure of himself, and John was even more confused. They got dinner together all the time, maybe not at Alex’s house, but—wait. 

Dinner, at Alex’s house. Alex’s empty house, no risk of his dad showing up out of nowhere. Alone with Alex, presumably at night, in his home with nobody else except the two of them. 

Oh. _Oh._

John’s cheeks flooded with color, and he stammered out, “Yeah, sure, I’d love that. Dinner. Sounds great, I’ll—yeah, I’ll be there.”

Alex gave him a small smile in return. “Great. Tomorrow at eight work for you?” 

John nodded a little too fast. “Yeah, yep, perfect.”

Their eyes met then quickly darted away from each other, matching blushes on their faces. They didn’t speak for the rest of Alex’s lunch break, and the only thing they said to each other before they had to separate was a quick goodbye. As soon as Alex was far enough away, John sped on his bike down to Lafayette’s house and threw his bike on the front lawn in a rush to get into the house. 

He let himself in without knocking, ran up the stairs and burst into Lafayette’s room, where he threw himself on the bed face first. The man in question was standing in front of his mirror holding two shirts up to his chest. 

_“Mon ami,_ what do you think? Should I go with the peach shirt or the sky blue shirt?” he asked. “I know I look dashing in blue, but the peach is too daring to give up.” 

“Peach.” John said without raising his head from the pillow. 

“You’re right,” Lafayette said, and tossed the blue shirt to the floor. “If I want to wow Hercules for our date tonight, I _must_ be daring.” 

John turned on his side to face him. “Hey, um, if anyone asks I’m having dinner at your place tomorrow.” 

“Sure, that’s fine with me.” He shrugged. “But where will you actually be?” 

“Alex invited me over.” John looked away, down at the comforter. “Apparently his dad went up to New Jersey for the weekend so he has the house to himself.” 

“Oh.” Lafayette hummed, rubbing lotion onto his face. Then he stopped and turned around with wide eyes. _“Oh.”_

John covered his face, already feeling it heat up again. “Yeah.” 

“Do you think he—” 

“Considering how wound up Alex was just asking me, I think so.” John exhaled loudly. “We’re gonna…yeah.” 

He was going to lose his virginity to Alexander Hamilton. Just the thought of it made every bone in his body feel electrified. 

Lafayette laid down on the bed next to him. “How are you feeling?” 

John blew out another breath. “I don’t know. Nervous, I guess?” 

“Don’t think about it too hard.” Lafayette patted his shoulder in reassurance. “It’s really very simple. Just take deep breaths and don’t clench up until he’s all the way in.” 

“What?” John knew he was bright red at this point. “I wasn’t asking you for tips, Jesus!” 

Lafayette snickered at his reaction. “You look like you want to clutch your pearls. Sex isn’t as big a deal as you’re making it, _mon ami._ The more you believe that, the more fun it will be.” 

“I know, I know, I keep telling myself that but…” John flopped down on his back. “I don’t know.” 

Lafayette peered at him carefully, then said, “You do know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, right? Alex would never force you into anything. Hell, I think he would cut off a finger before he did anything that made you feel a little uncomfortable.” 

John mumbled something under his breath, prompting Lafayette to say, “Huh? Speak up, I can’t hear you.”

“I said,” John couldn’t hide the embarrassment in his voice. “That’s not the problem.” 

“Oh?” Lafayette leered at him. “I’m not understanding, you know my English is still weak. You’re saying you’re very, extremely, out of this world hot for Alexander—”

John hit him with a pillow. “You’re the worst, you know that?” 

As embarrassing as it was to admit, him _wanting_ to do it wasn’t a problem at all. It was all he thought about these days. The truth was, there was something burning up between him and Alex that only intensified every time they met. The days they used to spend talking all day and night about everything were replaced with silence, save for the soft noises and quiet gasps as they memorized the insides of each other’s mouths. Their kisses, which used to be sweet and innocent, were hungry and searching in a way that John had never experienced before. But it was only a couple of days ago that he realized that what was heating up between them couldn’t be resolved with just grinding or shoving their hands down each other’s pants. 

They were in Alex’s truck, parked just down the road from John’s house. John needed to get home before he broke curfew, especially since he knew his dad had been having the maids report exactly when he came back home. He needed to get inside…but Alex’s mouth killed every thought in his head as soon as they came up. Alex was fully leaned over the center console, tongue shoved so far down John’s throat that all John could do was whimper desperate noises that echoed in the tiny car. Alex was hot everywhere—his hands were hot on John’s face as he cupped his cheeks and held him, his skin was warm to the touch as John slipped underneath his shirt. John laid a hand over his chest, feeling Alex’s heartbeat thump hard against his palm in response. It was both heady and terrifying, knowing he had the power to make Alex feel like this. 

“I have to go,” John said once they paused to take a breath. But the sensation of Alex’s thumbs tracing his overheated skin made it hard to put any weight behind the words. 

“Just a few more minutes.” Alex said, kissing his bottom lip. 

“You said that a few minutes ago.” John countered, but Alex held him tighter. 

“Stay with me,” Alex whispered, and John folded like a leaf. There was no way he could say no to Alex when he looked so pretty in the moonlight and he spoke to John in that urgent, fragile tone. 

When their lips met again, something emboldened John to go a little further. Without breaking the kiss, he crawled across the console and into Alex’s lap, much to his delight if the groan Alex let out was any indication. Alex wrapped his arms around his back and dragged John closer, knocking the temperature in the car up to a fever pitch. He felt Alex’s arousal pressing up against him and he rocked his hips down, moving to the rhythm as their mouths. Alex moaned and the strength of it vibrated down John’s spine, so hot that John felt like he was going to faint. 

“Fuck, John.” Alex pulled away and buried his face into John’s neck, his heavy breaths brushing all over him. “I don’t think you get what you do to me. You don’t know how bad I want you.”

“Yeah?” he breathed. His heartbeat was racing so fast, he could barely think straight. John heard himself say, “How much?” 

“So bad,” Alex groaned, then turned and sucked a mark right on the side of his neck, where the skin was most sensitive. 

“Really?” John gasped as he writhed under Alex’s intense attentions. “Then you’ll have to tell me all about it. Tomorrow.”

And with that, John lifted himself off of Alex’s lap and opened the car door. 

Alex grabbed his hand before he could exit. “What—John! Come on, stay a little longer!” 

John rolled his eyes and kissed Alex quickly on the lips. “Alex, you’re gonna have to let me go eventually.” he laughed.

“I know.” Alex said quietly. “I know.” 

“Don’t look so serious.” John leaned forward and laid a sweet kiss on Alex’s forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

He got out of the car, and it was only after Alex drove away that he allowed himself to lose his composure, slumping onto the ground and burying his face in his hands, screaming into his palms. 

That day, he realized that he wanted Alex to be his first. No one had ever made his heart race or his blood heat up like Alex did, and he honestly didn’t think that anyone ever would. He was never going to love anyone the way he loved Alex, so he couldn’t imagine doing it for the first time with anyone else. 

But at the same time, it made him so anxious thinking about it, because he knew that he wasn’t Alex’s first. In fact, he was sure that Alex had done it many times, not that John blamed him. Intelligent, confident, and handsome as hell, he didn’t know how anyone kept their hands off Alex. John knew he could barely manage it. What if John didn’t measure up to all his past partners? What if he disappointed him? John didn’t know if he could handle seeing Alex’s pitying or sympathetic face trying to comfort him for being the failure he might turn out to be. 

_“Mon ami,_ what are you thinking about?” Lafayette asked, bringing him back to the present. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

“It’s nothing.” At Lafayette’s intense stare, he sighed and continued, “I’m just worried that it won’t be good for Alex. He has experience and I don’t, and I…I don’t know, what if it’s weird? Or what if I suck and it makes things all weird between us, and he feels differently about me. Or what if—” 

“John.” Lafayette said, effectively silencing him. “This isn’t an exam you need to pass. It’s sex! It’s weird and uncomfortable at times, but it’s supposed to be fun too. Especially if you’re doing it with someone you love, which you are. As far as anything changing how Alex feels about you, that ship has sailed. You could murder someone and Alex would still treat you like an angel come down heaven. There’s no pressure, just do what feels right.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m getting all worked up over nothing.” John rubbed his temples, trying to relax himself. “I bet Alex isn’t even freaking out about it like this.” 

Lafayette patted his shoulder again in a comforting manner. “Somehow, I highly doubt that.” 

Back at the construction site, Alex was with Hercules, freaking out. 

As soon as he got back to work he went straight to Hercules, who immediately said to him, “So?” 

When Alex gave him a slight grin and nodded, Hercules whooped loud enough for his voice to echo in the air. “My boy’s getting laid tonight!” 

Alex jabbed him in the stomach, laughing. “Can you shut the hell up? I don’t need the whole damn town knowing my business.” 

Hercules raised his hands. “Sorry, sorry.”

But the excitement wore off almost instantly, replaced with an intense anxiety as his mind raced with all the things that could happen tomorrow. 

“This dinner has to be perfect.” Alex mumbled to himself. “I’ve gotta clean the whole house, top to bottom. Fuck, it’s gonna take me the whole night just to get my room right! And what are we gonna eat? There’s no way I can afford to make the stuff he’s used to. Maybe I can buy some steak? And I could put some money down on some fancy shit from the liquor store, none of that cheap shit my dad—” 

“Dude, relax.” Alex hadn’t realized he’d been pacing until Herc got his in path and stopped him. “I don’t know what you’re stressing about, but it’s not like it’s your first date. Hell, John’s been in your room and hasn’t run out screaming, so I think you’re good. You want my advice?” 

“Yeah, actually. I’d really appreciate that.” He needed someone sane to calm him down. 

Hercules smirked. “Don’t forget a condom and wait till you can get three fingers deep. After that, you should be all good.” 

Alex dragged Herc into a chokehold, blushing hard. “I’m gonna kill you. Can you be serious for five seconds?” 

“Alright, alright, easy!” Hercules tapped out. “I’m sorry!” 

Alex let him up. “It’s not for sure that we’re gonna do it, anyway.” he grumbled. 

Herc snorted. “Yeah, right.” 

When he saw the somber expression on his friend’s face, he decided to get serious. “For real, man, what are you stressed about? John will have a good time no matter what you guys do, so what’s the issue?”

“I want to make him feel comfortable.” Alex explained. “I don’t want him to do this because he feels like he has to. I…I don’t want him to regret it.” 

It was already hard enough for Alex to believe that someone like John—beautiful, kind, born with everything he could ever want—would even think of being with Alex in that way. Alex wasn’t really sure he was worth the honor, so the least he could do was make it the best damn night of John’s life.

“You look like you’re thinking some dumb shit,” Hercules said. “You need me to knock some sense into you? Yeah, you’re lucky to have John, but John’s sure as shit luckier to have you. You’re the best person I know, man. He’s not gonna regret it. In case your dumb ass hasn’t noticed, he’s stupid in love with you. Don’t think so much you forget to have a good time.” 

Alex let out a deep breath. “Yeah, you’re right. It’ll be fine.” 

He really, really hoped it would be. He wanted tomorrow to be a good day, a pleasant memory for him and John. Something good for John to remember him by.

***

Alex made it his mission to make this dinner the most romantic date ever conceived on Earth. He had it all laid out, beginning to end. 

He was gonna go classic, something straight out of the movies: a candlelight dinner. He grabbed the old candlesticks his mom used to collect from the attic, along with his mom’s recipe card for her world famous meatloaf recipe. She made it every time they had company over, and there was never a time where the guests didn’t go back for seconds and thirds. John was going to love it. 

He spent the whole day preparing for the dinner. Alex woke up early and started by cleaning the whole house top to bottom: vacuuming, wiping down surfaces, hell, even dusting. He spent the most time in his room, making sure to change his bedsheets to the softest ones he had. Once that was done, he went to the grocery store and picked up the supplies for meatloaf and mashed potatoes. On the way back home, he stopped by Lafayette’s house, who gifted him with a bottle of fancy wine. 

_“Bonne chance,_ Alexander.” Lafayette said when he handed it to him. “Be gentle with John or you’ll be hearing from me.” 

“You don’t have to worry.” Alex assured his friend. “I’d never hurt him.” 

Once he got home, he did what he considered the most important part of the dinner: choosing what music to play while they ate. He decided on some records from Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Theolonius Monk. A mix of upbeat jazzy tunes and slower ballad-like songs to take them through the evening. 

When it was almost time for dinner, he launched into his final preparations. He got changed into his clothes, nothing too fancy, just dark slacks and a green button up that Angelica used to tell him he looked irresistible in. The mashed potatoes were already done and warming on the stove, all that was left to do was put the meatloaf in the oven. He wanted it to be piping hot when John finally arrived. 

Putting the meatloaf in was the last big thing he had to do, which meant for the first time all day he was left alone with his thoughts. Just thinking over all the possible ways tonight could go was enough to send him in a tailspin, and it wouldn’t do anyone any good for him to psych himself out before anything happened. Alex popped open the wine early and poured himself a glass, just to calm himself a little. He decided to distract himself by doing the little things, turning off some of the lights and lighting the candles, setting the table. It was while putting some plates down that he allowed himself to daydream about how he hoped the night would go. 

He would usher John in, relishing the gasp his boyfriend would let out when he took in the romantic lighting and the tempting smell of dinner that filled the room. He’d pull John’s seat out for him, pour the both of them some wine and they’d cheers to something—love, each other, whatever. John would rave over how good the food was and Alex would be humble, act like it was no sweat and he cooked like that all the time, and John would fall even more in love with him. 

They’d have casual conversation over dinner, nothing too heavy. Then once they were done eating, Alex would play something slow on the record player, a love song. He’d ask John to dance and they’d sway to the music like they’d done so many times before. But it’d be different this time, and they’d both feel it. When the mood was right, he'd pull John into a long, passionate kiss. They'd kiss and kiss until John was near ready to melt into his arms, and then Alex would suggest moving to his room. And then…

Alex snapped out of his thoughts, about to set the table on fire instead of the candles. It was too much, thinking about laying down John in his bed. Exposing every part of themselves to each other in a way they’ve never done with anyone else. _Giving_ themselves over to each other. Alex wondered if he was truly ready. 

Alex walked through the living room, straightening things up. He lingered on a picture of his mother on the end table. She would come to his mind from time to time at the most random moments, along the familiar ache of missing her. He wished with his whole body that John could’ve met her. They would’ve gotten along, they both had the same gentle nature. 

He smiled thinking about it. She would’ve teased him so much the moment he told her about John. Alex could hear her singing, _Oh my god, my baby boy is in love!_ And when he actually introduced John to her, Alex was sure that she would fall in love with him too. She’d take him in and treat him like another son. 

“I’m okay, Ma.” Alex told the smiling photograph. “I’ll be alright.” 

Letting the memories of his mom buoy up his good mood, Alex was confident that tonight was going to be a good night. 

And then he looked up and noticed that there was a hazy atmosphere filling the room. It seemed to be coming from the kitchen, but that didn’t make any sense. After all, he set a timer to go off when the meatloaf was ready. The timer that was sitting in his pocket, not ticking at all. He forgot to set the timer. 

“Oh, _fuck!”_

He rushed into the kitchen to see smoke billowing from the oven, and when he threw open the oven door an avalanche of smoke filled the space along with the smell of burnt meat. Alex wrenched the pan out and threw it on the counter in a hurry, before the oven could catch fire. Unfortunately, the pan knocked into the wine bottle and half full glass and sent them both tumbling to the ground. The wine glass spilled all over Alex’s nice shirt and the bottle smashed into pieces the moment it hit the ground, spilling the red liquid everywhere. As Alex tried to fan out the smoke with a dishrag, he was sure things couldn’t get any worse. 

Then he heard a timid voice call out, “Um, Alex? You weren’t answering the door so I let myself in…” 

The voice trailed off and John appeared in the doorway, right on time to take in the full scene of disaster. Alex thought he might pass out. 

John went right up to him. “Are you okay?” 

Alex pushed away from him and went to open the window. He couldn’t even look John in the eye. “No, I’m not. I ruined it. The whole night, it’s ruined.”

Alex felt like he was slipping into a dark place, and he wanted to just hide himself and curl up away from sight. Of course this would happen. Who did he think he was, trying to plan the perfect date for him and John? This is what he did when he put his hands on something, he ruined, spoiled it, darkened it beyond belief. If anything, this was a sign. How could he ever think that a piece of trash like him could ever be worth the time and attention of John, who was good. He was everything nice and good in the world and Alex was just—just— 

“Hey.” Alex didn’t notice that John was standing right in front of him until John had spoken. “Where did you go?” 

“What do you mean?” Alex mumbled, staring at the ground. 

“Don’t do that.” John framed Alex’s face in his palms and lifted his head up, so Alex had to look at him. “Don’t go somewhere in your head I can’t follow.” 

“Look, maybe you should just go home.” Alex said quietly, each word like a dagger to the chest. “I fucked up dinner, so let’s just call it a night.” 

“What are you talking about?” John looked over his shoulder, at the stove. “Those mashed potatoes look great to me. And I bet there’s something in the fridge we can warm up to eat.” 

John went over to the fridge without asking and starting poking around. “How about leftover macaroni and cheese? I don't know about you, but that sounds delicious to me.” 

“John—” Alex started shaking his head, but John came back to stand in front of him and put his arms around him. 

“You go get changed, I’ll clean the kitchen and get dinner warmed up.” John ordered. 

Alex opened his mouth to argue again, but John stopped him. “Nuh uh, whatever you’re thinking, stop. Nothing’s ruined, Alex. I’m here and you’re here and that’s all that matters to me, okay? Nothing you say is gonna change my mind. Now go get changed before the food gets cold.” 

And somehow, things _were_ alright. By the time Alex had come back in a fresh shirt, The spilled wine was mopped up and the glass shards were in the trash, the macaroni was warmed up in a pot on the stove, and John was stirring the mashed potatoes. They picked up the food to move to the dining table, but on the way over John looked over at the fireplace. 

“Does that actually work?” he asked Alex. 

Alex followed his gaze and nodded. “Yeah. We use it in the wintertime to save money on the heating bill.”

John’s eyes sparkled. “Can we eat there?” 

Alex couldn’t deny John anything when he looked like that, so they loaded up their plates with food and Alex laid out a blanket for them to sit on in front of the fireplace. Within minutes he got the fire burning and turned out the lights, so that the only sources of light were from the fire and the candles he’d already lit up before. Without realizing it, it really worked for the mood he was trying to set. They filled their wine glasses with the beer that Alex’s dad left in the fridge (“Wine makes me sleepy anyway,” John reassured him) and just talked, normal as anything, as if Alex’s fuckups never happened. 

He stared at John as John told him a story about something funny Mary did at dinner, and thought to himself that if he could marry this boy right here, right now, he would. Anything to keep John with him for the rest of his life, he really meant that. 

When they were done eating, Alex took their plates to the sinks and packed up the leftovers. John, in the meantime, got up and looked around the house. He stared at the pictures on the mantelpiece, each one making him smile more than the last. There was a picture of little Alex holding up a fish as big as him, one of him sitting on his dad’s shoulder, another of him perched on his mom’s hip and kissing her cheek. She was a natural beauty, just like Alex.

He liked how lived in Alex’s house felt. It may have been smaller and cluttered with things, but you could tell that a _family_ lived there. It wasn’t like John’s house, cold and cleaned within an inch of its life, made to look like something out of a museum and not a place where people felt. At least when John’s mom was alive, the house had a life to it. She’d put flowers around the house to brighten the place and hang paintings that “spoke to her”. She’d take John to gallery openings with her and let him pick out his favorite pieces. And sometimes she’d hang up something that he drew, because he was her favorite artist. 

But then she was gone, and his father stored away anything that reminded him of her. So the paintings were gone, the flowers thrown out, the house scrubbed clean of any of her influence. 

“I like your place,” John said when Alex came back into the living room. “It feels like home.” 

Alex grinned at him. “Thanks. The fireplace is my favorite part of the house, actually. I used to fall asleep right in front of it because the floor’s the warmest there. When I was a kid, I would just sit there for hours and stare into the fire like I was possessed or something. It really freaked my mom out, and my dad would tell me to say these Latin words in a spooky voice just to scare her.” 

John laughed at the image of a tiny Alex pretending to be possessed. It was cute and funny at the same time. 

Alex walked around the house, looking at everything. “I’ve never told anyone this, but it’s my dream to remodel the whole place. Like, tear most of it down and start fresh.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. I’d leave in the fireplace, but I’d touch it up a little. And I’d put new flooring down on the living room and expand it. I’d have some bigger windows on the first floor so I can take advantage of the natural light. Plus I’m adding two rooms, a study for me to get work done in and then my own personal library, filled wall to wall with bookshelves and a couch for me to relax and get some reading done in.” Alex flicked his eyes up in thought. “And yeah, that’s it. For now, at least.” 

Alex came back to sit down on the blanket, just as John said, “You’ve only thought about everything you want. Don’t I get a say?” 

The question took the both of them by surprise. John realized what he was implying and blushed, while Alex stared at him with wide eyes. Here was someone who never liked to think about the future, who was always unsure of what was coming next, and yet he saw himself in this house, with Alex. 

Alex said quickly, “Yeah, of course. What were you thinking?” 

John pushed off from the fireplace. “I think the house should be painted white, so that it’ll always feel fresh and new looking at it. And we should expand the kitchen too, that way there’s more space to get messy and experiment. I used to love cooking with my mom and making a mess.” 

Alex stared at him with rapt attention. “What else?” 

“I think a spacious living room is a good idea, we could put a piano in and have fun singing and dancing.” 

“I don’t know how to play the piano.” 

“Well, I do.” John smiled. “I’ll teach you, it’s not hard. Oh, and it’ll be nice to have a bedroom with big windows that overlooks the lake out back. The scenery in your backyard is just perfect. Oh, oh, and speaking of outside, I think a porch that wraps around the whole house would just be beautiful. We could even install one of those swinging benches on the backyard side of the porch so we could sit down there and watch the sun go down. I think that’d be really nice.” 

John, at last, realized how much he’d been talking and flushed again. “Sorry, is that too much?” 

Alex shook his head, dazed. “You can have anything you want, just name it.” 

The room was silent as the two of them gazed at each other, and all at once the mood changed. John felt the moment coming, could feel it in the way Alex’s eyes trailed all over his body but landed on his face and stayed, like he would never look away again. John never knew what to do when Alex looked at him like that, he felt so out of his element.

Stalling, he turned away and stuttered, “I—I’ll draw you a picture of what I’m thinking, so you won’t forget.” 

John grabbed a napkin and a pen from off the coffee table and used the mantlepiece as a surface to draw on, his back completely to Alex. Still, he could feel Alex’s gaze on him and it made his heart race. When he was finished drawing, he walked over to stand in front of Alex. 

“Here,” John put his hand out, handing him the napkin. “Don’t lose it.” 

Alex took the drawing, then yanked John down so that he was sprawled across Alex’s lap. As he tried to pull himself up, Alex held him closer. 

“I won’t. I forget anything you’ve told me, either.” Alex said, then kissed him softly on the lips, once. “I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I’m gonna do it. I’ll build our dream house someday.”

“I believe you,” John rested his cheek on Alex’s forehead. “There’s nothing that your mind can’t do once you set your sights on something.”

Alex tipped them onto the floor and ran a hand up and down John’s side. “The trick is to start small, then keep pushing forward. We’ll get a little place in Harlem and figure it out as we go along.” 

A smile spread across John’s lips. “Yeah, I like that. I don’t care if it’s small, as long as it’s ours.” 

They were so close to each to each other that John saw each emotion that flicked across Alex’s expression as he brushed the hair away from John’s face, from joy to fondness to desire to _love._ John began to tremble a little under his touch.

“As long as you’re with me, there’s nothing I can’t do.” Rather than hear them, John felt the words across his lips. 

He swallowed, and said, “Then it’s a good thing you’ve got me. I’m with you till the end of the road.” 

There was a beat, then two, and before either of them knew it they were grabbing each other, sealing their lips together and tangling their limbs so close it was like they were trying to jump into the other person. Alex bit at his bottom lip something fierce, enough that John gasped, and took the opportunity to slip his tongue into John’s mouth. John moaned and dug his hands in Alex’s hair as Alex kissed him deeper and deeper without hesitation. 

Every atom in John's body narrowed down to the two of them wrapped up in each other. Alex’s mouth moved fast and furious against his and the sounds that were escaping from the both of them seemed to resound loudly in the empty house. When Alex climbed over him and pressed into the floor, John became sensitive to everything. Alex’s scent, his searing touch, the feeling of his strong thigh pressing against him, it all tore through John’s self control. 

Alex rocked their hips together and John arched up against him. His dick stiffened in his pants, and he felt Alex respond in kind, only growing more excited the more their bodies grinded up against each other. Then Alex pulled away suddenly with a sharp smack of their lips and stared down at John with wide eyes. 

“We should…um, do you wanna move this to the bedroom?” he panted. 

John blushed. “No, um, I don’t wanna move. Let’s just do it here.” 

And then John blushed even deeper, because that was the first time that night that either of them acknowledged what was about to happen. But it was obvious at this point that all roads were pointing one way, to sex. John thought he was prepared, but everything was happening so fast and he was worried that if they didn’t do it right now, if they moved from this spot, John would fall apart before they even got to the bed. 

Alex didn’t notice his inner turmoil. To him, this was the sexiest thing anyone had ever said to him. Doing it in front of the fireplace? It was something straight out of his dreams, he couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He gaped at John, mouth flopping open and closed, before rocketing up to his feet in a hurry.

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna—I’ll go get the, um, the supplies.” He ran upstairs before John could say anything, determined to get back fast before John could change his mind. 

And that left John alone, on the floor. As soon as Alex was out of sight, he let three loud exhales expel from his body. He smacked his cheeks hard, and when he pulled back John saw that his hands were shaking.

“Get a fucking grip,” he whispered to himself. “This is supposed to be fun, no big deal. Don’t make it weird.” 

But he couldn’t help but freak out a little. There was no way he wasn’t going to mess this up, because that was what he did. He screwed things up or he fell short of everyone’s expectations, his dad could testify to that. John was sure the same thing would happen here. He’d make things weird or awkward, and then it’d be over and Alex wouldn’t look at him with those soft, adoring eyes anymore. No, he’d finally see John for who he really was and he’d look at him with disappointment, regret, pity. 

Just as John was about to spiral out completely, he heard the sound of footsteps thundering down the steps and Alex shouting, “Shit! _”_

Alex had too much momentum coming into the living room and he knew it, but his attempts to slow himself down only made things worse. He tripped over the loose edge of the carpet and went sprawling onto the ground, face first. A bottle of lube skidded across the floor and the box of condoms flew out of his hand and its contents went spilling everywhere. So when John looked back, he saw lube gleaming in the moonlight, a mini avalanche of condoms all over the floor, and Alex lying face down, groaning. 

To say he busted out laughing was an understatement. 

“I’m okay, thanks for asking.” Alex groaned, rolling onto his back as the air was filled with John’s bellowing laughter. 

“You didn’t need to bring the whole damn box!” John wheezed. “How many rounds were you planning on going tonight, big boy?” 

Alex flushed. “I was in a rush!” 

“Yeah, I can tell.” John gestured to the disaster all over the floor. “I swear, Alex, why do you do things like you’re running out of time?” 

Alex didn’t respond, just grumbled to himself, “This is literally the worst day ever.” 

The tension in the room was popped like a bubble, and John realized all at once how ridiculous he was being. This was _Alex._ The guy he felt more at home with than anyone else, sometimes even more than his family. He didn’t have to worry about stumbling and making a fool out of himself, because Alex accepted him whether he was at his best or worst. There was no one else he wanted to totally expose himself to other than him. 

So John peered at Alex under his eyelashes and said, “What are you doing?” 

Alex furrowed his brow in confusion. “What do you mean? I’m just laying here.” 

“Instead of doing that, why don’t you grab one of those condoms and get over here.” Their eyes met for one breathless moment, and John had never seen Alex move so fast in his life. He grabbed the bottle of lube and a condom off the floor before settling back down on top of John, hovering over him. 

For a moment they just looked at each other, waiting to see who would be the one to make the first move. Then Alex said, “We should probably, um, take our clothes off.” 

“Yeah, I think that’s how it works.” John said, then mentally cursed at himself. Now wasn’t the time for dumb jokes, it was time to get serious. 

Alex leaned up on his knees and pulled off his shirt. John stared at his stocky, golden body, all on display for him, then took a deep breath and took off his own shirt. It left Alex breathless, taking in John’s slim figure. There were freckles all over his body, and the flush on his face spread down to his heaving chest. He traced a trembling hand down John’s abs, and thought that nothing he had ever dreamed of could compare to the real thing right in front of him. 

John held his gaze and he slowly unbuttoned his own pants and pulled down the zipper. The naked desire on Alex’s face as he watched him made John’s heart beat out of his chest, so hard it hurt. But he couldn’t stop. His hands kept moving down, down, until he was lying there in just his boxers. Alex pulled off his pants next, and there they were, only one thin layer of clothing separating them from each other. 

This time when they kissed, they could feel every part of each other. Alex grabbed his shoulders and gently lowered John to the ground and pressed down on top of him. The heat of Alex’s body bled into his own, he could feel Alex’s heart pounding against his. His mouth moved slickly against John’s, and that combined with the feeling of their erections sliding up against each other made John feel lightheaded. But it didn’t distract him from hands moving down his sides, stopping to trace the waistband of his boxers. 

“John,” Alex’s voice was lower than usual, much rougher. “Can I…” 

John nodded quickly, unable to look at him. “Go ahead.” 

John shut his eyes tight. There was a pause, and then a rush of air as the fabric slowly slipped down his legs and off. He heard a soft gasp, and then nothing. Each second that passed in silence filled John with more anxiety, until he had no choice but to risk a peek at Alex. 

Alex was staring at him as if he wasn’t real, like he was something out of his wildest imaginations. His gaze roved from the light sheen of sweat coated all over John’s body to the flush staining his cheeks to all the way back down to his dick, flushed even more than his face and standing proud and tall, hard as a rock. 

John was so embarrassed, he covered his face again. “Don’t stare.”

“You’re beautiful.” he said, as if John didn’t talk. 

John turned his face away. “You’re so embarrassing.” 

“Don’t do that, John. Look at me.” Alex turned John’s face back to him, pulled his hands down. “I mean it. You’re perfect.”

For some reason, the sincerity in Alex’s voice made him want to cry. Because he meant it, he really meant it. When Alex looked at him, he didn’t see a screw up or a disappointment. He saw something perfect. 

“You next.” John whispered, instead of voicing all the emotions swelling up in his throat. “Take off your boxers.” 

Alex pulled them off with little hesitation. All at once, John understood why Alex reacted the way he did. Seeing all of Alex, no barriers between them, all for his eyes only, was enough to steal all the words from his mouth. For a moment, they just drank each other in and breathed with the weight of the moment, that everything they’d done since they’d met had led up to this and now that they were here, there was no turning back.

Alex spoke first. “Are you ready?” 

And John nodded. 

Once they finally got started, it wasn’t at all like John imagined. It was…a lot more mechanical. Robotic, almost. The room was dead silent, save for John’s tiny gasps as Alex slipped the first finger in. It wasn’t painful, just a weird feeling that John couldn’t necessarily say he didn’t like or dislike. Alex prodded and stretched him with an intense, focused look on his face, like he was a doctor. It made John feel like he was a patient, not in a sexy way and certainly not in a way that put him at ease. Things didn’t change until Alex added another finger and ended up brushing against something in John that made his whole body arch up. 

“Oh!” he yelped. 

Alex panicked and pulled out his fingers immediately. “Oh shit, did I hurt you? I was trying to go slow, I’m so sorry, I should’ve—” 

“Didn’t hurt.” he forced out through gritted teeth. It was mortifying to say out loud, but this wouldn’t work unless they communicated with each other. “It felt…good. Really good.” 

Alex’s eyes widened as it clicked for him. “Oh! Right, okay. I’ll just…keep going, yeah.” 

John tried to lose him in the lightning that struck down his back every time Alex touched that little bundle of nerves inside of him, but the silence was really messing him. They weren’t kissing or talking or _anything._ They were closer than they had ever been, yet Alex felt so far away from him. 

“Alright, that’s enough.” he choked out, once he was loose enough for Alex to stretch him with three fingers. “I think I’m good.” 

Alex froze. “Are you sure? Because I’m completely fine—” 

“I’m sure.” 

“Okay.” 

He waited for Alex to say more, but all he did was grab the condom. He spread John’s legs and tilted his hips up, and it hit John that this was it. They were just about to…do it. Like that. Was this how it was supposed to go? This was fun? He felt sick with anxiety, and Alex’s stonewall expression made him feel like he was going through this all alone, and he couldn’t believe that they were just about to do it, just like that. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Was it?

Alex put the condom between his lips. Just as he was about to rip it open with his teeth, John blurted out, “Stop.”

His gaze swiveled to John, the condom dropped right from his mouth. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” he asked, frantic. 

John shook his head. “It’s fine, everything’s fine, just...why are you being so quiet?” 

Alex scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, you’re _so_ quiet. You haven’t said a word at all. Seriously, this is the longest I’ve heard you not talk, ever. I don’t get it.” John rambled. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” 

“What do you want me to say?” 

“Anything!” The words were flooding out of John like a faucet that wouldn’t turn off. “You literally have something to say about everything, but now you’ve got nothing? There’s nothing going through your mind right now? At all? My mind is racing so fast I can’t think straight and you can’t come up with one thing to say?” 

Alex got the sense that John was the one who had something to say, so he kept quiet and let him talk. 

“Maybe it’s different for you, I don’t know. I know this isn’t…I know you’re used to this. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to go, I have no idea. I—” He cut himself off with a huff, then continued in a softer tone. “I’ve never done this with anyone before. Not even close. This is my first time, and I know I’m probably ruining it right now but I—I don’t know what I’m doing. I need you to talk to me and tell me what to do. Please.” 

Alex gazed down at John, smoothing his hair back and stroking his thumbs across his cheeks as John leaned into the touch. He waited a moment more, then said, “I’ve never done this before either.” 

John’s head snapped up. “What?” 

Alex moved off of him to lie on his side, and put an arm around John’s waist to pull them closer together. “I’m a virgin, John.”

“But I thought—” 

“I know what you thought. That’s what everyone thinks.” Alex smiled to himself, a little sheepish. “Everyone’s got this image of me as some sort of playboy, so they just assume I’ve done it and I let them, because it’s no one’s business but mine. I’m not saying I haven’t done _anything,_ but sex? Never.”

“But why?” John rose up on his elbow to look at him. “I mean, you’re…you. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to be with you.” 

“It’s not them, it’s me.” Alex looked at him and away, trying to find the words. “Dating is fun, but sex? It’s so…serious. All that pressure to do it right and make sure the other person is having a good time too. You never forget the first person you do it with and, I don’t know, that freaked me out. I hated the idea that I might end up being someone’s mistake, years later when they thought about it.”

“That wouldn’t happen.” John murmured softly. 

Alex shook his head. “I’m making myself sound more selfless than I really am. The truth is, I was just scared. I didn’t want to be tied to anyone that way, I couldn’t stand the thought of letting anyone see more of me than I can control. There was never anyone I felt like I would risk getting hurt for, if we took it all the way.”

Their eyes met, and the way Alex looked at him made John’s heart stop in his chest. “But then I met you. I swear to God, John, I never believed in anyone of that bullshit about waiting for the right person or whatever, but I feel like I get it now. I _want_ to be tied down to you. Shit, if there was a way for us to get even closer, I’d do it. Sometimes I wish I could burn a part of myself inside of you, so I could always be with you. 

John sucked in a sharp breath. _“Alex.”_

A nervous expression came to his face, and desperation leaked into his voice. “Is it the same for you? Tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way.” 

John didn’t hesitate. Instead of speaking, he surged up and kissed Alex hard, poured all the feelings and emotions he had for him into their embrace. Alex whimpered as John rolled on top and grinded down, sparking the cooling atmosphere around them back into a blazing fire. Alex could hardly breathe with how hard John was moving against him with his body and his _mouth._ All he could was give it back as good as he got, until they were as wound up and turned on as before. 

When they came up for air, John said, “You’re already a part of me. You’re _everything,_ Alex, don’t you get that? It goes both ways. You’re mine, yeah, but I’m yours too. Until you get sick of me.” 

“Never.” Alex gasped, and pulled him back down. 

Alex reversed their positions so that he was back on top. He looked down at John wordlessly, and John nodded. John trembled as Alex ripped the packet open and slid the condom over his cock. John instinctively spread his legs open wider, and Alex crushed their bodies together, positioning himself so that the head of his dick brushed against John’s entrance. 

“Hey.” John whispered. “I love you. You know that, right?” 

“I know.” 

And then, he pushed forward. 

***

“I have to get home,” John mumbled. He was lying on his back, woozy and light-headed with pleasure. It was hard to imagine ever moving off of Alex’s living room floor, but he had to go.

He sat up, ready to grab his clothes and get dressed, only to be dragged back down and onto Alex’s bare chest.

“Don’t go,” Alex moaned. “Stay here, with me.” 

“It’s getting late.” He had to get home soon. “Dinner at Lafayette’s” could only last for so long.

“Please.” Alex blinked down and him with puppy dog eyes, and John blushed. This was the same face he watched light up with ecstasy, the same mouth that opened wide with a broken moan as he spilled inside John…

“Okay.” John nestled into Alex’s pleasantly warm body. “But only for a couple more minutes.” 

Alex’s face brightened. He reached over, grabbed a blanket off the couch, and draped it of the two of them. John snuggled closer, and Alex wrapped an arm around his waist and sighed happily. 

Alex pressed a kiss to the top of his forehead. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I feel great.” John reassured him for the tenth time. 

“I didn’t hurt you?”

“No, Alex. You made me feel  _ so  _ good, baby.” He played up a sultry voice, which made Alex flick his forehead as they laughed and laughed. 

He was just on the edge of sleep when Alex brushed his lips against his ear and said, so low that John almost missed it, “I love you so much, John Laurens.” 

The words carried him off into peaceful dreams. 

When his eyes opened again, it was to the sound of loud banging coming from the front door. 

“What is that?” John grumbled, while Alex yawned and sat up. 

There was the sound of a door slamming open, and then Hercules came into the view, looking like he’d just ran through hell.

“Thank god, the both of you are here.” he sighed, relieved. 

Alex yanked the blanket up to fully cover the both of them. “Herc, what the fuck? You can’t just walk into my house—”

“You need to get John home,  _ now.”  _ Herc cut him off. “Shit’s hit the fan.” 

John sat up at once, face ashen. “What time is it? Alex,  _ what time is it?”  _

“Your dad’s got cops all over the place looking for you.” Hercules explained. “He knows you’re not at Laf’s place. You need to get home as soon possible, before he has Alex arrested.” 

“What are you talking about? Why would he think John is at Laf’s place?” Alex whipped around to look at John. “John?” 

John didn’t answer him, just started yanking on his clothes. “I gotta get home. Oh god, my dad is gonna  _ kill  _ me.” 

The mood in Alex’s truck was grave as they went speeding off in the night. The silence was a living, breathing thing between them. Alex stared out into the dark roads as he gripped the wheel tightly while John leaned his head against the window with a mournful look on his face. He kept glancing at John out of the corner of his eye, trying to figure out what he was thinking. But all he could tell was that John was freaking out, internally. His face was so pale, and he kept biting at his nails. 

“It’ll be okay, John.” Alex tried to put up a confident front. “I’ll explain everything to your dad, and it’ll be fine. Don’t stress yourself out.” 

John didn’t respond, just kept biting at his nails. 

There was something still bothering Alex, something that nagged at him even though he knew he should just let it go for now. But he was never good at letting things go, and even worse at keeping his thoughts to himself. 

So he ended up blurting out, “Why did your dad think you were having dinner with Laf?”

John stopped biting his nails. It was dead silent for a moment, then John said, “Because that’s what I told Martha to tell him if he asked.” 

“But why didn’t you just tell you were with me?” At John’s silence, he kept on talking. “I don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell him that we were—” 

“Because I’m not supposed to be seeing you, okay?” John finally burst out. He knew they shouldn’t talk about this, he didn’t want to get into this, but he just wanted Alex to stop needling him. 

Alex’s stomach lurched. “What?” 

“Dad forbid me from seeing you, and—god, I’ve been  _ so  _ fucking careful, and it doesn’t matter.” It seemed like John was more talking to himself at this point. “One fuck up, and everything’s falling apart. He’s gonna rip me a new one.”

“When did this happen?” Alex said. Quietly. 

John closed his eyes. “After the luncheon.” 

After that luncheon, where John and Alex had had the hugest fight of their lives and John had stormed away from Alex, he was distraught. That was the first time he had to come to grips with the fact that maybe Alex didn’t love him as much as he loved Alex, and it was devastating. He saw a future with Alex, and everything in the way of that was just a minor obstacle. But if Alex didn’t feel the same way…those were the circles his mind was going in. 

In the midst of that turmoil, his father came up to him where he was laying back against the front door, trying to process everything. 

“Jack, there you are.” he said. “I wanted to talk to you.” 

“Can we do this later, Dad?” he said, not bothering to watch his tone. “I’m tired.”

There was a warning in Henry’s glare, but he simply said, “I’ll be brief. I don’t want you seeing that boy anymore.” 

The words were like a bucket of ice cold water thrown in his face. He whipped his head up so fast, it made him dizzy. “What? But—” 

“No buts.” Henry said firmly. “He’s not good company for you. And if I catch you with him, you’ll be in big trouble, you understand?” 

And John wanted to argue but…if Alex didn’t love him, not like John loved him, and he didn’t see a future for them past the summer, then maybe it was better this way. Maybe they should keep their distance now and let things fade before they really got hurt. 

So John said, “Yes, sir.” 

And for a week, John tried to keep his distance. He kept to himself and barely went into town, and when he did he kept a wide berth around all the areas he might run into Alex. Even when he heard that Alex was turning the town upside down looking for him, he didn’t budge. And it hurt so bad, every day without him felt so meaningless, but he kept telling himself it was better this way. Alex would forget about him soon enough, anyway.

But then Martha told him that Alex was waiting for him, at  _ their  _ spot, and John broke. Because Alex never lied, so if he said he was going to wait all night somewhere he’d be there all night, and John had to go to him. And lost in the euphoria of being with Alex again, falling in love all over again as he let Alex’s heartfelt declarations wash over him, he forgot all about what his father said to him. Almost. 

But Alex didn’t know all that. And even if John had explained to him right then, he wouldn’t have heard it. All he could think about was that if the luncheon was a test, he’d failed. He failed so badly, John had to hide it from him, even though Alex specifically asked him not to hide anything from him again. 

But they couldn’t focus on that right now. His grip on the wheel was so tight that his knuckles turned white and he calmly said, “It’ll be okay. I’ll take care of everything.”

John didn’t respond, and they didn’t speak again. 

When they pulled in front of the house, it was backlit with the reds and blues of the police sirens from the cop cars parked in front of the house. Martha came tearing out the door and down the porch, running straight to them. John bolted out of the car and caught her before she could go any further. 

“Have you lost your damn mind?” she shouted. Her face was just as pale as John’s. “Do you know what time it is? How could you be so stupid?” 

John stumbled all over himself trying to explain. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, we—I lost track of time and we just—we fell asleep and—”

“Daddy’s  _ furious,  _ Jack, absolutely livid. I don’t know what you’re gonna do, but—” 

“It’ll be fine.” Alex jumped in. “I’ll explain it all to your dad, you don’t have to worry about that.” 

Martha looked at him as if she just realized he was there. “You’re the last person he wants to see right now. I’m sorry, Alex, but I think you should just go home. Before things get worse.” 

“I’m not leaving John to face this by himself.” he said, resolute. “It’s my fault, I’m gonna make that clear.” 

Martha glanced over at John, waiting for him to say something, but John was lost in his own head. It felt as if they were all on a collision course to disaster, with no brakes in sight. All they could do was hang on for dear life. 

The three of them walked in together just as Henry was talking to the cops in the foyer. When he glanced over at them, his face contorted into several expressions from disbelief to fury to a blank, false appearance of calm. 

“Well, Danny, it looks like my son has found his way home just like you said.” Henry shook the cop’s hand. “Thanks for all your help.” 

The cop tipped his hat, and the moment he was out the door Henry advanced on them, white with anger. 

“You’ve got some nerve, Jack. Staying out all hours of the night like a hoodlum with no family waiting at home for you. Is that how I raised you? Without any sense?” 

Alex cut in before Jack could talk. “Mr. Laurens, I sincerely apologize. I ask John to help me out with a project I’m working on and we ended up falling asleep and losing—” 

“Excuse me,” The look of complete and utter disgust stopped Alex in his tracks. “I was talking to my son. As for you, I’d like you off my property as soon as possible. This is a family matter, and as far as I can tell you’re the furthest thing from.” 

Before Alex could figure out how to respond to that, John said, “I can’t believe you called the police.” 

Three faces snapped to him. “What was that?” Henry questioned. 

Something in John’s demeanor changed. Instead of the terror that was on his face the whole way over, there was an anger blazing in his eyes to match his father’s. “You knew exactly where I was. And you called the cops. Why? To embarrass me? To punish me by hurting Alex? You’re gonna tell me that’s out of love?” 

“Have you lost your mind?” Henry said, then shook his head decisively. “No, get in the study. It looks like you and me are going to need to have a good, long talk.”

Henry strode off in the direction of the study. Alex grabbed John’s hand before he could follow. 

“I’ll go in with you, I’ll—” 

The short, gentle headshake that John gave him made his stomach drop. “I’m the one he’s mad at, not you. Just wait here. I’ll come back for you, I promise.” 

John’s hand slipped from his, and he disappeared into the study. The moment he did, Alex slumped over as if the wind had been taken out of his sails. 

Martha put a hand on his shoulder. “Go home, Alex. I know you care about Jack, but Daddy’s right. This is a family matter.” 

The words were a slap in the face, but Martha didn’t notice. She continued, “Don’t worry. I’ll look out for him. Everything will be okay.” 

And then she disappeared into the study too, and the door shut behind her with a decisive click. Alex hadn’t realized until then that the whole time, he’d been on the outside looking in. There was a wall a mile high between him and John, a boundary that he couldn’t cross no matter how close they got. A thick door, that was all that separated him and John, and it felt insurmountable. There was no path for him to get into the room where things were clearly about to happen. 

He slumped onto a couch in the foyer, determined to wait as long as it took for John to come back out. It didn’t take long before conversation inside got heated, and for Alex to realize that the walls in the house were very, very thin.

“You think you can make a fool out of me?” Henry slammed his hand on the desk, making Martha jump and John stand up straighter. “Is that it?” 

John’s shoulders were stiff and his hands were clasped behind his back. “No sir.” 

“You’re too good to respect your father?” 

“No sir.” 

“I told you to stay away from that boy. I said, in no uncertain terms, that you would be in big trouble if I caught you with him.” Henry glared at him. “And somehow you turn up at my house in the dead of night, dragging him behind you. Explain it to me, John. Did I not make myself clear enough?”

“I need you to explain it to me, Dad.” John met his father’s glare head on. “Tell me what’s so wrong with him that I can’t see him. He supports me in everything I do, he helps me study, and it’s not like I’ve slacked off on  _ any  _ of my responsibilities because I’m with him. I haven’t dropped off on my studies, I haven’t stopped taking care of the kids, I show up wherever you tell me to go. So why can’t I see him? What’s so wrong with him that I can’t—” 

“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.” 

“I don’t know the answer!” John shouted. So tell me, Dad, explain it to me so I can—” 

“He’s trash!” Henry shouted back, so loud it bounced off the walls. “Trash. Through and through, lower than dirt. I’m not going to have my son associated with someone like that.” 

“Trash?” John repeated, incredulous. “How can you say that? You don’t even know him, you didn’t even try!”

“I know what I know.” Henry said. “And I’ll be damned before I let you ruin your whole future by hanging around the wrong people. Other kids can play in the mud, but not you. I have bigger plans for you than  _ this.”  _

“It’s just summer love, Daddy.” Martha burst in, trying to get between them before things went too far. “What’s the harm in it? We’re just having fun and then we’ll go home. It’s not worth all this drama, something that’s just for the summer.”

“It’s not just for the summer.” John said, under his breath, but Henry was already moving on. 

“No, Martha, enough.” Henry waved her off. “You’re not going to talk your brother out of this one. He’s decided to put summer fun over his responsibilities and his priorities, and I have had enough. There are consequences for your actions, John.” 

“You don’t know him at all,” John repeated louder. “Because if you did, you’d like him too. Alex is a hundred times smarter than any of the guys you think are ‘good for me’. He doesn’t just spit out what his daddy tells him like he’s been force fed, he has his own original thoughts!”

“Son—" 

“No, he’s not just smart either. He’s articulate and ambitious and  _ passionate  _ about everything that he does! He’s going to be someone someday, and I love him. Okay, Dad? I love him.”

John hadn’t meant to say that, but he was desperate. He needed his father to know that this wasn’t just about fun, he wasn’t playing games. This was real to him. John had never asked for much from his father, but all he wanted was Henry to listen to him and trust him. To try to understand him for once, instead of pushing him away. 

Henry’s eyes softened, just for a moment. He took a long pause, and then spoke carefully. “Maybe that’s true. Maybe you’re right, he might be big one day. Hell, he might do things that you or me never dreamed of. But even if he changed the world, it still wouldn’t change the fact that he isn’t meant for you.” 

Henry walked around the desk and came up close enough to John to put a strong hand on his shoulder. It was the closest they had come to an embrace since John was a child. 

“You’re meant for more, John. I’ve known that since the second you were born.” Henry continued. “And I haven’t broken my back trying to give you and brothers and sisters everything you could ever need to succeed in life to let you throw it all because whatever you’re feeling right now seems like love.” 

And hearing his words from the outside, loud and clear, something in Alex broke. Because he hated Henry Laurens, believed from the depths of his soul that he was the worst, but it wasn’t Henry Laurens talking. It was a father. A father who clearly loved his son, and wanted the best for him. And the best wasn’t Alex. 

Alex flew up out of his seat, and made his way to the door. 

John smacked his father’s hand away and stumbled backwards. “No, I’m done. I’m not gonna let you tell me who to love. I’m so sick and tired of letting you control every inch of my life. It’s  _ my  _ life, I’m the one living it! It doesn’t matter what you say, I love Alex—” 

John heard the sound of the front door slamming shut, and it ripped his attention away from everything happening in the room. His mind completely cleared out, except for one thing. 

“Alex?” he said, almost to himself. “Alex!” 

He turned to leave, only to be held back by his sister. “Jack, leave it alone!” 

“We’re not done here, where do you think you’re—” Henry started.

John ripped out of Martha’s grasp and ran out the door, shouting, “Alex! Alex!” 

Alex was already down the porch steps by the time John made it to the front door. He couldn’t even hear John calling him, the only words running through his head were  _ trash _ and  _ dirt _ and  _ he’s not meant for you  _ again and again and again. He couldn’t stop thinking that if he loved John and wanted what was best for him, and  _ he  _ wasn’t what was best, how could they stay together?

Alex couldn’t, wouldn’t drag John down. But that was what he’d be doing if he kept John with him. This wasn’t right anymore. He had…he had to let John go.

“Alex!” Finally, he clocked in John’s voice. Alex turned around right as John ran into his arms, hugging him fiercely. Even though he knew now what he had to do, he couldn’t push him away. It just wasn’t in Alex’s nature, not to hold his arms wide open for John to fall into. 

“I’m sorry,” John said, voice hushed. “I’m so sorry, baby. You heard it all, right? I’m so sorry, that was terrible. Dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he’s just mad and he’s not thinking straight. I’m so angry with him, he had no right to say all that bullshit.” 

“It’s okay.” Alex said weakly. 

“No, it’s not!” John pulled back and looked at him intently. “It was fucked up and you shouldn’t have had to hear that. Just—let’s get out of here. I need to not be here right now, I’m so mad.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” John didn’t notice, at this point, how off Alex sounded. 

“It’s fine, I can’t get into any more trouble tonight than I already have.” John reached down and intertwined their fingers together. “Let’s just drive somewhere, anywhere. We could go to the cliffs or—”

Alex pulled his hand away from John and backed up a couple of steps. “I don’t think we should. I think we should get some rest and take some space to…figure things out.”

John’s entire stomach bottomed out and his hand hung there, empty and useless in the absence of Alex’s warmth. “What? What do we need to ‘figure out’?” 

At Alex’s silence, John felt the panic in him rise even further. “Alex?” 

Alex closed his eyes and said, “You lied to me, John. I begged you not to, and you did it anyway.” 

John’s whole face wrinkled in confusion. “How did I lie?” 

“How? I asked you not to hide anything from me, yet this is the first I’m hearing that your dad’s banned you from seeing me—” 

“Because it wasn’t important!” John emphasized. “It was stupid, and I obviously wasn’t going to listen to him, so it didn’t matter.” 

“If it didn’t matter, you would’ve told me.” Alex glared at him with betrayal in his eyes. “You would’ve said ‘ha, can you believe what my dad said?’ and we could’ve joked about it. But you didn’t. This is the reason why you’ve been so strict on when you need to get home and about where we go, right?” 

John wouldn’t look at him. 

Alex scoffed. “Right. Did you even fight back? Or was it easier to lie to me than to stand up for us?” 

“Listen, I didn’t tell you because I really thought that it wasn’t a big deal.” John pleaded. “I just needed time to convince him that he was wrong. If I can get him to see you like I see you, none of this would matter.” 

“But what if he’s right?” Alex whispered. “Maybe we're not right for each other.”

John let out a breath as if Alex punched him in the gut. “What are you saying? Don’t—don’t say that, Alex, you know that’s not true.” 

“But what if it is?” Alex insisted, staring up at him. “John, you’re leaving. You’re going somewhere I can’t follow for years, at least four, and I’m stuck here—” 

“I’m coming back, I’ll be back,” John babbled, on the verge of tears. “And you’re not gonna be in Kip’s Bay forever—”

“I’ll be here for a while. Okay?” Alex’s voice took on a harsh tone. “I don’t know when things are gonna start for me. It could be a while. And during that time, I won’t be able to give you the nice things you’re used to. The life you have now, you won’t have that with me.” 

“I don’t need it, I don't need any of it.” John’s eyes started watering. “The only thing I need is you.” 

“You don’t know that—” 

“Yes, I do—” 

“No, John, you don’t!” Alex raised his voice. “You can’t know that for sure. You’ve never been without anything, so don’t say that.”

There was silence, save for John’s ragged breathing, and Alex said, “I think it’s better if we just take some space.” 

“What does that mean?” John clenched his fists, and spoke what they’d been talking circles around. “Are you—are you breaking up with me?” 

And Alex…couldn’t say it. The words turned to ash in his throat every time he tried, his mouth refused to move the way he wanted it to. 

All he could do was shrug lamely and say, “I’m saying we should sleep tonight off and figure things out later.”

John didn’t move, hardly looked like he was breathing. Alex knew it was time for him to go, so he reached over and squeezed John’s hand. “Get some rest, okay? I’ll see you later.” Alex turned around and walked away, each step heavier than the last. He was almost to his car when John spoke up again.

“You know, you lied too.” John called out. 

Alex froze, and when he turned back around he saw the tears streaming down John’s beautiful face. 

“You said that you’d always fight for me. For us.” John spat. “You said you had a plan. But now you’re running away, so I guess all that was bullshit. You’re a liar  _ and  _ a coward.” 

Alex bristled. “I’m just being real with you. I’m just trying to do what’s best for you, don’t you get that?” 

“What’s best for me?” John said in disbelief. “You’re not my father, Alex! And I don’t know why you or him think you’re such fucking experts on what I need. No, I know you don’t mean this. Everything you’ve been saying, you don’t—you don’t mean it, Alex.”

It would be so easy for Alex to take it all back, chalk it up to the stress of everything that happened tonight. He could wipe the tears away from John’s eyes and hold him in his arms again, and just the thought of that was nearly enough to get him to break. But Henry said  _ you’re meant for more, John,  _ and there was probably nothing else in this world that Henry Laurens and Alex agreed on, but they agreed on that.

So Alex bowed his head and said softly, “I don’t want you to regret anything. I’m sorry.” 

John let out a shocked, devastated breath, like he’d been struck. Then he nodded, wiped his face clean, and stood up to his full height. He looked straight at Alex, eyes blazing with sadness and fury and just pure  _ hurt.  _

“Well, then what are you waiting for?” His voice was on the razor’s edge of control. “I don’t need to sleep on it, I’m as wide awake as I’ll ever be! If you want to break up, let’s not wait till the end of the summer. Do it right now.”

Now it was Alex’s turn to let a breath like he’d been punched. “John—” 

John rushed up to him, got up in his face. “Do it. Be a man and break up with me right now. Come on, Alex. Do it! Break up with me!” 

They were so close that it looked like John was gonna kiss him or hit him, Alex wasn’t sure. All Alex knew was that he couldn’t take much more of this. It felt like his insides were being torn out, and to hear the rawness of John’s voice and know he was the one hurting him like this, he couldn’t do it. He felt like he was coming apart at the seams. 

“John, stop.” he begged. His throat was thick with emotion, tears starting to spill down his own face. "Please."

“You can’t do it, can you?” John went on. “Coward, through and through.” 

Alex flinched hard, because John didn’t realize how much he sounded like his father in that moment.  _ Trash, through and through. _

“Fine, if you won’t do it, I will.” John backed away from him as if he were a stranger. “It’s  _ over.  _ We’re done. Don’t chase me through the streets, don’t bother my family, just stay away from me. I never want to see you again. We’re through.” 

Each word packed more of a punch than the last one, just crushing blow after blow. It was all too real, hearing John say it, and Alex wanted to take it all back. He thought he could handle it, but this all hurt too much, it was too much. He thought he was about to break into pieces. 

Alex tried to rush over to John, reaching out to him, saying, “Wait, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

But John recoiled as if he had a virus and said, “Don’t  _ touch  _ me. Just go. Go home, Alex.” 

John turned his back on him. Alex stretched a hand out to him, but faltered. Because even though it hurt so much right, unbearably so, if John would be happier in the long run, it was worth it. Alex would do anything for him, even break his own damn heart. 

So even though it was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life, he gathered up all his willpower and walked away from John, the love of his life, without looking back. 

It wasn’t until Alex got in his car that John spun around in disbelief. He was so sure that Alex was going to embrace from behind, whisper that he didn’t mean it, that he would never leave him, that he  _ loved  _ him, and John would’ve grumbled a little but he would’ve taken him back, of course, and then they’d be okay. But instead John heard the car door slam shut, and it was all too real, too soon, like they were actually doing this. 

Before John knew it, his feet were moving and he was slamming a hand against the car window, saying, “Hey, we’re just fighting, right? This is just a fight. We said some things we didn’t mean, and tomorrow it’ll be like it didn’t happen.”

He kept beating against the window with weak fists, weeping, “It’s just a fight. Tell me that we’re just fighting. Please, Alex. Don’t do this.” 

The only response that he got was the sound of the car engine starting and Alex pulling away down the pathway. Without the car to lean on, John crumbled to the ground, and when it disappeared around the corner he broke down sobbing, just bawling his eyes out. He was crying so hard that he didn’t notice when Martha came down the steps. 

She wrapped her arms around him from behind and didn’t say a word, just held him. He was too weak to push her off or move at all, so he leaned back and let himself completely fall apart.

If he had been able to move, and ran out chasing Alex’s car, he would’ve seen that Alex hadn’t gotten very far. He drove a few feet down the road before he pulled over and hunched over the wheel, crying so hard he couldn’t see what was in front of him. He banged his hands against the wheel and just broke down, the same thought running circles through his head:  _ it’s over, it’s over, it’s over—  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got so out of hand lengthwise and plotwise oops


End file.
